Wednesday, October 29, 2008

early morning ramblings.

raw emotions cause waves in the water. with every splash against the raw walls yin yang Pictures, Images and Photos within me, it stings like salty water to a gaping wound. somewhere in the midst of it all, i am all too aware that though the salt water stings and burns beyond comprehension, it is healing. there goes that duality thing, again; that which causes pain, heals us within.
hope icon Pictures, Images and Photos a firm no now downgraded to a reconsideration. the walls must be bulldozed. a work in progress; life on semi-probation. limbo. resentment now morphed into hope. hope of what may come. hope was the only thing remaining inside pandora's box.
Fear me Pictures, Images and Photos she said that she was unaware how paralyzed he made me. seems to me an obvious impairment, but to her...not so much. "what you fear is what you become," states the adage. i vehemently disagree. i do believe, however, that fear has the insurmountable strength to paralyze one's self. when that occurs, we become exquisite masons by building impenetrable walls around ourselves. self preservation. to some extent, it is necessary for survival. for example, when one is the victim of abuse. but when we construct these barricades of protection, we often block out what is needed to live.
living on the edge Pictures, Images and Photos living life is not being alive. the act of merely being alive is existing. and that is no life is live. the thing i have come to ascertain is, when living life we come to see that dreams that we reach for aren't exactly what life has planned for you. sometimes wishing or dreaming for something is just the tip of the ice burg. we wind up getting more than we wished for, then we see that it makes us happier than we ever thought possible. a perfect example, my meeting Reba twice. and not only meeting her the second time, but also meeting kelly clarkson.
Math Is Hard Pictures, Images and Photos life is scary. hard. up. down. steady. unstable. backwards. agonizing pain. blissful delight. but it is life. and living life is worth every second of every possible emotion. robotically passing through this world with walls built so high around you, to where you cannot see whats around you is only cheating your own self.

Stars Pictures, Images and Photos on a different subject, tonight we had dinner for the family of the man who passed away, that C knows. the daughter and son of the man was here tonight. they sat around talking of lawyers, wills, headstones, and what a great man their daddy was. where my heart ached for their loss, it stung me as well. thats what good daddies are supposed to do; care for their offspring. i stayed subdued and quiet throughout the evening, as i really didn't know any of these folks. i just played the role of the wife, who smiled, and kept a watchful eye out for the doggies. aye. our doggies are the bestest ever. (of course i'm a teeny tiny bit biased on that judgement.)
duskwillow-halloween-bella-ej.png Pictures, Images and Photos i'm off to home for the holiday. my old buddies will keep me occupied. maybe we'll head out to the HRS haunted house. plenty of old friends and memories there!! i hope that any readers who actually read this thing take extra precaution on the roads, starting with being SOBER when driving. anyways, i'm out like clay gayken.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Pre-Halloween Weekend.

here lately i cannot seem to get enough sleep. my therapist says that a temporary side effect of paxil is sleepiness. i could use that excuse, but truth is, i'm a sleep slut. if i could sleep 21 hours out of everyday and still function in society, i so totally would. i honestly haven't a clue why i am like that. oh well. i'll just continue to reign in the supremecy of my title of the official jamison sleep whore.

C's longtime family friend didn't survive being taken off of life support. its always a sad thing to lose someone so unexpectedly. hell. for that matter, its (usually) always sad to lose someone you care for. on the upside in this unfortunate situation, C has reconnected with a childhood friend, with whom she has more in common than just cherished memories, than she originally thought. i think its fantastic. reconnecting is great when it warms your soul.

i finally uploaded a butt load of pictures off of my cell, including a picture of my most recently completed painting. this weekend we continued to torture jackson with the newly coveted red laser light. (when he turns out to have a wally eye, and a beer short of a case, we'll know what to blame.) and just for the record,... a dachshund's farts can seriously be lethal. great stars!!

liz, and cheryl did most of the carving on our pumpkins. i did my best to do as much as i could, but my hands just couldn't keep up with my ambition. i loathe that. then, the three of us had a trip up to Cola to my favorite bookstore, where the side effects of my favorite frozen concoction gave me brainfreeze and made me way too hyper way too quick. i got a new journal, as my tinkerbell one is finally full. i also attained a book entitled, made in the usa. it was absolutely fantastic! C got the first book of the twighlight series. i'll jump on that book too.

