Friday, September 18, 2009

life, it goes on...


i am a taurus. taureans do not like change. in fact, we staunchly abhor it. like oil and water, fire and ice, bill o'reilly and rosie o'donnell, kanye west and taylor swift, michael jackson and children (ooooh, too soon?)... i also have this ever-so-slight "flaw," where i have this irritating obsession to be in control of stuff. it is an incessant character trait that i excersize over the most trivial of junk. i am also stubborn. i am stubborn to a humiliating fault. i have a routine in my life, in our life. it is like that of a human beating heart; any interruption to the consistent beating throws the whole ensemble out of whack.
i tell you these things about me so that i may tell you this: (metaphorically, of course) there was once a girl about week or two ago who had to sneeze, but this particular sneeze she severely misjudged. it was no little wuss sneeze, no, it was a fierce one. (as you know, sneezes stop the heart and come out the same force as the wind speed of a hurricane. therefore sneezes truly do pull a number on your body.) the sneeze that this girl sneezed was bigger than her, for when it came upon her, a cocktail of phlegm and spit spewed forth 100 yards, she whizzed a lil bit on herself, and simultaneously misjudged a fart for a stank shart. this was a nasty sneeze. it contaminated the air around her and threw her balance off whack quite severely. the aftershocks of said sneeze could be felt for days and days to follow.

it hurt her heart, writhed her tummy into knots that were horrendous, had her seeing spots, tightened her chest where she had to gasp for air, played topsy turvy with her equilibrium, and always somehow smelled a whiff of shit where ever she was. this sneeze hurt. and every time her nose got stopped up, her tummy ached all the more in fear of another heart stopping sneeze.
but life goes on and your body eventually heals. right now i'm still aching quite terribly and live in fear of another sneeze that i don't see coming. being blind sighted and scared senseless hurts. my heart hurts. my soul hurts. my meltdown of tears revealed too much vulnerability than i cared to show. moving on and moving forward should never hurt, should never feel like a stake in the heart. there are worse things in life, yes, i'm acutely aware. but there are better things too, this i know. there are ups and downs in everything in life; relationships, gravity, hard-ons, musical notes, wealth, intelligence, grades,... love. and that's all i'll say about that.

today marked twelve years since i lost my angel. this world is truly empty without her. i did get an affirmation from her today, if you believe in that, which i do. a story ran today on AOL that did it for me, that was her means of telling me she's still with me in spirit.
"The choice fell on the late king's niece -- Bartels, who has been working as a secretary at the Ghanaian Embassy in Washington for the past 30 years. She learned about it in a late-night telephone call from a relative, who addressed her as "Nana" -- a title Ghanaians accord people of stature."
i love you, my Nana. thank you for saving me and making me into who i am today.

"...So when you leave me not knowin', where you're goin', I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye. How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me... If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you, If you don't get drunk on my kiss, If you think you can do better than this, then I guess we're done, Let's not drag this on, Consider me gone..."