Saturday, May 31, 2008

random thoughts.

only 19 more days until florida!!
super stoked!!

everytime i think of florida, i swear to bob i hear, "miami, miami, you've got style, blue skies, sunshine, white sands by the mile,....miamiiiiii, youuuuu've goooot styyyyyyyyyyyyyle!!"
and right after that, i think, "miami,'re cuter interuteran."

we took C's mom out to eat, per her mom's day gift. we had a good time. C finally found a mexican dish i didn't hate. sweet. i wish i liked it. (just like with the sushi thing, i wish i could like it, but after like 5 or 6 tries, i just damnit can't swallow the fact that its raw fish. yuck.)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

theraputic input.

my therapist says to not write the bad paternal grandmother a farewell letter, that it would merely feed into her bullshit. and she's right. if MB can't recognize/respect my boundries before now, wtf makes me think she is going to do so in the future? i think buddha would smile upon my action of "inaction."
and oh yea, my therapist says the impending divorce is great!!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


mr kirby vaccum man needs to stfu and leave, already.

we have shit to do.

oh and fyi, the wife let him in while i was catchin mah zzz's.

yeah, can we say say irritation?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

purging of malignant beings.

my paternal grandmother.
now, that is a subject i tend to want to avoid.
that is,... *ponders very hard*
she is not a lady,
amongst other things.
let me enlighten you on her latest...antics.
okay so a while back when i had to deal with this whole social security thing, she remained true to form by hanging up on me with the most absolutely absurd reason that her warped mind could manifest. seriously. and the ironic thing to that situation was, was the fact that i was actually being thoughtful and sincere when she flipped her lid on me. damned if i do, and damned if i don't. so whatever.
okay, so anyways. that was like at the end of february or march sometime. haven't heard from that tomb of vile ever since. during my last visit home, i made a stop at a particular business establishment to socialize with my step mom's dad. nothing came of the visit. i told him that i hadn't heard from her, that i reckoned she was still mad at me, and that i would not tolerate that disrespect in my relationship with her. (further explaining myself, i stated that she was now carrying over the TYPE of relationship that she had with daddy over to her current relationship with me.) and let me tell you,... the son of a bitch is gone. dead.
in the words of patch adams, "Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, Demised, departed And defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God's way of saying, 'Slow down.'" ..."To check out...To shuffle off this mortal coil... To head for the happy hunting ground... To blink for an exceptionally long period of time... To find oneself without breath... To be the incredible decaying man... Worm buffet... Kick the bucket. ..Buy the farm... Take the cab... Cash in your chips."
okay, whoah. i got side tracked with that, didn't i? yea. yet another tendency of mine. anyways, okay so i told B that i wasn't going to tolerate her behavior anymore. okay, so after i return to our humble abode here in the ghetto/country fabulousness that is the oburg, my psycho aunt calls to enlighten me upon the fact that mrs. vile, herself, called my good grandma and was bein all nosy.
now see. here's the thing. i've given the old hag my number. i gave B my number. i gave my uncle my number. i even gave my over bearing anorexic aunt my number. i purposefully made sure that i gave my number to her "inner circle" of closed minded heathens. then, i asked her to NOT CALL MY GOOD GRANDMA LOOKING FOR ME. she is doing this on fucking purpose.
ya know. i know that people like her are pathetic. they hang on to this hate, this vile, this... darkness and they fester on it until their souls turn black. i know people like this, like her. daddy was one of them. forgiveness is an alien concept to them. the only thing they can understand about forgiveness is that it is yet another means of manipulation for them to use to attack their victims again and again. these people are just black. and i aint bein racist here either. to be in their vicinity hurts you. and when they sink their vicious nails into you, there's nothing like it. they THRIVE off of making others miserable. they are chameleons who manipulate everything in site. this is my grandmother. and believe me when i say, i am not proud to boast that little fact.
she didn't stop at ignoring my request, no, she sent out her mentally ill (and i mean that in no joking manner, he is sweet as can be, but easily manipulated by her demands) son to try to hunt me down. he has called me repeatedly. i wish i could get his number blocked from my cell phone. you see, he doesn't know better. he cannot understand; he is incapable. that is part of his disease. i cannot just flat out say, "hey uncle L, i don't want to be part of this family anymore. don't call me ever again. goodbye." that isn't fair to him. he didn't do anything to me. and the old bag knows this. she knows where my compassion lays. i cannot do that to him. what kind of "mother" (and i use the term loosely) would KNOWINGLY do that to their child? well, then again, i am speaking of a woman *scratch that* homo sapien who tried to serve her ex husband divorce papers WHILE HE WAS IN WAR OVERSEAS, who thinks its 'cute' that her then child son tried TO KILL HER DAUGHTER, who thought my parents should STILL BE MARRIED. (yes i know, try to swallow that.)
she hates herself. that is supremely obvious to me. she is filled to the BRIM with hatred. i KNOW she hates me too. i mean, i know she does. perhaps not to the extent that daddy hated me, but nonetheless. maybe she does in fact hate me more now, because i refused to coddle her during the aftermath of the deaths. i told her the truths she didn't want to hear. maybe she hates me more because i told her he deserved what he got and that i hope he knew the suffering he caused to others. maybe so. in my heart i know it. i don't hate her. i don't hate anyone (suprisingly). i just don't like her. i don't love her either. i don't have to.
so here i am with this annoying conundrum. how do i handle this situation? you see, uncle L won't stop calling until he gets me. so, i am contemplating my move, or even my inaction. maybe i could write her a letter? boy, that'd be a helluvaletter, now wouldn't it?
maybe she will get the point at the end of the summer when i make my departure from thefamily official? ugh. any suggestions, fellow bloggers?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

