Tuesday, September 29, 2009


i am sick and i am scared. i don't know what will happen and it sickens me to my tummy. i try to talk reason into my psyche by saying, "Sarah, you have anxiety issues. With anxiety comes the feeling of impending doom. Its ok, take a deep breath."
i say it and logically i see its true, but it seems like i am in the death grip of fear. fear is the spider that is cacooning me. concentrate on my school work, i think. if i can just do that and get through this semester passing all of my classes, i can do it.
i have these feelings i cannot further explain. she says they make no sense; have no basis. maybe thats how she sees it. but not for me. she says its all in my head, and maybe it is, i don't know. but i absolutely loathe being told that things are all in my head. it makes me feel powerless and unstable. characters from many chapters ago did the same to me, fostering an insecure sense of self. it helped create a girl who truly believed that she wasn't worthy of love. i have fought from the pits of hell (that i chained myself into) to undo that line of thinking and feeling. so to have her, my equal, throw those unintending barbs at me hurt. i know what i feel, i know why i feel it, and just because you can't see my perspective doesn't discredit me.
i am my own self, you are your own self. you are my equal; not my lesser, not my greater. when i expressed myself, you threw as many barbs as you could at me, to try and discredit my emotions. understandably you were defensive. some of the things you said took my breath away. like the Dementors tried to take Harry's soul. visually thats how it felt when you said that.
i am not perfect, i have made an ass load of mistakes. i have corrected my actions and still am actively correcting some behaviors. its all a learning process. there is no finish line and grand prize for learning to give and take. no confetti, no balloons. merely silent victories. i have come far from where i was when we met, and i still have a ways to go. i may not agree with you on things and i may be pissed, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, unappreciated, loved, happy, blissful, exuberent...
one thing i have never done or will do is discredit you as a person. that is who i fell in love with, who i married, and who i am with. that is an injustice. i am trying hard as i can to move on from this, to leave it be. and honestly i simply keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation on the subject. every couple known to mankind has its ups and downs. i am eagerly looking forward to climbing up this hill with my equal, my wife, my partner. i do so love you.

Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you

yoda's daily thought.

it is sometimes the silence that speaks the loudest.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

feast your eyes on this horrendous creation of the south.

We made it to Charleston and back without my being a bitch... THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, VIRGINIA!! And that's all I'll say about that. The following are pictures of random stuff. Enjoy!!

The first horrendous item that your eyes will be forever scarred by, is PICKLED BOLOGNE. Yes. Pickled bologne. Its round like sausage links but really thick. Perhaps an inch or so in diameter. Some of the shit they pickle down here in the deep South scares me. Seriously.

The second item is what I saw on the side of a White Ford Explorer at my school. For every door, there was a different Kool- Aide color. And as you can see, the door to the right of the yellow is green. LOVING Oburg!! Such class!!

This is what happens when you put too much soap in a fancy front load washing machine. At least I didn't pull a Brady Bunch fiasco with it!!

Honey & her Daddy cleared out part of our yard and it looks AMAZING now. It doesn't look trashy anymore!! (There were leftover items there from us building the house.)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

joe blows.

okay i have a question for yall stalkers readers.

am i being unfair, unjust, being a tee-total bitch, or do yall think
i have grounds for my opinion? here's the quick run-through
of the story.

fleshdance Pictures, Images and Photosexploding dog - one question Pictures, Images and Photos

i met a kid i'll call "joe," at school in my psyche class.
i decked him as a fellow gay and in time,
like always (ahem, Cheryl), i was proven right.
we got to be close quickly but as the semester
progressed, he reconnected with old friends and made
new ones. since he is a small town southern queer,
this is to be expected. i even left him a card on his car
for his birthday. once he began hanging out with the
aforementioned friends, suddenly his demeanor
shifted. he no longer had time for me,
or for me and Cheryl.

when honey and i lived at the other house two years ago,
we had a big blowout cookout for my birthday party that'd
i'd planned way in advance for. i invited joe. i even kept
reminding him about it. his ambiguous answer bugged
me, but i let it go. he told me shortly before the party
that he'd have to see what else came up. finally, DURING
the party, he calls me and says that something came up
and he couldn't make it. the following day i found out the
thing that came up was a spur of the moment trip to a gay
bar in columbia with another lesbian couple and another queer.
that hurt my feelings. then honey and i had a get together
that we invited him to. again, the exact same thing occurred.
of all the times i asked him to meet up to hang out or just to
socialize he did meet up with me i'd say, 1 out of 3 times.
once i had to go to the neighboring small town of st. matthews
to go to the Pig, so i called him to see if he'd meet me there.
i'd just finished talking to him via the interwebs and he said
he was taking a break from studying and just playing around
and that he was bored. once i got to the Pig, i called him. his
response? "its 7 miles down the road. i'd have to get in my
car and come, i'm too lazy." yeah. i was so displeased on
that one. somewhere in the midst of this he and i had a talk
about him needing to be a better friend and about giving me
non-ambiguous answers ahead of whatever event so that
i would not be holding onto false hope. that obviously flew
right out the window. and finally there was the time that i
called him in crying hysterics because honey and i had a spat
which thoroughly upset me. instead of attempting to comfort
me in any capacity, he started talking about his flavor of the
month. i had to fight to bring the conversation back around
to why i was calling, and when i finally succeeded, his tone
of voice change to the "i don't give a shit" attitude. he then
quickly had to go.

