Friday, May 15, 2009


my family. gawd. what can i say about this seemingly random sack of debauchery that i share a common link of DNA with? i most definitely have a hell of a love/hate relationship with the majority of them. it also depends on which side of the genetically linked familial bond with which you are referring. don't misconstrue what i am saying; both sides are a licentious maniacal batch o' individuals. and yes, one side is way WORSE than the other. one side is simply the epitome of lunacy at its finest, whilst the other is a deranged batch of mental hospital escapees that crawled out of the trashiest trailer park that SC has to offer.
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my maternal side could theoretically fit riiiiiiight in with LaVonda and Sissy up in Nolita's trailer park. as opposed to goat murderers we have a herd of leftover hippies from the free love era. then, there is our solidified proof of the darwin theory reversed. let's talk grandmas.
Grandma Pictures, Images and Photos
my good grandma slow danced with strom thurmond, the biggest hypocritical bigot known to man. she rode the train with ladybird johnson when she was a big political activist. she single handedly went to Texas to care for her cancer ridden best friend, for whom i'm partially named after. that same best friend was the one who told her once, on a trip to africa, to quit yelling at the cab driver. he could hear her fine, he just couldn't understand english. my grandma's maid once told her, "due' god, miss bettiejane, its a good things mister pete married you 'cus won't no other man have you!" she took me to my first reba concert in charlotte, nc. she was always the lady you sat behind in church because she was the really nice and funny one who's breath didn't reek of molded mothballs, but when it came time to sing the hymns, your ears bled in pain. she knows how to cuss in italian and greek. and when she had her kidney removed and was still super woozy, she told our church's BRAND NEW preacher (so new that she'd not had the chance to even meet yet) to get the HELL out of her hospital room. from this amazing specimen our family was born. its just a damn shame them bitches got warped comin out the birth canal.
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then there's the bad grandma. that woman, now she's evil. she laughs at the story where my sperm donor HUNG.HIS.SISTER.IN.THE.BARN. (the only reason my aunt survived was because my grandma found her and cut her down.) she attempted to serve divorce papers to my biological grandfather while he was ON TOUR during WWII. couldn't wait until he got home, no. and the reason? hold on to ya underwear, ladies and gents... because he got stationed in like china or somewhere, and she "just wasn't about to leave this state of SC for him." she "wasn't leaving SC for no man." not that he cheated on her, not that he hit her, not that she didn't love him anymore, no... and then the evil wench was able to get my step-grand daddy (although he's always treated me as his own) to marry her by having her brothers threaten him into marriage. yes. yes, don't you wish this was your grandma? her daughter, as a kid, once drew a picture of her sitting at a bar stool in a bar. what'd she do? not get mad, no. she was so proud of it, that she hung it on the fridge for all to see. she once took a cousin of mine and that cousin's grandma to a drive in movie show that was equivalent to soft core porn. i shit you not, yall. my cousin's grandmother made my grandma leave the movie once well,... people were gettin their groove on. she was able to produce a daughter that is her mini-me, a son who was was an abuser on ALL accounts (and that's putting it VERY nicely), a son who used drugs to the point of a drug induced mental illness, and another son who's an ex convict with a part of his hand sawed off in a power tool accident.
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