sweet summertime..

because i am lazy and all that, here is a picture blog. so, add up all the pictures together and you shall get the idea. peace, yall!!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Things do not change; we change.

i must beg for your pardon for my posting inadequatecies. life has been 'Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster,' to say the least.
i had to do this self portrait for my therapist, and it wound up being a plain jane kinda lookin figure with a mask covering her face. i wish i had better, more refined artistic abilities. i would've liked to have drawn a mirror with a woman looking into it, but her reflection is a jaded litle girl, adorning a broken princess' tiara.
the truth is ugly. i have come to realize this. its jerry springer/slap yo mama/put the boogeyman outta business kinda ugly. ugly as it may be, its still staring back at you in the mirror.
i am tired of being sad. mad. hurt. disappointed. fermented. morose. moody. and, forgotten. that's the truth. i keep looking outward for my happiness. and time and time again, i fail miserably. although i'm not the neon yellow in the crayola box, i'm definately not the black either. nobody is capable of fixing it, creating it, or finding it. only myself. my happiness, that is.
'its not fair to the people who need me' to let myself nosedive into my head. i can't change the past. i somehow will have to work on that whole thing. its a snowball, you see. its not just one or two issues, rather a whole clusterfuck of them. a miasma of lunacy.
avoidance and denial can make ugly babies. the product of those is/are my hangup(s). i mean, logically, i know i cannot change my past. and logically, i am crystal clear in comprehending the fact that i will NEVER EVER understand why he hated me. i get that much. i get it.
see, here's where the snowball effect fucks it all up: i've gotta re-teach myself that little ditty called self-worth. yea. that thing. nasty little side effect that one is. no warning label on the side of that pill bottle!
my secondary (but not less important by any means) goal is learning to LET GO. as if it weren't painfully apparent, i tend to hang on for dear life to the most idiotic things. its just that little girl with the broken tiara throwing a hissy fit, because she has this insatiable, innate, indescribable NEED to be loved and accepted by everyone she thinks should love and accept her.
however, coming out of my self imposed slumber, i am shaking off the fog and observing my surroundings. i have an amazing wife, whom i absolutely love with all of my being. marriage ain't easy, yall. where's the mothafuckin handbook? did i miss that day in school? (no doubt probably one of the man days i purposefully broke a bracket off of my braces so i'd get out of school early.)
wow. seriously. what's with the add?
back to the wife... there's positively no doubt in my heart that i want to remain in this marriage with her. i don't have some magic crystal ball that reveals my future, so i don't know what the future holds. i know what i want it to hold, and really that is all i can aim for. that is all any of us can aim for, isn't it? i know we both need to work on this whole compromise issue. yea, we're both hard headed as shit when it comes down to it. (although i'm hard headed, sweetheart, and all up for compromising, ya don't have much wiggle room on the whole dog thing.)
i truly get sick to my stomach thinking about my life without her. it just doesn't seem right. she's totally "the cheese to my macaroni." i believe we can make this work. when two people want something bad enough, and they work hard, it'll happen eventually.
with all that being said,... "but i digress," ...we have stupendous changes in our forecast. yay!! for starters, we have been reimbursed by the insurance company for the damages done to our backyard by mr. psycho man. honey has mended our picket fence. its now safe to let the adorable, shitheads outside. (although, the chicken wire is still needed, because our mutts have a slight case of the retard in them.) we're like sex addicts in an adult toy store. we don't know exactly what to do!! secondly, today we officially signed the closing papers on our house. commence the house construction/family arguments/headaches/gripes. seriously. wow. that is super scary. we. are. building. a. house. that's so permenant. "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet."
(okay, i know. enough with the quotes. but seriously. i'm having add symptoms tonight for realz.)
third point of note, our dogs have yeast infections in their ears. (yummy.) and liz's cat has leaking/oozing cysts on its ass. (yay!!)
fourth point of note, my biological paternal grandmother called my good grandma yesterday looking for me. yeah. not cool. i will be inquiring about perhaps blocking the old bag's number from ever calling my good, crazy, semi-teefless, adorable, slightly insane, loving, charming, FAVORITE grandma. i have made numerous, BLUNT requests/demands that she not call my good grandma. the old hag has my cell number. and if she says she doesn't, well... she's full of shit. actually, she's probably full of cirrhosis. cirrhosis of the liver, head, heart... i could go on, but why? that'd be like being inside a burning building looking for the source of the fire. (and yes, i used that buddhist analogy. and i rocked it too, so suck it.)
and last, but most certainly not least, the biggest change of all, i hope will occur simultaneously with the erection of our new abode. i'll keep that tremendous (and cathardic) change to ourselves, until we get final word from the lawyer.
included are some seemingly random pictures. (except the bathroom shot, ofcourse. it was a hot picture. and even though my wife will surely ass rape me, i'm still putting it up so she can show me off to her little cohorts at work. -i love you, pookie-) you'll see honey and jackson repairing the fence, then you'll see jackson chillaxin in our fantastically trashy $11 plastic pool, and alas, you'll see honey signing the closing papers. yes, changes are in the air.