so i ask yall, am i wrong or right in feeling slighted by
this boy? that he obviously doesn't think enough of our
friendship to matter to him? i realize he cannot be
at my every beckon call or that he is the sun to my earth.
i don't expect nor want that. but am i being bitchy for
expecting to get in return what i give into a friendship?
have yall ever had this happen before? if so, what became
of it? he asked me why i didn't talk to him anymore (after
not talking to me for months) so i told him. and he
got pissed. then the usual excuses came in; school work,
he had a man he could only see once a week, he was
busy, etc. the same god damn jargon as every time before.
any advice on this situation? leave it in my comments.
please. i'm eager to get your opinions to see if i'm
being a bitch or being fair.

question Pictures, Images and Photos

and for a wee bit of comedic relief purposes,
i bring you two LoL's!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

faith in love.

to say things have been a little tense around here is an understatement. that's okay though. everything in life has its ups and downs. every relationship has a rough patch here and there every now and then. while its true that sometimes love just isn't enough in a relationship, love IS enough to comfort and sustain you through these rough patches. i don't have faith in a lot of things, being the ever quirky, mistrustful pessimist that i am, but i do have faith in love. and right now, that love is acting as the bridge to "cross over troubled waters."

i have been sick for about the past two weeks; i just can't seem to shake this damn thing. i have been to the doctor, had a round of antibiotics, a round of cough syrup, and tested negative for the H1N1 (swine) flu. i don't know whats wrong with me. but i feel uber yucky.

honey pot mowed the grass this week and our furbabies watched her. it was so cute. i realized that harley and sophia's ears are almost identical in the way they hold them; like chihuahua brother, like chihuahua sister. sophia seems to have discovered that she can pick on lizards, since they are just her size. so far she's tortured two. bush's water boarding doesn't have shit on sophia's torture attacks!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

dumbasses: PAY ATTENTION!!

when baking blue berry muffins, i urge you to heed to my advice: when the package says ONLY add 1/2 cups of milk, do so. do NOT be lazy and attempt to measure it out with a 1/3 measuring cup. you WILL fuck it up. this is NOT a maybe you will, this is a definite, you WILL fuck it up. when you do fuck it up, here is the outcome: the blue berries sink to the bottom of the said "muffins," which also adopt the consistency of cornbread. bon appetit!

dumbass Pictures, Images and Photos STUPID Pictures, Images and Photos
fail Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, September 18, 2009

life, it goes on...


i am a taurus. taureans do not like change. in fact, we staunchly abhor it. like oil and water, fire and ice, bill o'reilly and rosie o'donnell, kanye west and taylor swift, michael jackson and children (ooooh, too soon?)... i also have this ever-so-slight "flaw," where i have this irritating obsession to be in control of stuff. it is an incessant character trait that i excersize over the most trivial of junk. i am also stubborn. i am stubborn to a humiliating fault. i have a routine in my life, in our life. it is like that of a human beating heart; any interruption to the consistent beating throws the whole ensemble out of whack.
i tell you these things about me so that i may tell you this: (metaphorically, of course) there was once a girl about week or two ago who had to sneeze, but this particular sneeze she severely misjudged. it was no little wuss sneeze, no, it was a fierce one. (as you know, sneezes stop the heart and come out the same force as the wind speed of a hurricane. therefore sneezes truly do pull a number on your body.) the sneeze that this girl sneezed was bigger than her, for when it came upon her, a cocktail of phlegm and spit spewed forth 100 yards, she whizzed a lil bit on herself, and simultaneously misjudged a fart for a stank shart. this was a nasty sneeze. it contaminated the air around her and threw her balance off whack quite severely. the aftershocks of said sneeze could be felt for days and days to follow.

it hurt her heart, writhed her tummy into knots that were horrendous, had her seeing spots, tightened her chest where she had to gasp for air, played topsy turvy with her equilibrium, and always somehow smelled a whiff of shit where ever she was. this sneeze hurt. and every time her nose got stopped up, her tummy ached all the more in fear of another heart stopping sneeze.
but life goes on and your body eventually heals. right now i'm still aching quite terribly and live in fear of another sneeze that i don't see coming. being blind sighted and scared senseless hurts. my heart hurts. my soul hurts. my meltdown of tears revealed too much vulnerability than i cared to show. moving on and moving forward should never hurt, should never feel like a stake in the heart. there are worse things in life, yes, i'm acutely aware. but there are better things too, this i know. there are ups and downs in everything in life; relationships, gravity, hard-ons, musical notes, wealth, intelligence, grades,... love. and that's all i'll say about that.

today marked twelve years since i lost my angel. this world is truly empty without her. i did get an affirmation from her today, if you believe in that, which i do. a story ran today on AOL that did it for me, that was her means of telling me she's still with me in spirit.
"The choice fell on the late king's niece -- Bartels, who has been working as a secretary at the Ghanaian Embassy in Washington for the past 30 years. She learned about it in a late-night telephone call from a relative, who addressed her as "Nana" -- a title Ghanaians accord people of stature."
i love you, my Nana. thank you for saving me and making me into who i am today.