when we returned home after our Cola mini-adventure, we watched the movie Liz picked out, August Rush. and, OH. MY. STARS. that movie was absolutely A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! the Peter Pan undertones totally sold me. (yea, yea, we all know i'm a complete sucker for anything peter pan related.) robin williams (who played Peter Pan in HOOK) was the leader of 'the lost children' and the little boy from FINDING NEVERLAND played August Rush. but seriously, that movie was...just... wow. go get it. it is now on my list of all time favorite movies. it was a movie that set my soul aglow, it made me feel alive, like that there truly ARE amazing things in this world. it had another undertone that they played to perfection; fairytales. nothing overly romantic, nothing that couldn't happen in reality, nothing walt disney couldn't do. it wasn't your typical, run of the mill, ride off into the sunset happily ever after, either. this movie, is just... perfection at its finest.

below are the pictures i finally posted, with descriptions. peace out.

kitty kitty okay, i know its small. sorry about that. i was tinkering with the sizing of these damn pictures. but anyways, can you find kitty-kitty? (i had to alter the coloring to enable your "where's kitty-kitty" game.

Halloween Pumpkins '08 these are our pumkins. purty, purty. wish i had gone with my original idea to have three pumkins having a different word on each one. i'd thought to do, "wish." "hope." and, "love."

Princess Tiger Lilly here is my completed painting entitled, "Tiger Lilly." i got the idea from the spider lilly flower that bloomed in our field. Princess Tiger Lilly was also a character from Peter Pan. i couldn't get the color to show true in the picture, so i don't know whats up with that.

SMS here's me waiting in the carpool line at Sneed Middle School. those trees were juveniles when i attended that school, the first year it opened. i'm old. seriously. i was in 8th grade at that very school when Ellis and Alex were born, yet here I was, picking up Ellis from that very school. /sigh.

blurry but nice these two road pictures i took on my way back to orangeburg. i know they're blurry, but i thought they were kinda beautifully funky. blurry but nice

Better again, i couldn't get the color to remain true, but this gives you an idea of the color scheme to the outside of our house. pretty frikkin sweet, if you ask me. we've gotten LOADS of compliments. (even from the folks who installed the vinyl.... yea, that rocks!!) kinda hard to see...

Friday, October 24, 2008


Cute House (: Pictures, Images and Photos with varying certainty, Liz usually arrives for a visit sometime around halloween, as she has now. tomorrow we will go and buy pumpkins to carve pointless characatures in the pumpkins' skin, to proudly adorn our front porch, until post halloween, when they are tossed aside and forgotten. much welcomed cold rain was rolled in by autumn's tide, as eager goodbyes waved au revoir to the summer's humid heat. this halloween will mark three years to the day of our sudden arrival to our current house in orangeburg.
just live. Pictures, Images and Photos with the tragic passing of a dear family friend of C's, i am reminded to be all too cautious in this fragile life we're living. things transpire in seconds; lives forever changed. never, and i mean, never take anything for granted. the moment you forget just exactly what you have, is the moment life will teach you its harsh lesson. always be grateful; be kind; be loving...just, be.
Ghandi change quote Pictures, Images and Photos change is scary, because we want to hold onto what we have come to know and love; the familiar. but it is when the familiar becomes bonding that change is a necessity. and in that change, we grow. forgiveness then cultivates in an atmosphere of peace, where happiness can grow in abundance. for you see, even the seasons change, though year by year they make their temporary return. love it while its here, miss it when it leaves, then cherish what has become... thats what the secret of the seasons tell me. so i'll not be scared of change, even if its from within. alas, you see, that is where it all begins.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


