Monday, June 16, 2008

tale of two dads.

i chose to put up the juno quote because that was Juno's dad who told her that, and it reminded me of my stepdad. so its in honor of steve. the worl'd #1 worst dad,, well,.... self explanatory.
as we all know, yesterday was the greeting card fabricated holiday, other wise known as, Father's Day. now, i tried to push this out of my mind. as i did not want to think of my dad. i did, however, mail my step dad a Father's Day card a fewdays ago. but, in all my avoidness coping mechanism, i inexplicably forgot to call my step dad yesterday. so at like 8 am today, i sent him a text that read something like, "thank you for being my real dad."
and later on, he sent me a text back that said something to the effect of, "thank you for being my girl." well, actually, he wrote "gir5," but hey. i have a dad that texts. thats pretty cool in itself.
after the funeral, i told steve that i was sorry that i never allowed him to adopt me. i always had this dumb sense of "loyalty" to my dad. i always thought maybe that if i showed him that i didn't want steve to adopt me, that maybe he would see that. and he would see that i loved him. that i wanted him to love me. but he never did.
i think that's why i always had this fantasy that one day, something atrocious would happen to me, where i needed a liver (well, scratch that, because he was an alcoholic).... where i'd need bone marrow, and he'd show up, save my life, and realize what he'd been missing all those years. and now that he's gone, you know, there is a certain panic that has filled the void of that ridiculous child like fantasy.
am i sorry that he is gone? no. he did it to his own dagnabbed self. am i sorry for the loss of that fantasy? yes. it became somewhat of a comfort to me. there should be some sense of loss, when it comes to deaths. and i assume that there is such a sense for sam, and perhaps even jack, herself. i can honestly say that i never thought that their passings would throw such a monkey wrench into my life.
even after all the years of abuse from this man. there was still some part of me that loved him. yearned for his time, affection, and love. but ya know, i got all of that in steve. every damn bit of it. time. attention. affection. love. respect. dignity. trust. in 26 years of my time time on this earth, never once, did i get any of the before mentionables from richard himself.
he was no dad. he was merely a sperm donor. (jointly now, everybody,..... EWWWWWWWWW!!!!) steve is my dad. and has been for 17 years. so, i hold my glass up to him, and say, "cheers, dad."