Friday, August 21, 2009

snip this.

this week has been a busy one, for me that is. school started back. this is the first semester that i've been back since the bastard killed himself and his wife. i actually feel like my head is attached to my body again. i don't feel like a walking target for poisonous and false allegations to them anymore. those that know me, and know me well, know my stance. they know (some of) the suffering and the sheer horror. some have said to me that they could not understand why i went to the visitation & funeral. how, after all was said and done (on both sides, because i am not innocent either), how i could go there in front of their peers. how could i pay respects to this man.

i couldn't answer that for a while but now i know. i didn't pay respects to him; i wanted to make sure the SOB was dead. i felt bad that she died. i still do. she didn't deserve it, especially at his hands. i never wished it upon either of them. i wished every and anything else (but that) upon him. the fact remains as this: i went to the funeral because the little girl inside of me was this man's genetic daughter. it is that little girl who, at three years old, sat in her mama's lap in a pink leotard with a matching tutu, tiara and wand, cried out in pain for her daddy to come home. i cried so hard that i cried myself to sleep. even at that age, i knew enough to know this man didn't want to be my daddy. this was a man who was too embarrassed to take me to get a haircut when my parents were still married. my mom got me all dressed up for him to take me. instead his ego and vanity drove us around and i returned home to my mom without a haircut. if i recall correctly, this is a man who reeked of alcohol as his only child, barely a toddler, had very serious open heart surgery.

it still hurts. my temper still flares. but the tears have stopped. i've had enough. in a few months i'm changing my last name, and if you ask me, it should've been done over twenty years ago. its the last string. and i can't wait to snip that bitch either. "here's a hair cut for ya, daddy. so suck it."

i truly can't wait. i believe it'll give me that last bit of freedom, that last molt; to shed any of his attachment to me. if i could strip half my dna to be rid of his toxicity, i damnit would. i'm doing what should have been done decades ago. one thing i'll never comprehend; if he reputed me so badly, why oppose my mom having 100% full custody, why not relinquish parental rights, why oppose the adoption? amidst all of the anguish, hatred, and spite, i think that is perhaps the most evil thing he did... not letting me go. i just won't ever understand that level of hatred. that level that he and his family feed and breed upon. its beyond me.

...but anyways. changing the subject dramatically... i'm going home friday for the weekend, even though honey disagrees. i hate being home alone. i hate being home alone on weekends. i hate being home alone on weekends without friends or family. even though it wears me out, i absolutely adore spending time with my friends and family. its uber cathartic.

oh and btw yall, i was wrong about the michael jackson thing... apparently, he's still chillin in a freezer. just... nastayyyyyyy. yuck.

i have been too damn slack on it, but i must pick it back up...

GIST #9: I am thankful for my family's unconditional love.

(yes, the picture is like 7 years old.)


StarGazer said...

wow. New visitor here but wow. You're quite a strong little cookie, and you should be proud of yourself. Sending happy thoughts your way!