Saturday, November 15, 2008

patchwork pieces.

tomorrow is the big day. my mom arrives to help paint our new house. seems unbelievably surreal. i am 26 years old. i have a wife and two dogs. and on top of it all, i'm still my Grandma's girl. try as i may, no matter how hard i dig my feet into the sand, time still washes ashore with the tide. you can't stop the tide.
the tide Pictures, Images and Photos
i like where i am at, in my life. of course, i still want to change a few things. a little tweak here, a little tweak there...but who doesn't want to tweak their life up a little bit? all things that are meant to be, will be eventually. you can't stop the tide.
Fix These Wings Pictures, Images and Photos
i am so thankful for what i have in my life. the people in my life are my
everything. each person that i love has a specific place inside of me; inside my soul. its funny if you think about heart and soul are like a patchwork quilt of everybody i've loved. when i was born, i had a hole in my heart. to repair it, essentially, they patched it up. i was born a patchwork piece. how about that.
October Patchwork Icon 1 Pictures, Images and Photos
i've been looking at books on tonight. like a fiend, i've been making my wishlist. on it, i have books on abusive fathers, grieving for them, memoirs of estranged father-daughter relationships, and of course, books belonging to my favorite genre, southern memoirs/comedies. i am wanting those books on fathers because he has been on my mind lately. i think its because the holidays are imminent. i have also been in contact with his other daughter. i don't really know what to call her. i don't know what title to label her with. and for somebody with a slight tendency towards OCD, thats annoying.
Not Approved Pictures, Images and Photos
she says she finds herself comparing our lives. i think in comparison, our lives are vastly different, yet strikingly similar. how odd that we can be such a classic paradox. but it is what it is. what will be, will be. i am unsure if we will ever be in contact more than we are now. we weren't raised as sisters, so i think the undefined bond between us leaves us hanging in limbo. i believe we both only have good intentions at heart. to overcome all that hate, all of the lies,...would be a miracle of herculean magnitude. i cannot speak for her, but on my side, i feel my part is breaking the cycle. erradicating that anger, that hate for the next generation. i so hate the thought of passing down his DNA to my child. if i could somehow erase that out of my own DNA profile, i'd do it in a heartbeat. the ties that bind are not made of blood, but with love...not hate. hate can restrict. but that's all it can do. it'll only do what you allow it. and now that he is gone, i am not the only one who can breathe a sigh of relief. (i do not speak for J when i say this.)
sigh penguino Pictures, Images and Photos
his weapon of choice was hate. like a python, he used his hatred to suffocate his victims. a slow, painful agonizing death. he took aim at your greatest weakness, and dove in headfirst to assure his victory. he, like the anaconda, is now nothing more than a legendary monster. at least, from my perspective that is. what still saddens me, in the most odd way, is that he hated me as much as he so passionately did- and he didn't even know me. how does one hate their enemy so without knowing them? that isn't very smart if you ask me. seems to me the best strategy is to get to know your enemy inside out, so you could strike with one, simple and delicate blow. it scares me. it scares me that i have the capability to think like that. that i have the potential within me to be as evil as him. who thinks like that? bad people think like that. i mean, its just messed up.
this is so messed up Pictures, Images and Photos
he was all about fluffing up, like a cobra. but killing like the anaconda. that is the coward's way. he just made a mockery of himself for all to see. i laid in wait. i stalked to know his every move. scrutinized him. i knew his actions and reactions to any and everything in this world. then, i let the prey come to me. and there i sat, in the second row at his funeral with my wife in plain sight, for all of his cohorts to see. his disabled dyke daughter in full view of all of his friends. the thing that mattered most- his precious reputation. well, he mucked that up himself, but i... i reaped the rewards by desecrating his memory. and truth be told, i did so quite happily. somewhere in all of this is definately a therapy session or two.
Therapy Pictures, Images and Photos
my sanity, or the remainder of it, that is, was tied down to ground level, to reality by my wife. she tied it up like a boat to a dock. i thank buddha everyday for that. i really don't know where i would be right now, if she hadn't have been there for me. she hung in there. she didn't give up on me. neither did my family and friends. its hard to rip apart a tightly knit patchwork quilt. the ties that bind the quilt together are made of love- the most durable fiber there is. with that- i am stronger than i ever was.
Strong Pictures, Images and Photos Staying strong Pictures, Images and Photos
Boat Pictures, Images and Photos quilt Pictures, Images and Photos
I heart my family Pictures, Images and Photos
I heart my friends Pictures, Images and Photos