Tuesday, May 6, 2008

breath 'n believe.

this has been a hellacious week, to say the least.
psycho's aggravating our life big time.
so get this.
thursday, about 15 minutes into what looked to be a particularly good CSI,
some suicidal dumbass takes out our backyard.
car caught fire.
tried to run away.
umpteen dozen pigs,
4 or 5 firetrucks,
and the whole damn community ALL crowded into our now defunct backyard.
i know there were EASILY 50 people there.
by the grace of the goddess,
this fool is fully covered by state farm.
and those bastards better get here to survey the damage because having our yard look like some jerry springer past guest's yard is NOT cool.
not cool.

i got SUPER excited giving anna her baby presents.
(although, Honey DID have to put the brakes on how MUCH we bought her, lol.
what can i say?
i got a lil too excited about it!!)
baby noah is absolutely beautiful.
anna is beautiful.
she looks so fulfilled being a mommy.
i admit,
i am jealous of that.
that look she had,
that aura about her.
lucky and blessed, she is.

when i sat there and held Noah,
it was like a got that minute i've been asking the world for.
just a minute to take a breath,
to get my footing.
i mean,
i still have my issues goin on,
but i atleast got to catch my breath.
and truthfully,
it tops seeing even Reba & Kelly.

my therapist says she's going to teach me what to do with my anger.
she says i must feel it.
well, i don't want to feel it.
i associate anger with asshole.
and my entire life i have been freakishly paranoid that i'll have any similarities with him.
and this anger shit,
is just that.
i don't like it.
it does nothing good for me.
kind of like math.
it serves me no purpose and i find it annoyingly intrusive in my life.
i also told her about how i automatically scan any place i enter in florence
to check to see if dad is there.
she says that's normal
and compared it to the vietnam vets coming home and still scanning crowds looking for bad guys with grenades.
ptsd, she says.
she even compared it to the trauma of rape,
except ofcourse,
mentally and emotionally.
she has given me the toughest assignment yet;
to figure out what it is EXACTLY that i am mad about.
because we often get mad when we are frustrated and we try to relive the situation to change the outcome of it.
so i have to face exactly what it is that i am stuck on,
what it is that i am hanging onto.
what it is that i am mad about.

what it all boils down to is this,
i have to learn to let go instead of hanging on for dear life.

bnb, rosie says.