Thursday, May 22, 2008

Things do not change; we change.

i must beg for your pardon for my posting inadequatecies. life has been 'Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster,' to say the least.
i had to do this self portrait for my therapist, and it wound up being a plain jane kinda lookin figure with a mask covering her face. i wish i had better, more refined artistic abilities. i would've liked to have drawn a mirror with a woman looking into it, but her reflection is a jaded litle girl, adorning a broken princess' tiara.
the truth is ugly. i have come to realize this. its jerry springer/slap yo mama/put the boogeyman outta business kinda ugly. ugly as it may be, its still staring back at you in the mirror.
i am tired of being sad. mad. hurt. disappointed. fermented. morose. moody. and, forgotten. that's the truth. i keep looking outward for my happiness. and time and time again, i fail miserably. although i'm not the neon yellow in the crayola box, i'm definately not the black either. nobody is capable of fixing it, creating it, or finding it. only myself. my happiness, that is.
'its not fair to the people who need me' to let myself nosedive into my head. i can't change the past. i somehow will have to work on that whole thing. its a snowball, you see. its not just one or two issues, rather a whole clusterfuck of them. a miasma of lunacy.
avoidance and denial can make ugly babies. the product of those is/are my hangup(s). i mean, logically, i know i cannot change my past. and logically, i am crystal clear in comprehending the fact that i will NEVER EVER understand why he hated me. i get that much. i get it.
see, here's where the snowball effect fucks it all up: i've gotta re-teach myself that little ditty called self-worth. yea. that thing. nasty little side effect that one is. no warning label on the side of that pill bottle!
my secondary (but not less important by any means) goal is learning to LET GO. as if it weren't painfully apparent, i tend to hang on for dear life to the most idiotic things. its just that little girl with the broken tiara throwing a hissy fit, because she has this insatiable, innate, indescribable NEED to be loved and accepted by everyone she thinks should love and accept her.
however, coming out of my self imposed slumber, i am shaking off the fog and observing my surroundings. i have an amazing wife, whom i absolutely love with all of my being. marriage ain't easy, yall. where's the mothafuckin handbook? did i miss that day in school? (no doubt probably one of the man days i purposefully broke a bracket off of my braces so i'd get out of school early.)
wow. seriously. what's with the add?
back to the wife... there's positively no doubt in my heart that i want to remain in this marriage with her. i don't have some magic crystal ball that reveals my future, so i don't know what the future holds. i know what i want it to hold, and really that is all i can aim for. that is all any of us can aim for, isn't it? i know we both need to work on this whole compromise issue. yea, we're both hard headed as shit when it comes down to it. (although i'm hard headed, sweetheart, and all up for compromising, ya don't have much wiggle room on the whole dog thing.)
i truly get sick to my stomach thinking about my life without her. it just doesn't seem right. she's totally "the cheese to my macaroni." i believe we can make this work. when two people want something bad enough, and they work hard, it'll happen eventually.
with all that being said,... "but i digress," ...we have stupendous changes in our forecast. yay!! for starters, we have been reimbursed by the insurance company for the damages done to our backyard by mr. psycho man. honey has mended our picket fence. its now safe to let the adorable, shitheads outside. (although, the chicken wire is still needed, because our mutts have a slight case of the retard in them.) we're like sex addicts in an adult toy store. we don't know exactly what to do!! secondly, today we officially signed the closing papers on our house. commence the house construction/family arguments/headaches/gripes. seriously. wow. that is super scary. we. are. building. a. house. that's so permenant. "That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet."
(okay, i know. enough with the quotes. but seriously. i'm having add symptoms tonight for realz.)
third point of note, our dogs have yeast infections in their ears. (yummy.) and liz's cat has leaking/oozing cysts on its ass. (yay!!)
fourth point of note, my biological paternal grandmother called my good grandma yesterday looking for me. yeah. not cool. i will be inquiring about perhaps blocking the old bag's number from ever calling my good, crazy, semi-teefless, adorable, slightly insane, loving, charming, FAVORITE grandma. i have made numerous, BLUNT requests/demands that she not call my good grandma. the old hag has my cell number. and if she says she doesn't, well... she's full of shit. actually, she's probably full of cirrhosis. cirrhosis of the liver, head, heart... i could go on, but why? that'd be like being inside a burning building looking for the source of the fire. (and yes, i used that buddhist analogy. and i rocked it too, so suck it.)
and last, but most certainly not least, the biggest change of all, i hope will occur simultaneously with the erection of our new abode. i'll keep that tremendous (and cathardic) change to ourselves, until we get final word from the lawyer.
included are some seemingly random pictures. (except the bathroom shot, ofcourse. it was a hot picture. and even though my wife will surely ass rape me, i'm still putting it up so she can show me off to her little cohorts at work. -i love you, pookie-) you'll see honey and jackson repairing the fence, then you'll see jackson chillaxin in our fantastically trashy $11 plastic pool, and alas, you'll see honey signing the closing papers. yes, changes are in the air.