Tuesday, September 30, 2008


being sick sucks.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Persephone is beginning her journey to see Hades.

sometimes, i think, the only way to move forward is to forgive. something inside my heart is in mid-change. i think i am beginning to forgive my dad. i will never understand, nor forget the lessons learned, but i think i can forgive him. the only way to stop the cycle is to let it go. the buck stops here.

well, they started installing the vinyl siding. i think the colors we chose will all pull together very nicely. she didn't like the gray, i didn't like the green. so, we compromised. when they finish installing it, i'll post pictures. :)

oh, it turned out that my mom sprained her ankle and her wrist. she is okay now though. thank buddha!! i have a few birthdays of certain people i hold dear coming upon us. time to send out bday cards. that just means halloween is just around the bend. i *triple* love carving pumpkins. fall is beginning to slowly creep up, and i'm ecstatic about that. i love the fall. the smell of the air, the colors of the trees...

Saturday, September 27, 2008

fabrication des dédommagements.

"As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness." -Dalai Lama

"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past, and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions." -Gerald Jampolsky

Friday, September 26, 2008


i hate that i still wonder about you.
i hate that i worry about you.
i hate that you're hurting.
i hate that you don't know the real me.
i hate the lies they fed you.
i hate that we were never allowed to be family.

but most of all, i hate the broken fairytale bequeathed to us three.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

'travel down the road and back again..."

when i was a little girl, blissfully ignorant to the evil in this forsaken world, there was never a shadow of a doubt that i could seek comfort from my Nana. even when she was sick, even when she was dying.
i thank my stars in the heavens above that i had this shelter of true love and compassion. i do not truly believe that i'd be alive today if it wasn't for the love, protection, and sheer compassion that this lady bestowed upon me and my mother.
i recall warm, yellow summer days and evenings with my Nana. i'd be curled up on her loveseat couch with my blankie, a cup of coco mix, a special spoon that was all mine and nobody else's, and a glass bottled coke. i'd be watching the brady bunch, green acres, the cosbys, or that old show i think it was called the crazyhorse saloon, where it had these horribly dressed couples line dancing to atrocious songs like achy breaky heart. but Nana liked it, because it "was good clean fun and the music was good,...not to mention, the dancing was fun to watch too." sooner or later, she'd fall asleep, and i'd turn down the volume and change it to "you can't do that on television." (i wasn't supposed to watch that. see; i was rebellious even then.)
my point is, she always napped on her pillow. it was rectangular, light green, and cross stitched on the front.
for years following her death, i couldn't recall what it said. i'm so glad i eventually recalled what it said:
"friendship is the key to happiness"
and i think that, that couldn't be more true.
i am finding that more than ever, i am realizing the heavy gravity that is the weight and importance of friendships in our lives.
life is fragile. it can be taken in the blink of an eye; just ask dear old pops. my friends are the best. if anything happened to any of them, i would be broken hearted. i would be different, i wouldn't be me.
for every friend i have, they help complete me. one for every color, they each have their place. if i lost one, my kalidescope would be broken. some shine brighter than others, some i do hold more dear. my real friends... i cannot do without.
what i need to thrive are: my grandma, C, the rest of the crazy bunch in my (real) family, and those wonderful idiots i have come to call my BFFs. oh, wait- and OUR doglets. (i am a horrible doggy mommy because i do have a favorite between our two doggies. take a WILD guess which one is my favorite.)

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives." ~Euripides, Greek playwrite

"Love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant." ~Unknown

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." ~Winnie the Pooh

"When twilight drops her curtain down and pins it with a star, remember that you have a friend though she may wander far."

Friday, September 19, 2008

paradoxes abound.

to put it quite simply- i have the bestest, most amazing wife in the world!

she lets me sit there, like a blubbering idiot, because she knows that sometimes i just have no words. sometimes the pain and the hurt can only escape through tears.

her hand on my thigh is plenty said. not a sound being said, but everything understood. sometimes, silence truly can just say it all. (and it not necessarily be a bad thing.)

eleven years passed, on yesterday. the void is still as big as it was on 9-18-97. some things never change. yet nothing stays the same.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

letting go.

with each sunset, the day retires for the night. the tide comes in to wash away the shore laden with sandcastles from the day before. already forgotten, but made with a superior innocence, love, and laughter.

"...each new season brings a change, and absense makes the heart grow strange, the windfall, the stars and rain collide, prince of tides...i wish you hope, i wish you well, within the chambers of your shell, i never wanted to choose sides, but its your fault and its your right, prince of tides..."