Friday, May 16, 2008


Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much
as your own unguarded thoughts.

Develop the mind of equilibrium.
You will always be getting praise and blame,
but do not let either affect the poise of the mind:
follow the calmness, the absence of pride.

Sutta Nipata

The fool thinks he has won a battle when he bullies with harsh speech,
but knowing how to be forbearing alone makes one victorious.

Samyutta Nikaya I, 163

Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise.
Surangama Sutra

Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is.
In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.
Death comes unexpectedly.
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day,
'one who knows the better way to live alone.'

Bhaddekaratta Sutta

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done,
we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.
So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger,
but in wisdom, understanding and love.

Jennifer Edwards

View all problems as challenges.
Look upon negativities that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow.
Don't run from them, condemn yourself, or bury your burden in saintly silence.
You have a problem? Great.
More grist for the mill. Rejoice, dive in, and investigate.

Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


today in my therapist's office i saw a board game for carmen sandiego. i was elated when i saw it. i told her if i could find that computer game on ebay, i'd so be buying it.
you see, carmen sandiego brings back warm memories of comfort and slivers of happiness. even as a child, i was such a computer nerd. i was the kid on the block who had everything first. first super nintendo, first tv, vcr, phone in their room. i was spoiled, what can i say?
my days consisted of eating boiled pnuts, french onion dip with chips, and coca colas. if i wasn't watching the golden girls, roseanne, saved by the bell, family matters, or wishbone... i was either watching carmen san diego on pbs, or either i was playing it on my computer.
it was a great show and game. there was no violence, no murders, no sexual connitations. all you had to do was follows the clues globally to catch carmen and her merry band of crooks. as to what exactly the crime was that she comitted, i can't recall. or, i'm not even sure if we ever knew what it was. but it was a harmless cops 'n robbers game that had an underlying educational purpose to teach geography.
yea see, us 80's kids knew what the fuck good entertainment was. give us some fraggle rock, saved by the bell, family matters, or Dinosaurs.
our flaws were peewee herman, acid washed jeans, crimped hair, neon colors, miami vice, inevitable destruction to the ozone layer from the immense over use of aquanet, and mullets and jerry curls. but hey, everybody makes mistakes. after all, ask jim and tammy bakker, or richard pryor.
those were the days.
good times,
good times, my friend.

Monday, May 12, 2008

eliminating monsters.

