goodbye, 09.

timing. what a funny, funny bitch. she's perfect. perfectly annoying. and oh.em.gee. sarcasticly cynical in every way possible. she has slutty tendencies by screwin you every now and then. (bitch takes the $20 off ya night stand, too.) she does have a secret though,... she's a secret user. she's a profuse sweater with a ginormous b.o. problem. she's just so damn nit-picky about being exactly perfect. if you're late, you sweat. if you're early, you sweat. i'mma kick a bitch in her taco.

me and time haven't seen eye to eye much this year. this year we're both on crazy meds though. maybe we can get along and play nicely this coming year. ring around the rosie, pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes... bitch gonna fall down when i kick her in the taco.

here's to a new year.

my left tit itches.

today marks the anniversary of their deaths. two years, i think. it still seems unbelievable that he's dead. i wonder how long it'll be before he's gone. i let my mom read my story that i began. maybe i'll share some of it with yall. if yall have any interest, that is.

this being single shit sucks fat dick. seriously. but my singledom has given me a greater appreciation for my family this holiday season. especially given the bad news we received. its hard to muster compassion for an embodiment of nastiness, even when you know you need to. i feel better in knowing that i am not alone in feeling that though.

i'm uber looking forward to my mini vacation with cheryl to atlanta to see del shores and his husband on their sordid lives tour.

my butt STiLL itches.

OMFG. if i could get a tattoo again, i know what i'd be getting:

http://ugliesttattoos.com/2009/11/19/funny-tattoos-you-would-see-the-biggest-gift-would-be-from-me/

my butt itches.

things have been going much better lately. "Right back in my hometown, with my ...family, There’s old friends and new friends, and even a bear..." okay maybe not a bear, but still, it is nice to reconnect with old friends and new friends galore. i have to admit, though, i do feel guilty for going out and socializing so much when cheryl is sitting home. i know that we are broken up, and that it shouldn't matter but damnit, it just feels weird going through my days and weeks without her there day to day. i went back for a weekend with her. we had a blast but it was bittersweet. the dogs acted as if no time or routine had ever changed.

i'm having fun with my friends and family. so thats good. i went to a new doctor here at home and had a horrifical experience. first of all, mind you that i am 27 years old. the new doctor, Dr C, was who i was supposed to have seen and with whom my appointment was made. but the group he's in got it messed up and had me see Dr J. concerned about my anxiety, i spoke with him about my medication. i don't have many options there because of my addictions. he literally got in my face and lectured me on how to manage it. then said he wasn't the doctor who put me on the med i am on, so he couldn't take me off of it.

i take a deep breath and tell this fucker that i am managing my anxiety in the non-medication ways that he "suggested" and informed him that the doctor who placed me on the med for the anxiety is no longer my doctor because i'm no longer an inpatient there anymore. he sticks to his guns, refusing to change my medication. (what the hell is a general practice doctor for, then?!) then he wants to listen to my heart since i am a cardiac baby. after that, i sit up to jump down off of the table. when i did, he said, "good girl."

WHAT KIND OF OUTRIGHT GOD FORSAKEN FUCKERY IS THAT BULLSHIT?! seriously. what. the. fuckity. fuck. my BFF, ashes, went with me. evfen she was sittin there hopin and prayin i didn't kick this holier-than-thou man's ass. and believe you me, it was hard as hell not to do so. stupid fuck. he can go the fuck on somewhere with his bushy ass eyebrows that need to be mowed with a lawnmower. ugh.

pictures.

mah new hair color. (i was sleepy in this pic, was the reason for the eat shit look.)



Mine.


I present to you, the shrunken headed/lioness mythological creature, post FIRST haircut:


A more normalish looking Sophia that semi-resembles an alien life form.

breathing again.

things are getting easier. part of me hates that and part of me loves it. i am still sad and hurt; the only difference is, is that i can breathe again. it will truly be okay. i believe that now.

i'm still going stir crazy stuck in the house. the holidays are upon us, so i know it'll be easier soon.

onward st olaf, onward we go...

i am in my sanctuary, protected by my family. they stand as if they were guarding buckingham palace. as dutifully as they stand, i can't help but to wonder if they are aware of the ongoings behind palace walls. so much chaos, all perfectly aligned. an idiom in itself; the perfect dysfunctional family whose wheels keep turning like a ghetto rigged machine. i find myself knee deep in waters trying to forge my place in this new place. i'm still defying logic by relentlessly remaining stubborn that this is not my home.
my heart is hurting by more than the obvious. friends i thought to be real, was only a mirrored facade. i believed in them with my heart and soul, but to be shafted and cut so cold shows the true nature. old friends from lifetimes ago have reappeared and are helping this transition flow less harsher. its amazing how some friendships stand the test of time, even when you grow up and sometimes apart. its a beautiful thing.