Monday, January 5, 2009

a fart of relief.

i successfully made it through the first anniversary without coming unglued. i guess i just didn't give myself enough credit. i don't know what i expected to happen. i mean, really.
its like when my Nana died, one year later exactly, i sat at my Mama's kitchen table looking at that clock by the phone, and a few minutes after 6 pm, i sat and waited, waiting for that phone to ring. it was going to ring, and the voice on the other end of the line would magically undo that entire year like a bad nightmare. that voice would say, "hey sarah, its ok. your Nana's back, go on and see her." i sat there, and sat there. and the phone never rang. 7 pm came and went, and not a single, solitary ring. the nightmare was real.
Hamburger Phone Icon Pictures, Images and Photos
that was 1998 and this is 2009. my anticipatory anxiety manifested itself via a dream, where i paid the graveyard boocoo's of money to dig three feet of dirt up above his casket, pour in a foot of concrete, then cover it back up with dirt. today my therapist said that dream was equivalent to a rape victim re-living their nightmare over and over until they begin to heal, and subconsciously, they fight back their attacker. in my case, i was making sure the son of a bitch wasn't coming back. that night, the phone didn't ring, much to my relief. holding your breath for a year is strenuously hard.
christmas came and went. we survived it. the house didn't burn down. no familial fights that shed any blood. although, there were a few that looked to promise it. i spent time with my family mostly, but saw some friends too. my white butt sat promptly down or lied in a bed or on a couch for most of the time. i was sick for crimmus. i jetted back to the oburg for two days for a doctor's appointment, wherein i reacted wonderfully to the antibiotic. i can handle anything when it comes to being sick...but give me a sliver of nausea and thats all she wrote. after the boy and i returned to florence, there were a few couches which i decorated new years eve and day.
by the time i came home to my honey, i was ready. i missed our house, our routine, our bed,....and her, ofcourse! my BFF, ashes, came to see us for the night this weekend. she and i relaxed and talked, nothin strenuous. we decorated some light switch covers that i bought. mosaic glass, to be exact. i felt so knowledgeable showing Ashes how to cut glass. (thanks to my mosaic art teacher that i had!) ours aren't nearly as good as hers, but we sure had fun doing them. i did the third one by myself. it was relaxing. quite cathartic. more and more i feel a gravitational pull towards art. i find myself accumulating so many art things that i'm itching to go ahead and start stock piling them in my art room in the new house.
play that funky music white boy icon Pictures, Images and Photos art Pictures, Images and Photos
Art Icons Pictures, Images and Photos
which, by the way, is coming along quite nicely. honey and pops are in the midst of the cabinet situation. our "painter" (and i use the noun loosely) finished painting my art room. the ceiling in purple and the wall with the window is navy. its funky. i'll paint stars on the ceiling. pops thinks we ruined a perfectly good room. i gave it personality, me thinks.
Personality Pictures, Images and Photos personality icons Pictures, Images and Photos
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i feel okay about things. i really do. i see that inner peace can...and WILL... be achieved by me. my monster is gone. i have a wife, a dysfunctionally amazing family, a litter of semi retarded pets, and the greatest best friends a girl could ask for. i know most importantly, though, that i will be okay. i am okay.