Wednesday, April 30, 2008


the results from my test were unnerving.
i mean, damn.
off goes the strattera, and soon the wellbutrin.
seems they hurt more than helped she says.
wrong will be righted in the morning, hopefully.

spending quality time with C is helping me keep my balance in all this.
solid ground to steady myself.
it appears as if maybe all of this is effecting me more than i thought,
or cared to admit.
i just didn't know HOW much.
ya know?

in life, the bastard never effected me like this.
it speaks volumes that his death has rattled me so.
i hate it.
i absolutely hate it.

i know i can't go back to the girl i was pre-December 25th.
time moves forward, never backwards.
i can only hope that time and a proper treatment can guide my way
so i can find that comfortable medium of being me.
i am anxiously eager to return to that state.

i wish i could just turn that part of me off,
so i don't feel the damage left in his wrath.
i would never wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.
nobody deserves that.

i'm still struggling with his fate;
i believe he got off easy.
the piece of shit never suffered.
the path his monstrocity created has more ruins than new orleans.
where the fuck is the justice in all of this?
does the monster win?

so it seems.

Monday, April 28, 2008


my birthday was good.
i got my hair did and have completely fallen in love with it.
honey had seperation anxiety as we were leaving,
as we'd left jack ass with my mama.
he absolutely loves it there.
we'll get him back eventually, lol.
harley is enjoying being the only dog.costas, liz, and aunt gaye and hannah came over for cake.
which, the twins hogged the fuck up.
aunt boo got us really good with her damn shock pen.
and the play was long...
though the cast (chiefly liz and costas, ofcourse) were flawless.
and, so it seems the straterra might actually have both good and annoying side effects after all.
here's some pics.

Friday, April 25, 2008


what is that i feel?

could it be?!


a bit of excitement is creeping through my body now.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Blanche: I'm from the South! Flirting is part of my heritage.

here i sit, alone at night...and the following lines creep in my head...
"aint no sunshine when she's gone, when she's gone away"
james taylor does a remarkable cover of it, too, by the way.

my therapist said it right when she said that my mood doesn't match a celebratory mood.
that's why i'm not into my birthday this year.
she also disagrees with my GP about my diagnosis.
she doesn't believe that its ADD,
but she didn't say specifically what she thought was happening with me.
she gave me some fill in the bubble test with 400 questions to take so she can make her diagnosis properly.
i'm not waiting an entire week until our next visit, like i usually do.
i'm going in on tuesday, as opposed to thursday.
and...she wants me to call her over the weekend to "check in with her."
i'm not understanding that, because i mean,
there are no suicidal or inflicting harm thoughts goin on.
gave me her cell and her house number.
she wants to get everything cleared up and worked on over the summer.
nothing too hard,
doing easy, simple, small things i enjoy.
and working on getting me back to (my) normal.
but then, ya know,...
time goes forward, and maybe i can't go back...
but i can grow.
i have to learn to be okay with the fact that i had him as my father
and that he is now 6 feet under, rotting away like the piece of shit he was.
i'm unsure if this is part of growing up.
but it kinda feels like it.
and i mean, i have faith in myself to know that i WILL come out of this situation stronger than i ever was.
it just seems like its so far away,...
a big bump in my path.

everything changes and nothing stays the same.

so this weekend, C and i are off to florence to see my family.
i do not want a birthday party, obviously.
so its just freeman's bakery birthday cake
and i am SO okay with that!!
i hope my appetite returns long enough for me to enjoy it.
in its current state,
its deficiency is unnerving.
NOTHING tastes decent.
not even my damn dr. pepper, and that's

after our arrival in florence, we will get all dolled up for a trip to the Florence Little Theatre to see liz and costas.
liz is playing a loud mouthed slut.
so basically, she's blanche.

Blanche: I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

Blanche: Well, I certainly didn't wait for my wedding night, honey. I couldn't - I had these urges. You know, in the South, we mature faster. I think it's the heat.
Dorothy: I think it's the gin.

Blanche: I am abhorred!
Sophia: We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said "abhorred".
Sophia: A whore, a slut, a tramp, it's all the same.

Blanche: I know but now there's more at stake, everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
Sophia: You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?
Blanche: Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
Sophia: I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip column.
Dorothy: Ma!
Blanche: I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were meant to be together.
Sophia: I wish I could say the same for your thighs. God, I'm hot tonight.
Blanche: I'm not gonna stand for this.
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy!
Dorothy: But I'll bet you'll lie down for it.
Sophia: Well that was just plain rude!
Blanche: Some people just don't know when to quit.


so it feels like i am slipping back into my depression.
and i loathe that.
this new medicine...
i dunno if i'm down with it.
it makes my eyes feel like they're floating,
although i don't get stoned off it.
i don't know if i just need to give it time to get into my system, or what.
i promised C that i would tell my therapist
how all of this bullshit is really affecting me.
truthfully, my loss of appetite scares me.
earlier, C was eating some meat and the smell repulsed me.
i'm just NOT hungry.
i'm not trying to not eat.
i'm trying DESPERATELY to not give up on my school.
but it is LITERALLY like my brain has
like, it is static.
to pay attention to C, she had to consciously KEEP me in the loop.
it'll do my heart good to go home to see my family for my birthday, with C.
i am still leery of a party,
but family, the wife, and Liz will do.
that always makes me feel better.
i feel like i am stuck in the damn mud.
not quick sand or anything,
but more like pluff mud.
i am stuck.
just frikkin stuck.
not going up or down,
although trying in vain to get back up,
but none the less, stuck.
hey atleast i didnt step into a pile of dog shit and have THAT stuck on me, eh?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


so how about my doctor wants me tested for ADD?
Honey got a major kick out of that,
as it has been me screaming at her that SHE has ADD.
straterra is what he put me on.
i took it today and feel weird.
but see, i don't know if i feel weird because of the allergy meds that i took yesterday, or what.
i dunno.

on my way to his office this morning,
i ran over a fully inflated red balloon.
i wonder what that means?
very odd.

i'm really struggling to make it through this semester, quite badly, might i add.
might get academic suspension for next semester.
he threw a monkey wrench in my direction.
he couldn't have waited until the summer?
because it wouldn't have been such a big inconvenience then.
yea i know,
that was pretty crass.
but if you knew him,
you'd appreciate that.

my flowers are doing quite superb,
i'll remind myself to take some pictures,
because they are indeed very beautiful.
yea i know, i'm such an ass
for bragging.

Friday, April 18, 2008


wow, i found out something;
i am NOT as adapted to this whole blogging ordeal as i thought.
i tried various blogging sites,
but only departed feeling very inept.
you either need a master's in computer technology or you be a youngin,
because only both of those groups can decipher that shit!

so here i am, sticking with good old blogger,
in all my internet blogging jargon ignorance.
but it is nice,
this blog, that is.

it is new,
as is spring.
so the coincidence is not lost.
the humming birds are flitting about
flying on the back of the wind,
bees are suckling the pollen
dancing on the wind's back,
and the flowers are kissing the sun,
swaying with mother nature's moods.

state of grace had begun using tink as its metaphor,
outting tink, it said, to be precise.
she wasn't well then,
damaged in every aspect-
wings, heart, soul, and all.
over time, those all healed.
currently only perfect through her trophy scars,
she learned a little grace.
she learned about growing up.
though no longer tink,
this girl is flying.
maybe not perfectly on course,
or hell,
maybe just two feet off the ground.
but damnit i am flying,
and to me,
that's what its all been for...
preparing me for this.

so here's to flying on grace.