Thursday, December 31, 2009

goodbye, 09.

timing. what a funny, funny bitch. she's perfect. perfectly annoying. and oh.em.gee. sarcasticly cynical in every way possible. she has slutty tendencies by screwin you every now and then. (bitch takes the $20 off ya night stand, too.) she does have a secret though,... she's a secret user. she's a profuse sweater with a ginormous b.o. problem. she's just so damn nit-picky about being exactly perfect. if you're late, you sweat. if you're early, you sweat. i'mma kick a bitch in her taco.

me and time haven't seen eye to eye much this year. this year we're both on crazy meds though. maybe we can get along and play nicely this coming year. ring around the rosie, pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes... bitch gonna fall down when i kick her in the taco.

here's to a new year.

Taco bell Pictures, Images and Photos

Saturday, December 26, 2009

my left tit itches.

today marks the anniversary of their deaths. two years, i think. it still seems unbelievable that he's dead. i wonder how long it'll be before he's gone. i let my mom read my story that i began. maybe i'll share some of it with yall. if yall have any interest, that is.

this being single shit sucks fat dick. seriously. but my singledom has given me a greater appreciation for my family this holiday season. especially given the bad news we received. its hard to muster compassion for an embodiment of nastiness, even when you know you need to. i feel better in knowing that i am not alone in feeling that though.

i'm uber looking forward to my mini vacation with cheryl to atlanta to see del shores and his husband on their sordid lives tour.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

my butt STiLL itches.

OMFG. if i could get a tattoo again, i know what i'd be getting:

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

my butt itches.

things have been going much better lately. "Right back in my hometown, with my, There’s old friends and new friends, and even a bear..." okay maybe not a bear, but still, it is nice to reconnect with old friends and new friends galore. i have to admit, though, i do feel guilty for going out and socializing so much when cheryl is sitting home. i know that we are broken up, and that it shouldn't matter but damnit, it just feels weird going through my days and weeks without her there day to day. i went back for a weekend with her. we had a blast but it was bittersweet. the dogs acted as if no time or routine had ever changed.
Doctor Who Pictures, Images and Photos Doctor Who Pictures, Images and Photos
i'm having fun with my friends and family. so thats good. i went to a new doctor here at home and had a horrifical experience. first of all, mind you that i am 27 years old. the new doctor, Dr C, was who i was supposed to have seen and with whom my appointment was made. but the group he's in got it messed up and had me see Dr J. concerned about my anxiety, i spoke with him about my medication. i don't have many options there because of my addictions. he literally got in my face and lectured me on how to manage it. then said he wasn't the doctor who put me on the med i am on, so he couldn't take me off of it.
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i take a deep breath and tell this fucker that i am managing my anxiety in the non-medication ways that he "suggested" and informed him that the doctor who placed me on the med for the anxiety is no longer my doctor because i'm no longer an inpatient there anymore. he sticks to his guns, refusing to change my medication. (what the hell is a general practice doctor for, then?!) then he wants to listen to my heart since i am a cardiac baby. after that, i sit up to jump down off of the table. when i did, he said, "good girl."
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WHAT KIND OF OUTRIGHT GOD FORSAKEN FUCKERY IS THAT BULLSHIT?! seriously. what. the. fuckity. fuck. my BFF, ashes, went with me. evfen she was sittin there hopin and prayin i didn't kick this holier-than-thou man's ass. and believe you me, it was hard as hell not to do so. stupid fuck. he can go the fuck on somewhere with his bushy ass eyebrows that need to be mowed with a lawnmower. ugh.

Monday, November 30, 2009


mah new hair color. (i was sleepy in this pic, was the reason for the eat shit look.)


I present to you, the shrunken headed/lioness mythological creature, post FIRST haircut:

A more normalish looking Sophia that semi-resembles an alien life form.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

breathing again.

things are getting easier. part of me hates that and part of me loves it. i am still sad and hurt; the only difference is, is that i can breathe again. it will truly be okay. i believe that now.

i'm still going stir crazy stuck in the house. the holidays are upon us, so i know it'll be easier soon.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

onward st olaf, onward we go...

i am in my sanctuary, protected by my family. they stand as if they were guarding buckingham palace. as dutifully as they stand, i can't help but to wonder if they are aware of the ongoings behind palace walls. so much chaos, all perfectly aligned. an idiom in itself; the perfect dysfunctional family whose wheels keep turning like a ghetto rigged machine. i find myself knee deep in waters trying to forge my place in this new place. i'm still defying logic by relentlessly remaining stubborn that this is not my home.
my heart is hurting by more than the obvious. friends i thought to be real, was only a mirrored facade. i believed in them with my heart and soul, but to be shafted and cut so cold shows the true nature. old friends from lifetimes ago have reappeared and are helping this transition flow less harsher. its amazing how some friendships stand the test of time, even when you grow up and sometimes apart. its a beautiful thing.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


observation: in a southern, sordid family, its secrets have become the glue that binds its lunacy, loyalty, and love.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


i feel like a carcass that has been gutted. i'm empty inside. i am a hollow shell of myself. i cried myself to sleep last night, and i honestly want to again tonight. she is in charleston, three sheets to the wind, having a grand ol' time, living it up, partying, laughing, and carrying on. i'm at my mother's listening to one of my brothers blow his nose. when will this crippling aching subside? i cannot carry this pain much longer; every breath hurts, every beat of my heart cries for her, every dream yearns for her, for her touch, her caress, her kiss, her love.

i am not coming undone; i am undone. i am nothing. i am not a wife, i am not a partner. i am not me.

i am nothing.