Monday, September 15, 2008

BnB, she says.

this past week has been an unusually rough one. call it an earthquake week, if you will. a big ol' nasty rumble came from underneath, causing me to lose my balance. it felt as if the floor was caving in right out from under my feetsies. with an unexpected aftershock, the reconstruction and healing begin again.
i have found that when your faith is tested, its too unstable for me to adequately function. i have had too much of that unstableness in my past, and i damn sure do not want to relive that horrid feeling.

faith can be your savior, it truly can be. no, i'm not going all holy roller. faith can be in anything; from a Goddess, to Buddha, to God, the devil, in yourself, or, my own faith- love in what i know to be true. there are people out there who thrive on trying their mightiest to shake your faith, there are those who are so self centered that they don't realize they're shaking your faith, and then there is your own damn self who can shake your faith by self destruction. i have encountered all three. none of which, are nice.

i'll not repeat a major past mistake of mine, by focusing on the past and getting stuck in the perverbial quicksand of shit. no. not again. adults don't do that. (and by the way, when the FUCK did i turn 26?! and even moreso, how the FUCK can i undo that and return to, like, 5?)

shake it off. accept it. store the newly learned knowledge away. breathe deep. and move on.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

insights into the miasmatic chaos that is me.

Synergy (from the Greek syn-ergo, συνεργός meaning working together) is the term used to describe a situation where the final outcome of a system is greater than the sum of its parts.

as a taurus, i am a bit complicated. kelly clarkson sings, "I'm strong
But I break, I'm stubborn, And I make plenty of mistakes, Yeah I'm hard, And life with me is never easy, To figure out, to love, I'm jaded but oh so lovely, All you have to do is hold me,...I'm confusing as hell, I'm north and south, And I'll probably never have it all figured out...I don't want to be tough, And I don't want to be proud, I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found, I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved, I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe..."
that's so me, right there. i mean, it REALLY is.

i can sit for hours and write beautiful stories of love, loss, heart break, lust, anger, sadness, forgiveness, redemption, holding grudges, and everything in between. i can write words that flow as easy as water, that are more crystal clear than the best diamonds in the world, and poetry that even hemmingway would be at a loss of words for. i can do all that. i can make you into the most beautiful angel that has ever graced this earth, more powerful, accomplished, and wealthy than all the royalty in this world. or i can make you feel like an ameba, like you are so down and below this world that not even the devil would take you into his kingdom. he would spat you out as if you had bathed in holy water. and God, he wouldn't even let you look at those pearly gates of heaven, because just by the mere action of your eyes setting sight on them would desecrate them into malignant garbage. i have the ability to do all of that.

but pick a fight with me on the grounds on my affinity for my love and i turn stone cold. Michelangelo's David could speak more louder than i. i have these feelings inside of me, buried away, that have no labels. they are like colors. well, maybe orbs of colors. those are my feelings. they aren't organized by varying shades of emotions. there is no ticking sound of the label maker to perfectly label them. all i know is what colors i like, what colors i don't, which ones feel good, which ones i'm 'allergic' to, which ones irritate me, and which ones i can't stand the sight of. (oh my god. i sound like an autistic child. maybe that's what's wrong with me!!)

for example: my biological sperm donor and my paternal grandmother are both black as coal. that is what i see/saw around them. i tried to turn the coal into that of a diamond, but failed miserably. very miserably. my mom, now she's a tricky one. rather than any color, she vascillates between luke warm and almost too hot to touch. my maternal grandma is all purple. she's the perfect purple. it gets no better than that. when i'm with her, that purple transcends into my being and lights me up from within. liz, she's purple too, but perhaps a lighter shade. she can get on my nerves sometimes, but i suppose that, that is the norm for best friends and sisters alike. so that is, all on its own, perfect as is.

my aunt B, she's,...well, she's like a mood ring that's so old that it only shows one or two colors; dark dark blue and dark dark red. kinda like its either almost black, or almost blood red. i kinda have to sorta (metaphorically speaking, ofcourse) spit on the ring, whenever i get around her. if it doesn't sizzle, its cool to approach. if it sizzles, haul ass the other way. despite her two colors being so damn dark, the difference between the dark dark blue/dark dark red, versus the blacks... aunt B is a permenate fixture of love. and i am fully aware of that. in turn, that is why those two are black.... they lack love.

but my orb that i have dedicated to my love. that is guarded, lock, stock, and barrel. it is a mystery, even unto me. that one resembles the good witch of the east's bubble. that is about as close as i can get to a description. i can't disect it, and answer the why's. it simply is beyond my grasp. however, what i do know, is that i am like that of a lioness, guarding her pride. do not test me, for i will leave you scarred.

