ok i'm going to bite the bullet and say what i really wanted to say in that last entry. that was nothing more than a fluffer piece that was shotty at best. it was recently told to me that when i write pieces that refer to my memories concerning my biological father, that i am seeking attention and trying to manipulate people into feeling sorry for me. i have been stewing on that mouthful for a few days. i have finally formulated my response to that incredibly gauche accusation.
when i write out my memories, my feelings, my thoughts, my theories on all things in connection with the Evil Faux Czar, i am not writing them to attract attention. i am writing them to purge the poison from my being, from my soul. i could care less if it attracted attention. i am not purging for that reason; i am doing so to expedite the healing process. and as far as my revealing my thoughts and etc. to evoke people feeling sorry for me,... well that is just a mere joke right there. seriously. people are laughing, alright. but not at me. they are laughing at his expense, not mine. they are laughing at his behavior and his actions. i do not need or want to try and even think, let alone actually do, about making people feel sorry for me. the truth speaks for itself. therefore, i could care less. and if they are aware of the truth, then they know everything. everything from the reason behind the reason my mom divorced him, to the reason i stopped my visitations with him, and even the reason behind my stupid mistakes as a teenager that had to do with him. they know the true reason he died, and the reason i was disinherited. the truth is a funny thing. in this instance anyways. it vindicates and exposes everything.
i was far from innocent as a teenager with my time with him. i made my careless and highly irresponsible mistakes. i am adult enough to admit it. i hurt my mom and that side of the family. and for that i shall forever carry a sense of shame and guilt. but as with real families, we've moved on and grown from it. i asked for forgiveness from my mom and from God. someday maybe i can forgive myself. i accept responsibility for my actions. however, i refuse to accept responsibility for his behavior. what continues to baffle me, and always will, is that when somebody dies, people automatically sanctify them and recall them as saints during their living life. that is stupidity in its finest form. i am not doing the opposite either, i am not vilifying him. i am speaking hard, cold truths. nothing more, nothing less. people who sanctify those who are departed are delusional, in my opinion. romanticizing a departed's walking life is one's own disguise of shame or guilt. maybe something else; i don't know. i'm not in that position, so i am in no place to speak of what emotion that it is. i am merely hypothesizing. if i appear cold, i am not. you see, i mourned the loss of MY daddy over twenty years ago.
the man who died and carelessly took his wife with him was a stranger to me. herein lies the irony; he was a stranger whom i knew all too well. i may not have been an active participant in his everyday life, but i knew how he worked from the inside out. i am a product of HIS dna. unfortunately his blood courses through my veins. court papers legalize things, but when you get down to it, his blood coursing through everyone's veins cannot be said for all involved. i knew what made him tick; what set him off; his addictions, his ghosts, his nightmares, and even the reminiscence of what infinitesimal bit of good he once had within him from eons ago.
i do not wish to carry forth any sort of relationship with the person who made me highly defamatory and flat out false allegations against me. i have said before that i wish her the best and i still do. i just have no room in my life for such fallacy. that belongs on that side of the family. which, by the way, ARE my family too. they are my family genetically and nothing more. my real and true family is who i have in my daily life currently. that is where you will find forgiveness, incessant love, compassion, and empathy. so i say to you, to make all the allegations you want against me, recall him and her in the utmost illusional recollections possible. but there is one thing remaining amidst all of the mud and muck; the truth. it is there that i find my freedom.
