Tuesday, August 11, 2009

on we go...

its official: i feel like poop. who the hell knows why. but it sucks. thank gawd i stayed home today, because had i been out in public when... an attack... hit me, i'd have looked like a mad woman on the hunt for any halfway functioning toilet in this south carolina humid august heat. fun times!!

i'm headed up to school tomorrow to finalize my class schedule, and get the necessary books and such. i'm nervous about returning to school, but i feel like i'm ready to tackle it again. this will be the first time since the bastard killed himself that i feel okay enough to really give it a good go. i tried to go back twice before, but my anxiety damn near crippled me in trying to do so. i'd be sitting there, trying to take a math class and bam! an anxiety attack out of NOWHERE.

i'd see my wretched aunt informing me that i have my father's chin,... AS WE STOOD IN FRONT OF HIS CASKET LOOKING AT HIM. gee, thanks. that family always knew how to make me feel special. or i'd relive the tee-total humiliation of having the whole god damn town hear that i was disinherited. then living with the further humiliation of having people feel sorry for me. the whole damn thing just sucked. but alas, i am at a place that i am relieved he is gone. i have the rest of my life to live freely from my childhood monster, and that in itself, is THE BIGGEST AND BEST gift he could have ever given me. inheritance or not.

i am fully aware of who my real family is, who my wonderful and true friends are, and how fortunate and blessed i am to have a great spouse who loves me unconditionally. we built our dream house, have a house full of furbaby critters, and in general, a really great life. i am coming to realize that maybe the secret to this whole thing is indeed love. i'm not at a place of forgiving him, by any means; in fact, i'm nowhere near it. but one day, i can and will. and when that day arrives, that's okay. its just not today.