Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Sunday, July 26, 2009

todays and yesterdays.

last night i washed, dried, and folded MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of laundry. good golly!! how in the world do TWO PEOPLE have SO DAMN MANY dirty clothes?! i pondered this very question as i sat on our back porch last night around ten. that's when i saw the magic of a sultry southern night; fairies. (okay maybe not fairies, but fireflies.) the back of our house faces the woods, which surround our entire house. i was enclosed within a trove of happy, fluttering fairies dancing the night away. i sat back and enjoyed the awesome magic of the amazing carolina twilight.

back in high school, i had many self sworn mortal enemies. the majority of my own foolish doings. but then again, just about anything we did back in high school was foolish and immature so there really is no use in attempting to justifying it. but i digress, in high school i was on the school paper for three years. two of which, i proudly served as the assistant editor. and let me tell you,... come my final year on the paper, i was fuming. i felt i had proved myself worthy of the editor position. hell, i would have gladly compromised with co-editor. who honestly knows if i did actually prove myself worthy enough for that title. i can tell you one thing, though, in my head, i damn deserved that shit with royal treatment. that's a teenager for you though, isn't it? they think they deserve everything. why? "gah, as IF you HAVE to ask!!"

this girl, who took the editorship seat from my rightful position- i felt- it was on like a pot o' neck bones. we had our squabbles mostly in our senior year. all seething, simmering, passive aggressive and vicious as bitchy teen girls could be. of course, now i can't recall what one of those single squabbles was about. it could have been she wanted a size 32 font and i wanted a size 34 font. seriously. they amounted to nothing. so after graduation, i said adieu to the bitch and deemed it chapter closed. in years since, i have oft wondered what became of the girl of whom i came to loathe.

rumor had it she lost her mind after her parents' divorce, and another rumor put her as a waitress after graduating from an ivy league college. you just never really know what to factually believe with rumors. since joining, i admit, i have kept an eye out for this girl i despised. why, i'm unsure, as it makes no sense to me whatsoever. but damnit, my patient perseverance paid off. i friended her and waited to see if she would accept me. low and behold; she did. what i saw posed a conflict within myself: the adult self wondered what had happened to the girl who had everything going for her, with the go get 'em attitude, and the fire in her eyes. what i saw was just the opposite of that. she has become a shell of her former self, but i suppose that rings true for us all, as no doubt time changes us all. in the flash of a moment, my adult self feels a slight twinge of sadness for my former enemy. however, if the blunt truth be told, my former self, my immature teenged, angst ridden, miserable self,...was gleefully delighted. how fucking sad is that. is like a bittersweet pill you have to take. you need to take it to help you improve yourself on what you think needs improving. but it leaves a bitter aftertaste that wrenches your tummy with painful reminders of immature, insidious, foolish yesteryears that you cannot negate. so i end this rather insightful blog with this serious shout out to my beloved wife-

Saturday, July 25, 2009

hum drum...

we are slowly getting stoked about our impending vacation. we're crossing our fingers, our legs, toes and even our ass hairs hoping nothing halts our plans like last year. i'm truly excited to breathe that florida air, to see the lush greenery, the beautiful beaches, and the awesome summer storms. with the additions of the BFF, Laverne and our tiny princess, Sophia, its sure to be a fantastical blast!! not really a whole lot to report on the home front, so i'll leave you with two pictures. enjoy!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

douches and bitches.

Dear Mr. SUV Driving Man,

I was wrong at first to have said a few choice words, as it was our fault we cut you off. However, the fact that you kept staring at me is really what pissed me off. Your wrap around douche shades do not fool me. I bet you were wearing a Polo shirt, khaki cargo shorts and flip flops, most likely on your way to a golf game. I know your kind all too well. Simply put, you're a douche. And you don't scare me. Thus, the reason I stared you down upon your stare down challenge. Sarah: 1, Douche: 0. So long, asshole.

The Bitch in the Exxon Parking Lot.

P.S.- Oh, and yes, I did mouth to you, "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER." Just in case you were wondering. Go on now, you'll miss your Tee off time at the country club.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

spittin em out...

my friend, KD, and i were having a conversation tonight about having babies. how to conceive, adoption, parenting, etc. i spit out a hell of a charming little quip that i just had to share with yall. enjoy. :-)

KD: then there are the ones who are & shouldnt be

Me: have you checked out some support groups online for IVF?