the mind is a powerful instrument, i have recently discovered. with everything that has been happening recently, apparently i retired to my safe place. i didn't even know that i had withdrawn to that place. its that place in my head where i have four walls surrounding me, like a cacoon, encasing me in a blanket of protection and warmth. my own defense mechanism, my secret safe haven when the world outside is just too much to face. i tend to do this without even knowing it. so when C grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me back into reality, it was indeed a rude awakening. rude, alarming, upsetting, yet necessary.
things between she and i have not been so stable as of late. being stuck in a rut is definately not fun. it gives you that feeling of panic, because you don't know what to do to aleiviate the problem. its kind of like being in the middle of the woods, bogged down in mud with your four wheeler, and no signal on your cell phone. its that same 'oh shit' feeling. i'm not sure what will happen. its crystal clear that we both love each other very much and want to remain together. but we want different things in the long run. i don't understand her position. i try, but i just cannot fathom it. i don't understand how she can hold her stance with as much pain that its causing. i don't resent her, i just don't understand it. this is one of the contributing factors as to why i coiled into my mind. its just easier that way. impractical, but easier. i don't want to lose her because of this. yet i can't purge the calling i have. i'm not going to allow myself to hide any longer. she is too important to me for me to wuss out.
then, there's him. he still doesn't deserve to be grieved for. this world is better off without his toxicity. yet when his birthday rolled around, the little girl cried all over again. in spurts, this time, but nonetheless, she still cried. perhaps i am grieving for the loss of my fantasy of having a daddy, being daddy's little girl. i think that is it, that has to be what i am so sad over. because it damn sure is not over the 'man' who called me a trashy bitch. it is not over the person who was pure evil. never have i shed a tear for him. nor will i ever shed a tear for that monster. when i was little, that's what i was scared of. when the lights were off, i was scared of the boogeyman. the only difference between my boogeyman and my friends' boogeyman, was that mine was my dad.
monsters are evil. they suck you in with their deceptions, build you up, and then savagely rape and murder you. they have no remorse, they could care less that you are knocked down on your butt grasping for air and holding your bleeding barely beating heart in your hand. all they see is an achievement, another notch on their belt, something to boast about. they laugh. they laugh at your misery. and it is just that which they feed upon, your misery is their nourishment, which keeps them alive. people like that deserve what they get, and believe me, karma always gets them. she gets them tenfold.
i am knocked down on my butt, my face covered in dirt and my clothes caked with mud. the cold wind is stinging my gaping, bleeding wounds. but i'm alive. i'm weak, but i'm alive, damnit. the monster couldn't take me out. and WON'T. i'm going to get strong again. stronger than i ever was. and that little girl that is hiding, terrified of the boogeyman, will come out with her head held high, and looking forward to life. i will NOT be knocked down for long. i am in pain, i am breathless, crushed, and aching. but i am not done for.
wobbly are my first few steps coming out of my head. but that's okay. what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. and after what i have endured, i will be able to go ninja on these monsters' asses. its my time. no more bullying, no more torturing, no more middle school drama, no more deception, no more fear, and no more bullshit.
i believe in me; i believe i will be just fine. and that's all that matters.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

breath 'n believe.

this has been a hellacious week, to say the least.
psycho's aggravating our life big time.
so get this.
thursday, about 15 minutes into what looked to be a particularly good CSI,
some suicidal dumbass takes out our backyard.
car caught fire.
tried to run away.
umpteen dozen pigs,
4 or 5 firetrucks,
and the whole damn community ALL crowded into our now defunct backyard.
i know there were EASILY 50 people there.
by the grace of the goddess,
this fool is fully covered by state farm.
and those bastards better get here to survey the damage because having our yard look like some jerry springer past guest's yard is NOT cool.
not cool.

i got SUPER excited giving anna her baby presents.
(although, Honey DID have to put the brakes on how MUCH we bought her, lol.
what can i say?
i got a lil too excited about it!!)
baby noah is absolutely beautiful.
anna is beautiful.
she looks so fulfilled being a mommy.
i admit,
i am jealous of that.
that look she had,
that aura about her.
lucky and blessed, she is.

when i sat there and held Noah,
it was like a got that minute i've been asking the world for.
just a minute to take a breath,
to get my footing.
i mean,
i still have my issues goin on,
but i atleast got to catch my breath.
and truthfully,
it tops seeing even Reba & Kelly.

my therapist says she's going to teach me what to do with my anger.
she says i must feel it.
well, i don't want to feel it.
i associate anger with asshole.
and my entire life i have been freakishly paranoid that i'll have any similarities with him.
and this anger shit,
is just that.
i don't like it.
it does nothing good for me.
kind of like math.
it serves me no purpose and i find it annoyingly intrusive in my life.
i also told her about how i automatically scan any place i enter in florence
to check to see if dad is there.
she says that's normal
and compared it to the vietnam vets coming home and still scanning crowds looking for bad guys with grenades.
ptsd, she says.
she even compared it to the trauma of rape,
except ofcourse,
mentally and emotionally.
she has given me the toughest assignment yet;
to figure out what it is EXACTLY that i am mad about.
because we often get mad when we are frustrated and we try to relive the situation to change the outcome of it.
so i have to face exactly what it is that i am stuck on,
what it is that i am hanging onto.
what it is that i am mad about.

what it all boils down to is this,
i have to learn to let go instead of hanging on for dear life.

bnb, rosie says.