Friday, November 6, 2009

every heart beat hurts.

tonight is a hard night. i am sitting at my new home alone, and she is off living her life. we both need to heal; i am not oblivious to this. but tonight i miss my now ex wife. i miss her terribly. more than anything, i just want to curl up into what was our bed, in our home, with our little fur baby family and go to sleep with the windows open and all of her quilts layered on top of us.

tonight, every tear shed hurts.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

living again.

today was an okay day. i could have kicked my mama's behind from here to the mason-dixon line, though. my mama is keeping certain medicines of mine for me and disperses them to me as they are needed. well, she took the wrong medicines with her this morning, leaving the ones she was supposed to take with her. the thing is, is that one of them she took was my blood pressure medication. not. frikkin. good.
last night i had to go to the ER because i was almost positive that the headache i had was due to extremely high blood pressure. my bp was great, actually, so it was just a migraine/cluster headache. yucky. Cheryl took me to the er and had to talk for me until my headache eased off until i could formulte my words into a coherant sentence. it felt nice having her here for the day. i didn't realize until she was here just exactly how much i missed her. it also was not hard as i thought it would be, seeing her. in fact, it was surprisingly easy. (like your mama.) we've decided to heal ourselves before we even give serious thoughts to a possible reunion. which, i'm okay with. it may or may not happen. but my top priority is working on getting me healed.
for the first time in a long while, i can genuinely say that i am okay.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

knock, knock. who's there? pandora's box.

have you ever reached the point of maximum capacity? the boiling point? have you ever internally (metaphorically, of course) exploded? i have. i'm now officially the poster child for "that crazy girl" in the group of friends you have.
Nurse Joker II Pictures, Images and Photos Explode Pictures, Images and Photos

i'm the girl who now adorns the name tag that says,
"HELLO MY NAME IS: slim shady crazy."

Hello my name is Bella Swan Pictures, Images and Photos Crazy Pictures, Images and Photos
i don't wish to rehash the epic saga of a fairytale gone majorly awry; it still stings too much at the moment. my wife and i of almost five years are no longer. we are separated. will we reunite? i don't know. i do know, however, is that we both need time to heal ourselves. we are in no rush and are plodding along one day at a time. we still love each other with no shadows of doubt lurching around anywhere on that. that's never been the issue. marriage runs on more than love alone. sometimes we get so lost that we forget that and sometimes can't find a way back to where you started. so at 27 years old, i am back with my family; the exact place i need to be to heal myself inside out.
i've been newly diagnosed with severe hypertension, so i am trying to cope with that hurdle as well. i'm once again looking forward t seeing what life brings before me next on the merry-go-round. this experience is definitely not the end of me, no.
Torchwood Explode Pictures, Images and Photos broken... Pictures, Images and Photos

i merely was interrupted by lunacy faith, love, and hope knocking at my door to catch my attention.

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Sunday, November 1, 2009

hope is anew.

a new look, a new start, a new beginnings. girl, interrupted meet atonement, interrupted. onward we go.

Monday, October 19, 2009

let the healing commence, already.

a flurry of emotions has given me virtual frostbite; i feel frozen and just damn numb. things will get better; they have to. my soul, body, heart and mind are jaded. when will the healing begin? i know my love is hurting too. we are both ready for the healing.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

finding forgiveness.