KD: yea we are looking around, we still have a little while before we can consider it
Me: oh god,...octomom & that bitch with what, 19? she shoots them bitches out like that thing at the bowling alley that brings your ball back to you.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

how rude.

okay, let me start this off by saying that i adore my wife. i adore her tremendously. i truly do. there's nothing in this world i wouldn't do for her. but every time i walk into one of our bathrooms and see she's turned our toilet paper around, it makes me wanna metaphorically kick her in the taco!! the toilet paper (or ass paper as i lovingly refer to it on our grocery list) ALWAYS goes OVER, not under. gah.

crazy antics.

okay so in all honesty, not a heck of a whole bunch has been going on around these parts. life is plodding along, quietly and quite nicely.

no sooner did i get that typed out when there was a knock at our front door. a friend of wifey's, a fellow 'family' member of the male species, wanted to borrow the computer to look something up. i happily obliged him. apparently, he was looking for flamingos. and no, not of the plastic persuasion. he was looking where to purchase a flamingo. because its so classy. yes, yes. it takes all kinds, i suppose.

as far as the pictures go, they are pretty much self explanatory. all three of our furbabies chillin out on a fantastically cool summer's day, brothers in combat, harley and jackson resting from a bout of "wrassling," evil kittykitty proving my theory that felines are all out to plot and destroy the world (or in our kitty's case, the back of my wife's head), me at a cookout, the wifey and i at a cookout, and last but not least,... harley looking on as our youngest son gets violently raped by his incestuous sister. i can see her in her mind thinking, "who's the bitch now, BITCH?!"

yet another run-in with a member of the evil tyrant's family has once again stunned me. seriously, the majority of these people are equivalent to cockroaches, they never die or go away. (unless you liquor them up really good, apparently.) i feel so stupid EVERY TIME one of them manages to stun me with their ever so eloquent level of... trashiness. i can't find the word i am looking for to adequately describe what it is that these people bring forth upon the world. you would think that after 27 years of being CONTINUOUSLY surprised by their antics that i'd be used to it by now. but no sir'eee bob, the surprises just keep a'comin. as is, i pay a whopping $5 per month to block a specific household and its members from calling my cell. (that's a lot of money per year, if you think about it, to just keep the cockroaches away.) but it gives me peace of mind, so its worth every penny. something told me to deny her request as a friend on but no, i shut that voice up so foolishly, just as i do everytime, hoping against all hope that these people have bathed in a tub of decency. one day i'll learn, i hope. its hard as hell to deplete their filth off of you. its off to my own tub of decency and love and support to wash away more dirt from this preverbial never ending war, in which i wish and wish and wish to be over.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

familial afflictions.

i am elated to have returned to our nice, CLEAN, quiet abode where i have my wifey, our furbabies, our fishy, my plants, and the rest of our things. i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE going back home where i come from. but i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE coming home to MY home even more so. my time in Florence was riddled with anxiety, restlessness, family drama, and complete exhaustion in every possible aspect.

first thing's first: my mama. she had to have very serious surgery to correct some horrid conditions she had. it most certainly was not life threatening at the time, but the ramifications of the surgery were if proper medical care was not given for her recovery. the surgery initially took only a couple of hours, but it revealed her condition to be worse than expected. one night in ICU was followed by 3 additional nights on a regular room floor. my mommy was in the hospital ON HER BIRTHDAY. i know that sucked balls worse than a crazy old coot pissin on ya living room floor. it was truly heart breaking seeing my mom in writhing pain. what got to me worse than that was seeing her breakdown when my dad left to go buy himself some supper. he left me in the hospital room to look out for mama. my dad is such a great man to her, but there were a few times during her hospital stay i could have knocked him out a time or two.

with the head of the family being hospitalized, it brought MOST of the family issues/drama from simmering nicely under the surface to boiling, scalding hot in your face. it made me realize even more how lucky i am to have a wonderful mom who never gave up on me, and who somehow had enough strength to win me over from the dark side, that was my biological sperm donor and his sad sack of shit family. (one particular cousin excluded, however.) i guess in growing older, i am becoming more and more acutely aware of just exactly how great my mom was and is to me. one thing i did take note of, particularly, was when i saw her lying in her ICU bed, it scared me. as much as i disliked my biological sperm donor, he was my father. MY genetic donor. MY father. and the hard cold fact is, that the son of a bitch is dead. i only have one biological parent left. and seeing my mama like that just scared me down to my core.

i am happy to report that my mom is recovering very well. she is currently at her M-I-L's for her recovery. (if ya ask me, that is no recovery; its damnation. that's an entirely another story for another time, "but i digress,...") she can begin driving again in a lil over a week, she can't pick up anything over 15lbs, and she may be able to begin school when it starts about midway through august. she was upset by the realization that she would be unable to pick up her favorite grand fur baby, jackson. my "miniature" dachshund is a damn porker, weighing in at approximately 18lbs. (that's all solid too, no fat.)

