Monday, October 19, 2009

let the healing commence, already.

a flurry of emotions has given me virtual frostbite; i feel frozen and just damn numb. things will get better; they have to. my soul, body, heart and mind are jaded. when will the healing begin? i know my love is hurting too. we are both ready for the healing.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

finding forgiveness.

i am a girl with many flaws. my wife will surely agree. one of said flaws is my inability to let go of hurt. i hold onto it as if it were my life preserver in the midst of the Titanic catastrophe. you get to a point in adulthood to where relinquishing hurt is a necessity for survival. question is, what does one do when it is pivotal to do just that and you don't have the tools and mechanisms to do just that? i'm at that place and i don't know what in the hell to do. you'd get better results with al sharpton at an Aryan brotherhood beauty pageant.
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as a little girl, that hurt was the only thing i had to hold onto. it was the only thing i had to cherish to be able to connect with my monster, with my dad. he with held all normal fatherly emotion from me. he was never proud of me, he never doted on me, he never ever said the words every daughter needs to hear. that strips away the vital bonding material that glues every parent-child relationship. when there is no glue to hold that necessary relationship in place, unhealthy emotions take that place. every put down, every jab (towards me, my mom, or my mom's family) cemented the ill emotion of hurt. that fosters itself into an awkward and highly unhealthy relationship. the rippling affects of such an easily preventable tragedy touches every single aspect of that child's life and future. if i let go of the hurt, that was equivalent of letting go of my dad. what child wants to do that?
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the way he could play puppeteer and manipulate the strings to rain down the ultimate guilt trip for wanting to- or even thinking about- letting him go was nothing short of amazing. like the Vatican convincing the masses that contraceptives are the work of the devil. he learned from the master of manipulation how to make things work exactly the way he wanted. what he wanted was to be able to control me from across town without so much as having to make an appearance in my life. is it any wonder that i was perpetually stuck in a conundrum of purgatorial guilt? i learned to feed off of the hurt. its what sustained my relationship with him until he killed himself and his wife. i no longer wish to be crippled by this disadvantage. i wish to grow. how does one find forgiveness to grow? where does it come from within you? how do you grow forgiveness?
nun Pictures, Images and Photos Think for yourself Pictures, Images and Photos
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Monday, October 12, 2009

discontented me.

a shell of my former self;
that is what you see.
these empty smiles are a heavy load;
where is atlas, when need be.
my wet eyes betray me;
for their tears have sought the sea.
a perfectly displayed house of cards is your imagery;
the breath of air robbed from me,
toppled my guard all around me.
through the looking glass you stare;
so pardon me if i converse with the cheshire cat,
but me and alice don't compare.
thrice, i clicked my heels;
still before me are midgets in little green hats.
the margin between sanity and insanity;
chewed through by three blind mice.
back to the land of the living,
back to a reality of pain;
dare i confess,
fiction is best.
but as ol' bill once pondered;
"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon we will mend.
Else the Puck a liar call.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

happy birthday, baby!!

first and foremost: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY!! i love you so much!! things will get better, i promise.
heart in a jar icon Pictures, Images and Photos song Pictures, Images and Photos
apparently the saga of the refridgerator isn't over. just because we finally got the replacement fridge, that's the end of the tale, right? wrong. we got TWO.MORE.FRIKKIN.DOORS. seriously, yall. this brings the total of doors received up to 6. maybe obama needs to have a chat with sears. i mean, if they're wantin to waste money like that, atleast use it for good cause!!
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i finally listened to the wife and looked up the side effects of cymbalta. and o.m.f.g. the shit fits me. this damn medicine thats supposed to have been helping me has been hurting me!! sooo talking to the doc about that one. i mean i know that i already had the touch of the crazy, but with this medicine, i AM the crazy. its damn crippling and i detest it. enough already!!
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since honey ALREADY WENT TO EAT SUSHI WITHOUT ME today (and YES, honey, THAT is manipulation for a guilt trip...), i don't know what we'll do for sunday, her birthday. i know we've got to get up our halloween decorations though.
Heart Icon Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