i am a girl with many flaws. my wife will surely agree. one of said flaws is my inability to let go of hurt. i hold onto it as if it were my life preserver in the midst of the Titanic catastrophe. you get to a point in adulthood to where relinquishing hurt is a necessity for survival. question is, what does one do when it is pivotal to do just that and you don't have the tools and mechanisms to do just that? i'm at that place and i don't know what in the hell to do. you'd get better results with al sharpton at an Aryan brotherhood beauty pageant.
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as a little girl, that hurt was the only thing i had to hold onto. it was the only thing i had to cherish to be able to connect with my monster, with my dad. he with held all normal fatherly emotion from me. he was never proud of me, he never doted on me, he never ever said the words every daughter needs to hear. that strips away the vital bonding material that glues every parent-child relationship. when there is no glue to hold that necessary relationship in place, unhealthy emotions take that place. every put down, every jab (towards me, my mom, or my mom's family) cemented the ill emotion of hurt. that fosters itself into an awkward and highly unhealthy relationship. the rippling affects of such an easily preventable tragedy touches every single aspect of that child's life and future. if i let go of the hurt, that was equivalent of letting go of my dad. what child wants to do that?
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the way he could play puppeteer and manipulate the strings to rain down the ultimate guilt trip for wanting to- or even thinking about- letting him go was nothing short of amazing. like the Vatican convincing the masses that contraceptives are the work of the devil. he learned from the master of manipulation how to make things work exactly the way he wanted. what he wanted was to be able to control me from across town without so much as having to make an appearance in my life. is it any wonder that i was perpetually stuck in a conundrum of purgatorial guilt? i learned to feed off of the hurt. its what sustained my relationship with him until he killed himself and his wife. i no longer wish to be crippled by this disadvantage. i wish to grow. how does one find forgiveness to grow? where does it come from within you? how do you grow forgiveness?
nun Pictures, Images and Photos Think for yourself Pictures, Images and Photos
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Monday, October 12, 2009

discontented me.

a shell of my former self;
that is what you see.
these empty smiles are a heavy load;
where is atlas, when need be.
my wet eyes betray me;
for their tears have sought the sea.
a perfectly displayed house of cards is your imagery;
the breath of air robbed from me,
toppled my guard all around me.
through the looking glass you stare;
so pardon me if i converse with the cheshire cat,
but me and alice don't compare.
thrice, i clicked my heels;
still before me are midgets in little green hats.
the margin between sanity and insanity;
chewed through by three blind mice.
back to the land of the living,
back to a reality of pain;
dare i confess,
fiction is best.
but as ol' bill once pondered;
"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon we will mend.
Else the Puck a liar call.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

happy birthday, baby!!

first and foremost: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY!! i love you so much!! things will get better, i promise.
heart in a jar icon Pictures, Images and Photos song Pictures, Images and Photos
apparently the saga of the refridgerator isn't over. just because we finally got the replacement fridge, that's the end of the tale, right? wrong. we got TWO.MORE.FRIKKIN.DOORS. seriously, yall. this brings the total of doors received up to 6. maybe obama needs to have a chat with sears. i mean, if they're wantin to waste money like that, atleast use it for good cause!!
funny Pictures, Images and Photos
i finally listened to the wife and looked up the side effects of cymbalta. and o.m.f.g. the shit fits me. this damn medicine thats supposed to have been helping me has been hurting me!! sooo talking to the doc about that one. i mean i know that i already had the touch of the crazy, but with this medicine, i AM the crazy. its damn crippling and i detest it. enough already!!
Nagging Pictures, Images and Photos
since honey ALREADY WENT TO EAT SUSHI WITHOUT ME today (and YES, honey, THAT is manipulation for a guilt trip...), i don't know what we'll do for sunday, her birthday. i know we've got to get up our halloween decorations though.
Heart Icon Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


back in highschool, our gym teacher would make us do laps around the track by the ballfield. i hated this. i loathed this. i abhorred this. i may have been a little, tiny, 98lb, size 0 young thing (*sigh*) but the fact was, was that i was out.of.shape. i was a true spawn of the 80's; i was a nintendo/super nintendo freak. my generation of gamers defined the worlds of today's world of warcraft freaks. they should pay homeage to us. (whilst it may be true they can kick my ass on their gaming system/PC, i still dare you to find a modern day tweener who's ass i can't stomp at SuperMario World, Super Mario 2 or 3. bring it.)

loser gym- hohuligan Pictures, Images and Photos mario Pictures, Images and Photos

point is, most of my youth and teen summers were spent rescuing princesses. i was not the athletic type. so as i ran those laps around that god-awful, sweat stenched mile of misery, it would kick my ass. i would get these pains in my chest. it'd hurt to breathe and my heart felt like it raced too damn fast for my own good. (any heart beat rate above the rate at which i beat a mario game was unacceptable.) and this was unnacceptable. it was crippling. my throat felt like it was tightening, my chest writhed in pain, my ears pulsated, i was light headed, and it felt like i was on one helluva tilta-whirl ride at the fair. often the dizzying rate of the outside world revolving around me would drop me to my knees.

Toy Story 2- Rescue Party Pictures, Images and Photos Choke a Bitch Pictures, Images and Photos

as an adult, still with a penchant for SNES, i find that in the real world there are princesses in need of rescuing and that life demands you to run laps around things. often times it can seem like you are playing ring around the rosie, not getting anywhere. i have run this track until i have unearthed the next layer of filament, until my feet have bled raw. my chest is tighter than its ever been, even when i had bronchitis. it hurts so bad that i am grasping for air, for that life nutrient. the poisons i let course through me have starved my soul to its present unrecognizable state. the caked-on dirt itches my thighs where i sit on the ground. the smell of the dew on the grass announces the dawn of a new day. its at last time to make a wish on the last star of night before i breathe in the healing rays of anew.
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