holy be-jesus! attack of the psycho aunt, seriously, yall. so the story i have is un-effing-believable. i go home, to find that the aunt and grandmother have obtained a new/used vehicle that is nice. a sleek saturn van with all the bells and whistles. but, i digress. i take twin A to accompany me to the gathering place Saturday night. while in the company of the other aunt, the uncle, the cousin, and the rest of the hippie crowd, a good time ensued,...or so i mistakenly thought.
Sunday morning rolls around, and i am rudely bombarded by a crazy tirade. the aunt in question bombarded my Mama's house, knowing it was only myself and the twins who were present and accounted for in the house. she unloaded on me with both barrels, accusing me with such preposterous lies that stung my heart like salt covered nails in a gaping flesh wound behind the knee. her delusions were as grandiose and real as all of walt disney's fables. she knew which buttons to mash, knowing what damages it would inflict upon me. the despicable lies rolled off her tongue as easily as water off of a duck's back. it was scary. to know that somebody whom you love can willfully strike such pain down upon you is scary as it gets.
i'm unsure what event transpired, or if any, but come Tuesday, my phone rang alive with an apology. albeit at first the wrong apology, the correct one found its way to my ears. i'd like to believe it was inspired by a word of prayer from my own female co-creator. either way, an apology was given. miscommunications were corrected, but forgiveness not given. the barbs of pain damaged my heart too much to be easily erased by a mere apology. only time can fade that into a soon forgotten scar that will be blended in amongst the rest.
i am unsure as to what the purpose of all of this drama was. what was my lesson to be learned? as it wasn't i who begun any of this, so i am unsure what to think. perhaps it serves as a reminder of what i could be, if i let loose my own anger. and buddha knows, that just isn't happenin'. what i do know is that the tide still turns.
thursday, C will be in charleston visiting a loved one on life support. she's hoping for the best, but bracing for the worst. its a tragedy all around. pain bounces around like children on a trampoline; wild, uncaring, free, careless, and wreckless. my heart goes out to her, and the family this tragedy was cast upon.

The ranks of the stars move in progression, the sun and the moon shine in turn, the four seasons succeed each other in good order, the yin and yang go through their great transformations, and the wind and the rain pass over the whole land... -Xunzi

Friday, October 17, 2008

looking for the beauty.

they say that i am a drama queen. okay, i admit it, i can be. so check this out: like a year or so ago, i gather this "packet" up for my Mama because i told her that there was something wrong with Grandma. but no, Sarah's just bein paranoid, just being a drama queen. well,...guess. the. hell. what.
Drama Queen Pictures, Images and Photos the drama queen was right. see. i gotta say it... I TOLD YALL SO. we don't have a diagnosis, because Grandma's appointment is on Monday morning. we will see what the doctor says. i KNOW that it will be SOMETHING. my intuition says so.
too much is piling up. and actually none of it even really pertains directly to me, per say. its all circled around Grandma. i believe that sometime we are connected to certain individuals on this earth because of a rare, deep, solidified connection that two people share. not necessarily soul mates, merely soul connections. like for example, you know when somethinng is wrong with the other person when you're no where near them and you've not spoken to them. its not seeing somebody, not being in somebody's life for a while, and the next time you see them, its as if no time has passed. its as if when you wrap your arms around them for a hug, your soul takes a breath of air that its been gasping for.
Beauty Pictures, Images and Photos

i've not encountered very many people with whom i've had that connection. but i can say that my grandma is one of them. and i feel her stress, and mainly her anxiety. i'm kind of panicky. so many changes.
too many changes. its too fast. us taureans don't do well with change. its as if the world is whizzing by me like the wind races by your fingers out the window of a car doing 80mph on the interstate.
postsecret or post secret Pictures, Images and Photos i'm trying to calm down, to not get bogged down, not shut down. i am desperately trying. i wish my new meds would kick in already.
in the famous, loving words of my grandma, per her late sister, "if you can still bitch about it, everything's okay." lol. that's my grandma.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

reverberating anxiety.

tonight C and i watched the latest episode of house off of our DVR. house's dad died; cuddy drugs him; wilson kidnaps him per his mother's request for house to give his dad's eulogy at the funeral. house's antics make no attempts whatever to hide his disdain towards his dad. he goes on to say that perhaps if his dad had been a better man, that he, himself, would be a better man as well. he then proceeds to steal dna off his dad in the casket to prove to wilson that this man is not his biological father. upon the dna results (which were miraculously speedy), he tells wilson the news; that this man isn't his biological father, that he'd been correct at figuring out, at twelve years old. the short of the long is, house turns out to be upset that even after his dna discovery, that his feelings for this man still haven't changed. he then looks at wilson and says, "my dad is dead."
i recognized that sentence. i empathized with the emotions, even though i am well aware that it is merely an actor portraying a role in a tv series. but damn, that still struck a chord within me. if you'd told me this time last year that these peoples' deaths would have effected me to this point, i'd have asked what you were smoking. i never ever thought that any feelings i had towards this man, would be half as deep as they ran.
i know others who suffered WAY worse abuse at the hands of their fathers. in comparison... you just can't compare the damages sustained to me versus the damages sustained to them. others can still feel the sting of a slap or hit, some can hear the footsteps at night,...i can still feel that anxiety of wondering if my heart could handle the sheer amount of fear itself, coursing through my veins like poison. the screams still make me flinch. he was my monster in the dark. he was literally a son of a bitch. to the letter. he may have provided for most of his children, but facts are, that he was NOT a good man. and damn sure NOT a good father to me. i am unsure if i can ever be fully healed from the scars he bequeathed to me... as i never was without any scars, so what would i know of healing? all i can do, i think, is go on. talk about the pain, write my crappy little poems, and my shotty art,...just to get it out. and buddha help me, if i am fortunate enough to have a legacy, it is my duty as a human being, as a living, breathing, loving soul... to break that cycle of abuse, no matter how big or small.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

