Monday, May 12, 2008

eliminating monsters.

the mind is a powerful instrument, i have recently discovered. with everything that has been happening recently, apparently i retired to my safe place. i didn't even know that i had withdrawn to that place. its that place in my head where i have four walls surrounding me, like a cacoon, encasing me in a blanket of protection and warmth. my own defense mechanism, my secret safe haven when the world outside is just too much to face. i tend to do this without even knowing it. so when C grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me back into reality, it was indeed a rude awakening. rude, alarming, upsetting, yet necessary.
things between she and i have not been so stable as of late. being stuck in a rut is definately not fun. it gives you that feeling of panic, because you don't know what to do to aleiviate the problem. its kind of like being in the middle of the woods, bogged down in mud with your four wheeler, and no signal on your cell phone. its that same 'oh shit' feeling. i'm not sure what will happen. its crystal clear that we both love each other very much and want to remain together. but we want different things in the long run. i don't understand her position. i try, but i just cannot fathom it. i don't understand how she can hold her stance with as much pain that its causing. i don't resent her, i just don't understand it. this is one of the contributing factors as to why i coiled into my mind. its just easier that way. impractical, but easier. i don't want to lose her because of this. yet i can't purge the calling i have. i'm not going to allow myself to hide any longer. she is too important to me for me to wuss out.
then, there's him. he still doesn't deserve to be grieved for. this world is better off without his toxicity. yet when his birthday rolled around, the little girl cried all over again. in spurts, this time, but nonetheless, she still cried. perhaps i am grieving for the loss of my fantasy of having a daddy, being daddy's little girl. i think that is it, that has to be what i am so sad over. because it damn sure is not over the 'man' who called me a trashy bitch. it is not over the person who was pure evil. never have i shed a tear for him. nor will i ever shed a tear for that monster. when i was little, that's what i was scared of. when the lights were off, i was scared of the boogeyman. the only difference between my boogeyman and my friends' boogeyman, was that mine was my dad.
monsters are evil. they suck you in with their deceptions, build you up, and then savagely rape and murder you. they have no remorse, they could care less that you are knocked down on your butt grasping for air and holding your bleeding barely beating heart in your hand. all they see is an achievement, another notch on their belt, something to boast about. they laugh. they laugh at your misery. and it is just that which they feed upon, your misery is their nourishment, which keeps them alive. people like that deserve what they get, and believe me, karma always gets them. she gets them tenfold.
i am knocked down on my butt, my face covered in dirt and my clothes caked with mud. the cold wind is stinging my gaping, bleeding wounds. but i'm alive. i'm weak, but i'm alive, damnit. the monster couldn't take me out. and WON'T. i'm going to get strong again. stronger than i ever was. and that little girl that is hiding, terrified of the boogeyman, will come out with her head held high, and looking forward to life. i will NOT be knocked down for long. i am in pain, i am breathless, crushed, and aching. but i am not done for.
wobbly are my first few steps coming out of my head. but that's okay. what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. and after what i have endured, i will be able to go ninja on these monsters' asses. its my time. no more bullying, no more torturing, no more middle school drama, no more deception, no more fear, and no more bullshit.
i believe in me; i believe i will be just fine. and that's all that matters.