Sunday, December 21, 2008

this and that.

okay, call me Mizziz Grinch. i am cranky and sick. (for the second Crimmus in a row, might i add.) my body has been infested by the alien force also known as snot. blechk.
SNOT Pictures, Images and Photos
i've been bitchy all week. *contain thy shock.* really unsure why. maybe its the cold. i don't know.
bitchy Pictures, Images and Photos
i am here looking at baby blog and jamming to my favorite queen of country and princess of pop. they soothe me. their music my soul's way to breathe deeply.
music addiction Pictures, Images and Photos
honey put our tree up this year. i bugged and bugged her about it, then she hauls the gear out of the shed, and guess what? i had a flair up of this politely superb sinus infection that's been crawling up mah bum. super fan-fucking-tastic. i told her because i did it all myself last year, that this was her turn. lol. but seriously, i feel pretty badly about not being able to help. i did, however, wrap all of our gifts. honey's mom, honey's dad, and my grandma excluded.

tonight i perused some lesbian baby blogs. there's this one couple who are three days overdue. i've been reading their blog ever since they artificially inseminated. so i've followed them throughout the course of their pregnancy. its like being a semi-stalker without breaking any laws. it can be addictive. i've been folowing this couple, and they have no clue. internet voyeurism rocks.
i've gotta quit with these baby blogs because it is so not helping to quiet that perpetual clock. i can see why it was Hook's Achilles heel. tick tick tick tick fucking tick tick.

our lil sophia is finding her niche wonderfully. she's my shadow, my own mommy's little princess. i bought her an absolutely delightful punk rock dress with a purple rhinestone collar to match. i do admit,... the orange mohawk is a bit out of place, but soon as i can find some purple or pink temporary hair junk, its on like donkey kong!!
I want a dog Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, December 18, 2008


its been quite a while since i've last blogged.
i'm sorry, my fellow bloggers and readers.
life, sometimes it happens, ya know?
where to begin...
well i'll just make this entry like a bulletin because there is so much to talk about.

*cheryl and i went through a really hard time. i finally stood up for what i felt needed to be defended. it was very hard to do. but i had stewed on the subject matter long enough, i'd taken into account all of the circumstances, and felt compelled to resolve the issue once and for all. the truth is, it hurt down to my core. my newfound sense of no fear supplied my courage to carry through. i don't know what will become of us. i relinquished control to the fates that be. not that i don't love her, because gosh almighty, i do. i just am tired of worrying. so to relieve that anxiety, i said "oh well. what will be, will be."

*i went to the crash site. this december 26th will be the one year anniversary. i rid my life of the parasites that are his family. (the one cousin excluded.) i am no longer hung up on what jack thinks of me. oh well with that situation, too. again, its not that i don't care, because i do. i'm just over the worrying aspect of it all. anyways. i finally conquered going to see it for myself. and wow. talk about an unnerving experience. i saw it. i felt it. i smelled it. i touched it. the plethora of emotions that ransacked my psyche were broad; relief, anger, sadness, etc. after damn near passing out, i left. i'm glad i conquered it. i needed to. i took a momento from the tree; some wood to keep it fresh for me. i never want to forget or forgive the pain he inflicted, and that will do just that for me.

*not too long ago, i wished for a turtle. ten miles later, there she was in the middle of the road like a present from above. i wished for a kitty kitty. not long after, a spade female who's great with dogs, asks to go out, and who isn't clingy, shows up one night at my back door. well. i wished for a teacup dog like radar, and like pnut. well. fate handed me a chorkie. all four and a half pounds. i got exactly what i asked for. she's perfect for me. hell, she IS me in a dog. i swear, yall. its kinda scary, actually. i named her sophia, as in sophia patrillo. i'd said when estelle getty died that my next dog would be named sophia in her honor. she kind of looks like sophia, the character, too. she has a small grayish head, she's old, can be cranky, cute as a bedbug, and funny. seriously!!

*my friends have been absolutely wonderful to me during this timultuous time here lately. huddle house visits and baby googling have eased my heartache. -side note... at the huddle house, i ran into my step-mother's father. it was very awkward because he still associates with my father's mother and i don't. kinda odd. yea. but he was as nice as he's ever been to me, though.-

*cheryl's car battery died on her way to work one night. then later that week, my tire went flat. and great stars!! what fuckery that was!! and NOW, the brakes on her car are messed up, so that goes into the shop in the morning. she drove my truck to work tonight. grrrr... i get a bit testy when my truck is not by my side.

*my anxiety has elevated to an uncomfortable point. i am unsure if it is due to the recent ongoings or the impending holidays or the anniversary. i may just bide my time and see if it subsides after the holidays have safely passed. if it doesn't then i will have to speak with my doctor about that.

*the house progress is SLOWLY coming along. cheryl's dad quoted about 5 to 6 weeks weeks until we move, but i just don't see that. i'm thinking feb. or march.

well dear ones, that's about it for me. i'll bid you ado, and say goodnight. peace out

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


changes. their uncomfortable. especially when you are raw emotionally. and right now, i am just that. never did i think that such seemingly stable things would be called into question. it hurts. quite badly, at that.
perhaps this is karma returning the favor of the pain which i have caused. i can only surmise that, because nothing else makes sense. what it feels like, is a slowly dripping bleeding cut. i see it in slow motion, but am powerless to stop it.
right now, it'd be so easy to believe in a god that may or may not exist. to blindly succumb to an almighty power to take over all of the responsibility. to pray would be so easy. but to whom? perhaps i'll sit outside tonight and wish on all of the stars until i run out or fall asleep.
i am not shutting down. but i am tired. not of us. just in general...tired. this year has almost been too much. too much has been stirred up and unsettled. ghosts of christmas past (VERY appropriate) have haunted me long enough. i just need to heal. that's all. i need time, without ANYTHING else becoming unsettled, to heal. to recharge my battery.
as hurt as i am and as tired as i am, my tenacity has yet to waiver, when it comes to straightening the destruction of 2008. many many many wonderful things have come my way, for which i am unboundingly grateful for...but the emotional hardships have taken its toll.
learning to live freely and not in fear has been challenging enough, knowing i can turn my lamp off at night is still unnerving, and not shitting a gold brick at every fancy vehicle that passes me in Florence is still HARD. knowing that i am hurting hurts her, hurts me even more. (if that makes sense.) there is a middle way, as the buddhist say. it is now what i seek. a path to enlightenment,....because i damn sure need it.