i think that when i accumulate all of these varying colors, squish them all together, that it becomes a klaliediscope of colors that is my soul. right now, too many dark colors are blurring my sight. but give me a while to land on my feet, and soon purple will be emenating out of my ass. my farts will be purple.

if you're still reading this, kudos. here are some taurean facts. see if it gives you a better understanding about moi:

*A taurean inner spiritual sense longs for earthly harmony and wholesomeness. When they fully understand this, and work toward this end, they will no longer need to blindly reassure themselves with external possessions and comforts. A realization that finding this inner peace will cause all of the above mentioned positive things will overtake them and their life will be very full.

Being Attracted
Things Natural
Time to Ponder
Comfort and Pleasure

Being pushed too hard
Synthetic or "man made" things
Being rushed
Being indoors

*Taurean Problems & Solutions*

PROBLEM: Physical things start loosing their appeal, and you feel more and more out of touch with the world around you. You stop caring so much about how much money you have among other physical concerns.
SOLUTION: You are starting to discover an inner harmony that is trying to replace the physical with spiritual. You must let this grow without killing the part of you that provides sustenance for your family.

PROBLEM: Unexplained fear of loss, jealousy and a paranoia that others are out to get you.
SOLUTION: You have within you the ability to not only attract faithfulness, but also the intellect to see what is truly going on around you. You are loosing faith in both of these personal traits. Rebuild that faith.

PROBLEM: Feeling depressed with life. Disgusted and dissatisfied. People around you are little comfort. You feel that life lacks meaning. Easily addicted to physical pleasures.
SOLUTION: Revisit and realize the value of spiritual things in life. Take control of your life by realizing it is not the things in life that are important, but the spirit behind it all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.

the problem of the pink hair has now been resolved. we dyed it back to what would be my natural color. it was fun while anna and i did it, but then after it dried by the next day, i resembled the hooker from my name is earl, except i had pink/red/blonde/brown hair. it was a rainbow of colors. not cool. ...not cool, at all.

my shoulders felt a bit better today, though i'm not quite in the clear yet. i hate when these things happen. its so aggravating. joy oh fucking joy.

when i left school today, i headed for my Dr.'s office, and honked the horn at a BUNCH of people. i was irritated, cramping, hot, hungry, and thirsty. thats when i realized my own mother nature was a-brewin a tropical storm out in the ocean somewhere.

everyday on the news, i see more and more of sarah palin. i don't like her. i am not so naieve to believe that there are no smoke screens in this political race. the fact of the matter is this: mccain was falling further and further in the polls, so when obama didn't choose hillary, mccain utilized this for all its worth, he chose a female. thats it, pure and simple.
if mccain gets elected this country is fucked. no other way of saying it. the agenda of the bush administrations will continue forward in their illegal wars and illegal and immoral means of attaining money.
there are shady things about all four people in this election. research would show just that. and most likely, you could play tit for tat and line up and compare every pro and con about each candidate. it will boil down to ultimately your own personal choice, as to who your vote goes to.

i am basing my vote on change, and who i believe to be more liberal. yes, in my opinion, that would be obama. i read somewhere that the majority of the rest of the WORLD believes it should be obama elected, not mccain. (the rest of the world was also mystified as to how bush got a second term. i am right there with them, on that one.)
we need change. this country is in a change drought. the bush administrations bled us dry. i just hope and pray to buddha that the electoral votes vote in obama, and aren't fixed to bring in mccain. it seems almost silly and moot to have the popular vote, when its really the electoral vote that matters.

okay, i'm done ranting. i'm tired. i think i may actually go to bed early tonight. *shock*

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

pic blog for my fat ass lazy bastard next door neighbor.

Monday, September 8, 2008

sordid lives.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

mirror, mirror, on the wall...

this weekend was nothing short of amazing. i went to florence initially to be with my family during Hanna, but at the last moment, my friend asked me to babysit her four month old. from the get-go, i knew this challenge was sent my way for a clear purpose. i needed to prove to myself and to others that i was very capable of taking care of an infant ALONE. not only did i do it, but i think i did a damn good job.
i took my harley with me, to keep me company. and after about an hour, him and Jake (a chihuahua) hit it off fine... for the most part. its some kind of strange phenomenon with my harley. i mean, seriously,... just about any male dog he meets HUMPS him!! my poor baby has been molested by numerous doggy-pedifile-ass pilferers. we tried to prevent him from receiving any unwanted affection from his new admirer. however, our dear precious and precocious harley, ever the wonder dog himself, saw it fit to try his best to attack the two big dogs. yesth, yesth. is it any wonder my harley has issues getting his spark plugs to ignite?

