Tuesday, December 9, 2008


changes. their uncomfortable. especially when you are raw emotionally. and right now, i am just that. never did i think that such seemingly stable things would be called into question. it hurts. quite badly, at that.
perhaps this is karma returning the favor of the pain which i have caused. i can only surmise that, because nothing else makes sense. what it feels like, is a slowly dripping bleeding cut. i see it in slow motion, but am powerless to stop it.
right now, it'd be so easy to believe in a god that may or may not exist. to blindly succumb to an almighty power to take over all of the responsibility. to pray would be so easy. but to whom? perhaps i'll sit outside tonight and wish on all of the stars until i run out or fall asleep.
i am not shutting down. but i am tired. not of us. just in general...tired. this year has almost been too much. too much has been stirred up and unsettled. ghosts of christmas past (VERY appropriate) have haunted me long enough. i just need to heal. that's all. i need time, without ANYTHING else becoming unsettled, to heal. to recharge my battery.
as hurt as i am and as tired as i am, my tenacity has yet to waiver, when it comes to straightening the destruction of 2008. many many many wonderful things have come my way, for which i am unboundingly grateful for...but the emotional hardships have taken its toll.
learning to live freely and not in fear has been challenging enough, knowing i can turn my lamp off at night is still unnerving, and not shitting a gold brick at every fancy vehicle that passes me in Florence is still HARD. knowing that i am hurting hurts her, hurts me even more. (if that makes sense.) there is a middle way, as the buddhist say. it is now what i seek. a path to enlightenment,....because i damn sure need it.