my sister and i were able to meet in the middle and act like civilized human beings once again. apparently teenagers get mighty pissy when you bust them at a party and tell their parents. gee, who'da thunk it?! she and i worked out a schedule that everyone would be pleased with, as far as it went for staying the week with our rockin awesome grandmother. who, by the way, i found one night i was there, cradling, rocking, petting AND singing a LULLABYE to sophia, my baby girl furbaby. i thought my own mama was bad with jackson, our wiener dog!! noooooo, my grandma has her beat by a country mile!!

and lastly, i found this particular picture at my grandma's. yes, yes. here i am being held by my mother, whilst my bio-pop is giving me beer. freaking LOVELY. now i have heard of children tasting a sip of beer, but they were usually CHILDREN or toddlers, at the youngest. here i was, having MAJOR health issues at barely 15 months old, and he's giving me beer. yeah, that's one HELLUVA father, ain't it, yall?! looking at my mother's face, you can easily see the look of disgust for all to see. (okay well maybe except yall, since i have blurred out their eyes to "protect their identities," so certain people wouldn't come bitching to me about it.) i had not even had my open heart surgery tet when this was taken. i was laughing with my wife, telling her this explained EVERYTHING. everything from my issues, to even a haunting foreshadowing of his death.
but alas, my bloggy blog readers, this is all i have for yall today. i do apologize for the break in between posts. hope yall are doing well!!

Friday, July 10, 2009


i have not forgotten about you, my faithful interwebbers. my mommy had surgery and i have been back home to fulfill familial obligations. as will i also be doing next week. i will update as often as i can. so i leave you with july 4th pictures. :-)

Friday, July 3, 2009

life as i know it.

hello, my pretties. this past week has been a fun one. one of my BFFs, "Laverne", and my baby brother, "Wily Cyote," came up for a 3 day, 2 night visit. it was quite nice. we hung out at the pool two days in a row, as you'll see from the following pictures. Wily Cyote had an Evel Knievel moment; he dared to go down the slide on TOP of various floatation devices. yeah. the wife's warning to him was that the hospital was just right down the road. trust me, this is not a threat to my brothers, as they are pro's at ER visits due to their carelessness and/or reckless stupidity. every time Wylie Cyote would attempt to slide down the slide in true Evel Knievel form, i felt a lump rise in my throat and my butt cheeks clench. i suppose the outcome could have been worse, after all, he is an ADD 13 year old preteen who is fearless as hell. the only token of remembrance he received for his dare devil trick was a jammed toe. not too bad, indeed.
the four of us played poker the first night and had a blast. the wife was the first one out, followed by me, then a magnificent show down between Wylie and Laverne ensued. Laverne proved to be the night's victorious winner. my middle child, my wiener fur baby, jackson, had to be right up in the midst of what was going on during our game. he was so cute in Wylie's lap. ever the nosy one, he is never satisfied unless he is literally IN.THE.MIDDLE. of what you're doing. nosy weiner.
and speaking of animals,... i'm putting the finishing touches on my wooden wiener and will unveil it upon its completion. next animal up is a yellow bellied turtle that the wife and i rescued from Fat Man's yard. we re homed it to an excellent water source a few miles away. it had crawled across the highway somehow and had the burns on its underside to prove it. there was even a smidgen of blood. it gave me the sads. but it should be happy in its new home, hopefully. when the wife picked it up off of our tailgate to look at it closer, the damn thing wee'd!! i didn't know turtles had bladders that could hold that amount of pee! seriously. my lil girl, Sophia, in all of her four-ish pounds of her, cannot pee that much!! and the final animal in this bloggy blog entry is a cute wittle bunny. yesterday evening after everyone left, i let the dogs out in the back yard to do their thing. that was when i spotted a bunny literally right AT the fence. i tried my best to get a picture with my phone. its a sucky picture, but it'll have to do, even though you can't really see it. i was quite taken back by house it sat there chomping on grass with the dogs and me so close in its proximity. it was so freakin cool. i love our backyard.

i will be away from this here comfy corner of my interwebs for a good lil while. it looks like i'll be spending roughly a week and a half to two weeks back home in Florence. i have family obligations i must tend to. i don't mind doing them, because i'd do anything in the world for my family. but i must confess; two consecutive weeks at home with... that sordid crew is not something i am looking forward to. i love, love, love going back home. but i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE returning to my QUIET, TRANQUIL, SANE home i share with the wife. it will all be okay. either way, it'll be one hell of an adventure. it could be fun or it could all be one giagantic headache. either way, i guarantee some hilarious stories upon my return to sane civilization.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


hello, my darling adorable interwebbers. fear not; i've not cast you astray. we've had company this week. they left today but i feel like i've been beaten up. seriously. i feel yucky. no two way s about it. not to worry, i have much to post and will do so first chance i get when i feel better.

fyi: when a prescription says to eat food with it, do so, ok? yeah.