Saturday, September 13, 2008

insights into the miasmatic chaos that is me.

Synergy (from the Greek syn-ergo, συνεργός meaning working together) is the term used to describe a situation where the final outcome of a system is greater than the sum of its parts.

as a taurus, i am a bit complicated. kelly clarkson sings, "I'm strong
But I break, I'm stubborn, And I make plenty of mistakes, Yeah I'm hard, And life with me is never easy, To figure out, to love, I'm jaded but oh so lovely, All you have to do is hold me,...I'm confusing as hell, I'm north and south, And I'll probably never have it all figured out...I don't want to be tough, And I don't want to be proud, I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found, I'm not lost, I need to be loved, I just need to be loved, I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe..."
that's so me, right there. i mean, it REALLY is.

i can sit for hours and write beautiful stories of love, loss, heart break, lust, anger, sadness, forgiveness, redemption, holding grudges, and everything in between. i can write words that flow as easy as water, that are more crystal clear than the best diamonds in the world, and poetry that even hemmingway would be at a loss of words for. i can do all that. i can make you into the most beautiful angel that has ever graced this earth, more powerful, accomplished, and wealthy than all the royalty in this world. or i can make you feel like an ameba, like you are so down and below this world that not even the devil would take you into his kingdom. he would spat you out as if you had bathed in holy water. and God, he wouldn't even let you look at those pearly gates of heaven, because just by the mere action of your eyes setting sight on them would desecrate them into malignant garbage. i have the ability to do all of that.

but pick a fight with me on the grounds on my affinity for my love and i turn stone cold. Michelangelo's David could speak more louder than i. i have these feelings inside of me, buried away, that have no labels. they are like colors. well, maybe orbs of colors. those are my feelings. they aren't organized by varying shades of emotions. there is no ticking sound of the label maker to perfectly label them. all i know is what colors i like, what colors i don't, which ones feel good, which ones i'm 'allergic' to, which ones irritate me, and which ones i can't stand the sight of. (oh my god. i sound like an autistic child. maybe that's what's wrong with me!!)

for example: my biological sperm donor and my paternal grandmother are both black as coal. that is what i see/saw around them. i tried to turn the coal into that of a diamond, but failed miserably. very miserably. my mom, now she's a tricky one. rather than any color, she vascillates between luke warm and almost too hot to touch. my maternal grandma is all purple. she's the perfect purple. it gets no better than that. when i'm with her, that purple transcends into my being and lights me up from within. liz, she's purple too, but perhaps a lighter shade. she can get on my nerves sometimes, but i suppose that, that is the norm for best friends and sisters alike. so that is, all on its own, perfect as is.

my aunt B, she's,...well, she's like a mood ring that's so old that it only shows one or two colors; dark dark blue and dark dark red. kinda like its either almost black, or almost blood red. i kinda have to sorta (metaphorically speaking, ofcourse) spit on the ring, whenever i get around her. if it doesn't sizzle, its cool to approach. if it sizzles, haul ass the other way. despite her two colors being so damn dark, the difference between the dark dark blue/dark dark red, versus the blacks... aunt B is a permenate fixture of love. and i am fully aware of that. in turn, that is why those two are black.... they lack love.

but my orb that i have dedicated to my love. that is guarded, lock, stock, and barrel. it is a mystery, even unto me. that one resembles the good witch of the east's bubble. that is about as close as i can get to a description. i can't disect it, and answer the why's. it simply is beyond my grasp. however, what i do know, is that i am like that of a lioness, guarding her pride. do not test me, for i will leave you scarred.

i think that when i accumulate all of these varying colors, squish them all together, that it becomes a klaliediscope of colors that is my soul. right now, too many dark colors are blurring my sight. but give me a while to land on my feet, and soon purple will be emenating out of my ass. my farts will be purple.

if you're still reading this, kudos. here are some taurean facts. see if it gives you a better understanding about moi:

*A taurean inner spiritual sense longs for earthly harmony and wholesomeness. When they fully understand this, and work toward this end, they will no longer need to blindly reassure themselves with external possessions and comforts. A realization that finding this inner peace will cause all of the above mentioned positive things will overtake them and their life will be very full.

Being Attracted
Things Natural
Time to Ponder
Comfort and Pleasure

Being pushed too hard
Synthetic or "man made" things
Being rushed
Being indoors

*Taurean Problems & Solutions*

PROBLEM: Physical things start loosing their appeal, and you feel more and more out of touch with the world around you. You stop caring so much about how much money you have among other physical concerns.
SOLUTION: You are starting to discover an inner harmony that is trying to replace the physical with spiritual. You must let this grow without killing the part of you that provides sustenance for your family.

PROBLEM: Unexplained fear of loss, jealousy and a paranoia that others are out to get you.
SOLUTION: You have within you the ability to not only attract faithfulness, but also the intellect to see what is truly going on around you. You are loosing faith in both of these personal traits. Rebuild that faith.

PROBLEM: Feeling depressed with life. Disgusted and dissatisfied. People around you are little comfort. You feel that life lacks meaning. Easily addicted to physical pleasures.
SOLUTION: Revisit and realize the value of spiritual things in life. Take control of your life by realizing it is not the things in life that are important, but the spirit behind it all.