"...So when you leave me not knowin', where you're goin', I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye. How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me... If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you, If you don't get drunk on my kiss, If you think you can do better than this, then I guess we're done, Let's not drag this on, Consider me gone..."

Monday, September 14, 2009

there's too much pain & not enough love in this world.

what can i say about this weekend? it was ROUGH. rougher than the leg hairs on a lumberjack dyke who lives on the land out west somewhere. it hurt. flat out, hurt.
but that has taken back seat to a much bigger heartache; honey's cousin passed away this morning. i know the heartache of the universe stealing a loved one from this realm all too soon. that loved one died september 18th, 1997. that twelfth anniversary is in just 3 days. everything happens in three's. when my Nana died, that too, occurred in three's: Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, and my Nana. my heart, soul, and all the love i can give are with my Honey Pot & her family. i love you, my pookie-doodlebug.
well today, honey's cousin died, along with patrick swayze. who's numero tres? last time i questioned this, freaking michael jackson died.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

somebody, stop it.

i feel like i'm on a train wreck- i can't stop it.

my heart feels like its breaking.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Shaved my BOTH twin brothers' peach fuzz mustaches for the first time. AW!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

thursday morning ramblings.

last night, honey pot took a stern tone with me to "order" me to go to the local urgent care facility here in florence. i hemmed and hawed, as i hate going to those places. somewhere in the back of my mind, i think that the reason the doctors that work in these doc-in-the-box places either failed med school, are a con artist, a doctor who got fired from some super esteemed medical facility, a doctor who is being slapped with a punishment from the medical licensing board, or one of those "self sacrificing" people who is single handedly trying to save the world from one thing or another.

either way, my lil brother accompanied me to help me talk since i was having technical difficulties doing so. my symptoms were so bad that they were semi-reminiscent of my migraine days; my vision was not at its top peak, as the light hurt my eyes, and i found it difficult to formulate sentences. i got antibiotics, nasal spray, and a mild pain killer. they tested me for swine flue, but upon my rectal examination, they found no corkscrew tail. ;-)

during my appointment, the nurse asked if he was my son. this is the second time this has happened this weekend. what is this fuckery?! my bob. i'm 27, he's two months shy of being 14. ohmystars. i would have been 14 when i had him. no ma'am, that didn't occur. am i looking that old? that hagard? that jaded? what is the universe doing? fucking with me because my biological clock is madly ticking? thanks. thanks a lot, asshole.

drastically changing the subject here,... but i just read that ellen is replacing paula 'abdrool' on american idol. interesting replacement. very interesting. but i guess we shall see how this equasion factors out.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

labor day vacation.

my adorable bloggers, i've not forgotten you; i've been on vacation with the crazy crew that is my family. overall the trip went great. i do have some remaining sanity left in tact. that totally surprised me, by the way. the majority of my family retreated down to cherry grove beach to a house that belongs to a family member of a family friend. there were quite a few hairy moments during the trip, but overall, it was great.
one favorite moment was a dry ice bomb. that was pretty awesome. then another favorite moment was when we caught some crabs in the crab trap, them bitches was fuckin!! seriously!! attached and everything!! we began packing up the vehicles yesterday when one baby brother got over zealous in his efforts to haul items to various vehicles and tripped on the stairs. long story short, we think he broke his elbow into two places. he went to get a permenant cast today but the swelling was too great for them to properly do so. he has to wait two weeks for new xrays to determine the course of treatment.
naturally i got home to mom's and was a-okay. i woke up this morning sick as a damn dog. idk, so don't ask. i'm going to the doc-in-the-box in the morning. but i was fine the entire trip to the beach, then BAM!! ugh. atleast its not a possible broken elbow like my lil brother. included are beach pics. enjoy!!

the ENTIRE time, sophia (wee-one) pulled her manipulative i'm-so-feeble-hold-me-bullshit. as you can see, one aunt fell for her antics.

the epitome of a vacation, right here, yall. suck it, betches!!

the crabs were attached and gettin jiggy wid it!!

na-na-na-na-na-na, get jiggy wid it....

a humongus hole the twins and their friend dug on the beach; they're pretty proud of it.

front of the house.

the first crab we caught.

the dry ice bomb. heh.

the canal we were on.

"...the bitch is back,...." ~elton john. (my aunt.)

who's jumpin in the canal first?

that shit was chill-ayyyyyyyyyyy