Friday, January 9, 2009


"the only time i see you is when i need antibiotics for these stupid sinus infections," i said, very agitated. talking was hard to do. it was hard to hear if the words were exiting my mouth the way i was thinking them in my head. the relentless static in my head had become deafening, by this point. i'm not sure static is the correct adjective here, though. the best adequate description of the reverberating noise inside the walls of my skull were like that of a washing machine cleaning a full load, with its top open. you know; that whirling, round and round sound? yeah, that's the one. Pictures, Images and Photos bag head Pictures, Images and Photos
he takes a deep sigh and turns his head to my chart, flipping through the pages. "Dr. Daryn Stephans," as i'll call him for bloggosphere purposes, can't be 35, at the maximum. definately the anally retentive, type A, most likely OCD, nerd type of guy. he always has this perpetual look of grimace on his face. i have my theories on this: his wife probably irons and starches his underwear. maybe that's why he always has that strange look on his face, because she put too much starch on it and its digging a hole into his butt cheek. OR, she forgot to starch the pair he has on that day (that he conveniently wears EVERY TIME i see him), so he has the look on his face because he has a wedgy that'd make an elephant cry. OR finally, maybe the old prude just has to fart? i don't know. either way, he gave me my antibiotics and pain killers, then hooked me up with an allergist up in columbia.
nerd Pictures, Images and Photos underwear Pictures, Images and Photos
Doctor Nerd Pictures, Images and Photos Photobucket
the package of instructions that arrived in the mail, from the allergist's office was clear on one very specific thing; NO anti-histamines for 7 days prior to the appointment. jesus. that's denying crack from your neighborhood toothless crack whore. its cruel, is what it is. cruel and unusual punishment. denny crane and alan shore, hello? supreme court, part tres!!
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the day of my appointment rolls around, and somehow by the grace of the stars above, between the anti-biotics and pain meds, it kept any sinus headaches at bay. honey and i get back into the little room they stashed me away in. and in walks the doctor.
okay. stop. you know those people who have perfect teeth? perfectly straight and perfectly white... they glisten with perfection? they dazzle me. seriously. i even once had a teacher who had these teeth, and i could barely pay attention to her lectures, because her teeth mesmerized me. like a damn spell, it had me from hello. anyways, back to my mister allergy doctor. picture this; perfectly combed hair, perfectly pressed outfit, beautiful teeth, and gay man lips. yes i said it; gay man lips. think angelina's lips made for a man. there ya go, folks. that's one of my secret obsessions. gay man lips who have perfect teeth. its like the lips are perfectly fit for the teeth, the way they blanket them, like the waves to the shore.
jolie lips Pictures, Images and Photos
is there any doubt as to why i'm currently in therapy? no. i didn't think so.
back to mister gay doctor man. he said i had to have skin tests run to see exactly what it is that i'm allergic to. after the nurse drew a chart on my back, i felt like my back looked like that connect the dots game. she scratched some stuff onto my back, and honey and i sat there for a few minutes passing both gas and time. then came time to run the skin tests on my arm. HOLY. MARY. MOTHER. OF. GOD. JESUS, WHO ART IN HEAVEN. she made her way around to the back of my arm with her little connect the dots chart, and i swear, the needles going into that arm fat. holy shit does NOT describe my sentiments at that very moment.
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turns out that all of that torture was in vain, as i "only had a slight reaction to dust mites." slight. a slight reaction. let me make you feel what it feels like to be slightly keeled over in throbbing groin pains. slightly.
Bitch, Slightly Pictures, Images and Photos
after that catastrophe has subsided, i get a voice mail stating that mister gay doctor man has found something after re-evaluating my files and needs me to return so he can speak with me. fine, asshole. i'll return.
but bring the needles out, and then you'll see a mister gay doctor man with one less testicle. slightly, that is. just slightly.
sarcasm Pictures, Images and Photos