it must be a southern thing...

i am procrastinating bigtime tonight. i should be studying for my math test that my defunct teacher hasn't fully prepared us for. the joys of first time teachers. *yay*
this teacher is a bit obnoxious, with shooting daggers of sarcasm on the side. her aim is pinpointed too. aye. and her teaching methods are enough to drive, i think, anyone a little crazy. but the thing is, is that when i am not in class i get all riled up about her teaching abilities, or lack thereof. but when it comes to me actually being IN class,...i turn to marble.
i am mesmerized by this lady's teeth. seriously. they're perfect. they're real, not veneers. she just had a really good orthodontist. i zone out, just gazing at them. i am FAR from being semi-attracted to her for numerous reasons, so it is not that. but my stars, her teeth are the most beautiful teeth i've ever seen in person.
i am so jealous. how sad is that? i am jealous over a virginal math teacher who can't teach. sad, sad, sad.

in other news, evidently my aunt and my grandma are having insurance difficulties stemming from my aunt's hit and run that occurred on friday night. (she was the victim.) i could hear the stress and worry in my grandma's voice tonight on the phone. something i've not heard in her voice in years. i worry for her. for her situation. they are good together; they both drive each other bonkers, but are there for each other reguardless. and that is somewhat comforting. even though the sheer amount of bat-shit-crazy when you combine them both, is way high off the charts.
crazy Pictures, Images and Photos we bought a new betta and two snails. we've minimized to a 1 liter tank with an air pump thingy-magiggy in it. the betta is kinda pinkish, white-ish, yellowish, with hints of blue and purple. i named him pussy. i don't know why. but that's his name. the snails are still yet to be named. a gross, yet intriguing fact: the 3 goldfish wrapped in aluminum foil are still in the freezer. kind of bizarre, if you ask me. i suggested feeding them to kitty-kitty, and the wife looked like she was going to have a coronary. so that nixed that idea. but hey, whatever. we have a dog with napoleon syndrome, a dog who eats furniture stuffings, a kitty named kitty-kitty, 3 dead goldfish in our freezer that i can't feed to our kitty, and now a male betta named pussy. all that is missing is the three legged, one eyed basset hound named frank-n-farter or something of that nature.

i'm inclined to believe that we're no longer white trash since we've removed the jacuzzi whirl pool tub thingy off of our current front porch. but, we do not have the required vehicle up on blocks. we do, however, have random toilets throughout the family land. yes, toilets. we're classy like that. who needs squatters? just grab ya a magnolia leaf, prop ya rifle, check for spiders, drop 'em, and enjoy the natural outdoors.
weird turd Pictures, Images and Photos

my withdrawal from a class today initially brought relief; now, anxiety is rolling in like clouds before a storm. i'm hoping between the therapy, my support system, and my new meds, that i can keep my head above water just fine. but then again, everything always works out the way it was meant to eventually, right?
it is when my anxiety is on the rise that i can fully appreciate my friends and loved ones; they are a phenominal support system. a friend of mine stated that when everything happened at christmas, i was able to make it through because i had been healing myself prior to the accident; like i had been recharging my internal battery. i agree with that. now, i just need to figure out why the electrical outlet isn't working to transport the necessary charge to re-up. i'll get there eventually. with friends and loved ones like mine, i know i'll be okay. i (usually) always am.