i absolutely adored my time with baby noah. i wished that day could've lasted longer. even being sick, he was nothing short of an absolute delight. when i fed him,... holding him, it was just awesome. i was completely awe struck. (also, apparently Jake is mistyeyed himself, seeing as to how he has sat by the window pouting for harley since we left.) i must admit, i am a horrid doggy mama, as i attempted to bribe anna by offering up both my dogs for noah. for some odd reason, she declined my offer. i can't imagine why. arrrg. lol.
when anna came home from work, we headed up to wal-mart and bought a few things. parts of my hair are now pinkish/firetruck red. yea. lady clairol shal be seeing me tomorrow. it was fun, though...even though C says my hair's gonna all fall out.
driving home, i had harley beside me, jackson curled up into a rolley poley ball on my comforter, and kelly clarkson blaring. i tell you, i pray to buddha she's on my team. *ahem* yesth, yesth, that would be quite nice.
i noticed that the trees are beginning to change colors, signaling this year's summer retirement. driving along the back roads, the sun glistened into the fields full of food, and the pavement sparkled in front of me. C and pops are working on our house steadily. and C mowed the grass there for the first time last week. that was kinda cool. i got to follow her from our new house to our current house with her driving the lawn mower, and i driving our truck. teehee.
life is good. everything is as it should be, finally. and that, is one hell of a fulfilling feeling. with the approaching arrival of fall, the changing of the winds bring a calming, mellow season that i look forward to every year.
vic mackey is back, sordid lives is on this week, i got pinkish/reddish hair, a new Tink jacket, a great wife, two semi-retarded dogs, a semi psychotic family, and great friends. so it seems to truly be a strange new sensation in the core of my heart; it is nothing more than,...a state of grace.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

vérité numéro quatre. (truth number four.)

the red brick mansion with its carefully laid bricks all in perfect place.
a foundation of shame and hate, support beams of reverberating disgrace.
lies made of sheet rock walls threaten to seal your fate.
no way in, but a trecherous warzone out.
beds are cold steel slabs with dilapidated blankets made of jaded hope.
the white picket fence is but a joke.
the perception of the two car garage deserves a second glance, for it is unhinged within.
floor beams bowed, but an areal rug covers the cracking of the seams.
tear stained pillows soak the pain.
the cookie cutter family undoubtedly feels the heat, though never spoken.
the erie night's silence shredded by soul clinching screams.
the violent suffication imprisons your spirit and steals your dignity.
the value of self worth diminished to the size of a mustard seed.
you never want to wake, as your dreams are the soul means of escape.
the bricks all soaked in blood of its victims, thus forever tattooed on your forehead; a branded vessel of hate.
the completion of a circle finds karma abound, while justice flew away like a bird on that cold rainy night.
still undead, the sword of evil has one more stab to the heart.
the final rejection, a beacon of hope where freedom and the soul elope.
the last few bricks shattered and defaced, no longer lying in wait for its prey.
never forgotten, lying in its place, a survivor's truth.
gone in haste was his fierceful hate, the reign of terror now displaced.
permenate are the scars, made with horrid distaste.
present are the spell binding feelings of never surrendering feelings.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

trois vérités. (three truth.)

i know your secret, I know your shame.
I know how you play the game.
The rebel child is little girl lost,
and the lost lost little girl now a rebel with a cause.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Is it the girl with the blood red skin,
or the girl that says ne'er a bigger sin?
Is it the one who couldn't get saved,
or the one who got saved, who's the truest of them all?
the war is over, screamed the last battle call.
Ne'er was there a bigger skin, better off dead.


The pain in da vinci's brushstrokes are no more evident than your self gain.
The makeup disguise holds fair.
But with your mirror as your wishing well,
tossing those pennies were a fail.
The cracks and wrinkles will one day show,
but tell us, what does your mirror already know?
Its not a smile, but a frown.
Mona Lisa, I know you well.


Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Thats what the children all say.
Ray, a drop of golden sun, sounds the music.
His lies no longer silent,
but it is your burning screams which are deafening.
More than his middle name, it gave us life.
Get too close, you would turn to ashes and fall down.
Disinigrated are the pockets full of posies.
Forever the odd one out,
it was I the goose bestowed upon.
Our childhood permeated by smog,
wasn't enough to fill the belly of the big bad wolf.