back in highschool, our gym teacher would make us do laps around the track by the ballfield. i hated this. i loathed this. i abhorred this. i may have been a little, tiny, 98lb, size 0 young thing (*sigh*) but the fact was, was that i was out.of.shape. i was a true spawn of the 80's; i was a nintendo/super nintendo freak. my generation of gamers defined the worlds of today's world of warcraft freaks. they should pay homeage to us. (whilst it may be true they can kick my ass on their gaming system/PC, i still dare you to find a modern day tweener who's ass i can't stomp at SuperMario World, Super Mario 2 or 3. bring it.)

loser gym- hohuligan Pictures, Images and Photos mario Pictures, Images and Photos

point is, most of my youth and teen summers were spent rescuing princesses. i was not the athletic type. so as i ran those laps around that god-awful, sweat stenched mile of misery, it would kick my ass. i would get these pains in my chest. it'd hurt to breathe and my heart felt like it raced too damn fast for my own good. (any heart beat rate above the rate at which i beat a mario game was unacceptable.) and this was unnacceptable. it was crippling. my throat felt like it was tightening, my chest writhed in pain, my ears pulsated, i was light headed, and it felt like i was on one helluva tilta-whirl ride at the fair. often the dizzying rate of the outside world revolving around me would drop me to my knees.

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as an adult, still with a penchant for SNES, i find that in the real world there are princesses in need of rescuing and that life demands you to run laps around things. often times it can seem like you are playing ring around the rosie, not getting anywhere. i have run this track until i have unearthed the next layer of filament, until my feet have bled raw. my chest is tighter than its ever been, even when i had bronchitis. it hurts so bad that i am grasping for air, for that life nutrient. the poisons i let course through me have starved my soul to its present unrecognizable state. the caked-on dirt itches my thighs where i sit on the ground. the smell of the dew on the grass announces the dawn of a new day. its at last time to make a wish on the last star of night before i breathe in the healing rays of anew.
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Thursday, October 1, 2009


a few quick updates:

*when we initially bought appliances for the house, honey researched all of our options. we eventually settled for the stainless steel, double doored Kenmore. (by the way, who THE FUCK'S idea was it to make the doors of the stainless steels non-magnetic?! i mean, really.) we have the sears warranty on it, for preventitive measures. low and behold, honey discovered several minute acid etchings on the doors. that is not what we paid good money for. so she called sears and they said no problem. they mailed us two replacement doors. the technician would then come to install them. but no; it couldn't be that easy. the doors were banged up on the bottom, obvious from the in-transit journey. so we called them back; they sent a second pair. guess what? the same thing. so by now we have 4, count the, 1, 2, 3, 4, refridgerator doors that we cannot use. honey called them back and they scheduled an appointment for the technician to come. ("anytime between 8 a.m. and 5:30 p.m." don't you just love that shit?! i detest fucking corporations.) so anyways, the dude arrives and deems the doors, in fact, unusable. (gee. really? thanks, einstein.) he says the doors cost sears $400 a piece. that meant that we had $1600 worth of useless doors sitting in their boxes on our front porch. (thus making our house and yard look dangerously close to looking like trash.) dude said that we would get a new fridge. now, we are down to a brand spanking new fridge, with two perfect doors on it, and no doors on our front porch.

*i purchased an adorable little HP Mini with a 10.1 inch screen. its just my size. i got a good price for it, but i tell you. i'm frugle now. so when i had to shell out about $500, i got all flushed in the face. granted the computer wasn't $500, but it totaled about that price with some accessories i got with it. i got honey some CD that she wanted and i got my queen's CD, Keep On Loving You.

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*i have a slurry of birthdays in october; my honey, lizasaurus, ashes, mason, and billy. that is a lot of cards and gifts to buy!!