Monday, October 13, 2008


Photobucket so this has been a pretty eventful week. but i must discuss what struck me odd the most. saturday was C's birthday, so i treated her to an hour's massage in columbia. in route to the business establishment, we encountered a younggirl at a traffic light, bearing a sign that said she was homeless. i imagine she was begging; occam's razor.
what struck me was how young this girl was. she looked not a day over 17, at the most. destitute and drained is what exuded from her, but the thing that struck a chord in my heart like a pick to a guitar chord, was that her aura was that of emptiness; nothingness. didn't she have a family? or atleast loved ones? C said maybe it was her choice to be there, because if she was a runaway, the police would have already seized her.
my mind raced even more; what was she running from? abuse? drugs? parents? or could she have been like that man in the bio-pic, Into the Wild? was she a user? or a survivor merely surviving a harsh hand dealt by life? where has she traveled? has she made it far enough away from what she's running from? where is she going? why there?
she looked like a funky neo-hippie with an epic to divuldge. i wanted to unravel the wrinkles upon her face and disect every line, knowing what worry, what pain put it there.

a few blocks down the road were a group of fellow beggars. some old, some young. it struck a chord within me, though not nerely as possible as the first girl. i thought, 'is this a cult?' how judgemental of me. i do not know these individuals. i do not know their stories. and any fool fool knows that one must look past the cover to see what secrets a book beholds.

pure wonderment and fascination.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

house update.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

τρία κοσμούν.

Aglaea, Euphrosyne and Thalia have granted me mercy by showering my sandry dry soul with monsoons on inspiration.

Thank heavens!!

Friday, October 3, 2008

fall unto me.

No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnal face.
~John Donne

the most horrid, foul, stinkiest, smelly smell of all smells was unleashed onto our back porch. and. it. won't. go. away. seriously, its putrid. i imagine its worse than sticking your head up an elephant's ass, or my Mama's dear gut farts. holy hell, this shit STINKS. everytime i get a whiff, i puke a little in my smeels like a walking, talking puss pore vomited everywhere.

honey and i have been hit hard with some sort of nasty sickness crud. great buddha, it was MISERABLE at its finest. intermitten fever, glorious pressure in the head, sore throats, coughing, and just general aching all over. cramming vick's vapor rub up your nostrils, while sucking the mucus to the back of your throat, and trying to find a suitable position so that your head is semi-up and semi-down so you can breathe, all the while trying to loosen and relax your mind and body enough to get some sleep. yea. fat chance in hell. a hell that is you sitting on the shitter, knees drawn up with your feet off the floor, hands gripping the sides of the lid for dear life, beads of sweat falling into your eyes, while simultaneously holding back a sneeze so everything that you're...expelling...doesn't clog up the damn toilet or make it explode on your ass, literally.

i am loving this cooler weather. thank buddha its here, because we needed the relief from the heat. the house is coming along. most of the siding is completed. i think the majority of the plumbing and electrical is mostly completed, as well. yay!!

i've been having odd dreams as of late. some serious heavy symbolism goin on. and i haven't the foggiest on what they mean either. i can see where some say that your dreams are your subconscious' voice. but what i want to know is, how does your subconscious know what symbols mean what? for example, let's say, you dreamt that you placed a stinkbomb somewhere in public, just to see peoples' reactions. what does that mean? what if all it was, was that you farted in your sleep and it really stunk? i mean, ya know?

my honey's birthday will soon arrive, so i am pondering that. she will say, don't worry about it, or something to that effect. shit on that. in my family, birthdays were a big deal. it was YOUR day. you get one whole day out of the year just for you. your celebration. but my honey's family works differently than mine, as do all families differ from one to the next. but that's okay. we will make our own traditions.

today i saw this odd looking flower that i've never seen before in my entire existence. after a bit of googling, i discovered my honey was right; it is indeed a spider lilly. it is strangely beautiful, standing alone in a field. a strange beauty all alone. maybe its because i'm sick at the moment, but that touches me deep in my soul. strange.
i just looked it up again, and as it turns out, the spider lilly contains galanthamine, which is a natural herb to induce more vivid, intense dreams. fucking freaky as shit, man. so like, this flower pops up, unbeknownst to me, we get sick, and i have reallllllllly vivid dreams. freaky, man. freaky.

anyways,... i'm out like clay gayken. peace out, bitches.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

wake the fuck up.

bush's approval rating is at an all time low. his personal best, as it stands currently, is at a whopping 27%. yes, 27%. how will the white house spin this? 73% of americans are dissatisfied with his performance. 73%. is that not a problem?!
if we elect mccain/palin, it will only get WORSE.