let the healing commence, already.

a flurry of emotions has given me virtual frostbite; i feel frozen and just damn numb. things will get better; they have to. my soul, body, heart and mind are jaded. when will the healing begin? i know my love is hurting too. we are both ready for the healing.

naked.

i am sick and i am scared. i don't know what will happen and it sickens me to my tummy. i try to talk reason into my psyche by saying, "Sarah, you have anxiety issues. With anxiety comes the feeling of impending doom. Its ok, take a deep breath."
i say it and logically i see its true, but it seems like i am in the death grip of fear. fear is the spider that is cacooning me. concentrate on my school work, i think. if i can just do that and get through this semester passing all of my classes, i can do it.
i have these feelings i cannot further explain. she says they make no sense; have no basis. maybe thats how she sees it. but not for me. she says its all in my head, and maybe it is, i don't know. but i absolutely loathe being told that things are all in my head. it makes me feel powerless and unstable. characters from many chapters ago did the same to me, fostering an insecure sense of self. it helped create a girl who truly believed that she wasn't worthy of love. i have fought from the pits of hell (that i chained myself into) to undo that line of thinking and feeling. so to have her, my equal, throw those unintending barbs at me hurt. i know what i feel, i know why i feel it, and just because you can't see my perspective doesn't discredit me.
i am my own self, you are your own self. you are my equal; not my lesser, not my greater. when i expressed myself, you threw as many barbs as you could at me, to try and discredit my emotions. understandably you were defensive. some of the things you said took my breath away. like the Dementors tried to take Harry's soul. visually thats how it felt when you said that.
i am not perfect, i have made an ass load of mistakes. i have corrected my actions and still am actively correcting some behaviors. its all a learning process. there is no finish line and grand prize for learning to give and take. no confetti, no balloons. merely silent victories. i have come far from where i was when we met, and i still have a ways to go. i may not agree with you on things and i may be pissed, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, unappreciated, loved, happy, blissful, exuberent...
one thing i have never done or will do is discredit you as a person. that is who i fell in love with, who i married, and who i am with. that is an injustice. i am trying hard as i can to move on from this, to leave it be. and honestly i simply keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation on the subject. every couple known to mankind has its ups and downs. i am eagerly looking forward to climbing up this hill with my equal, my wife, my partner. i do so love you.




Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you

faith in love.

to say things have been a little tense around here is an understatement. that's okay though. everything in life has its ups and downs. every relationship has a rough patch here and there every now and then. while its true that sometimes love just isn't enough in a relationship, love IS enough to comfort and sustain you through these rough patches. i don't have faith in a lot of things, being the ever quirky, mistrustful pessimist that i am, but i do have faith in love. and right now, that love is acting as the bridge to "cross over troubled waters."










i have been sick for about the past two weeks; i just can't seem to shake this damn thing. i have been to the doctor, had a round of antibiotics, a round of cough syrup, and tested negative for the H1N1 (swine) flu. i don't know whats wrong with me. but i feel uber yucky.




honey pot mowed the grass this week and our furbabies watched her. it was so cute. i realized that harley and sophia's ears are almost identical in the way they hold them; like chihuahua brother, like chihuahua sister. sophia seems to have discovered that she can pick on lizards, since they are just her size. so far she's tortured two. bush's water boarding doesn't have shit on sophia's torture attacks!!

life, it goes on...

***EDITORIAL NOTE: THIS POST WAS MEANT TO BE POSTED ON 9/18/09***

i am a taurus. taureans do not like change. in fact, we staunchly abhor it. like oil and water, fire and ice, bill o'reilly and rosie o'donnell, kanye west and taylor swift, michael jackson and children (ooooh, too soon?)... i also have this ever-so-slight "flaw," where i have this irritating obsession to be in control of stuff. it is an incessant character trait that i excersize over the most trivial of junk. i am also stubborn. i am stubborn to a humiliating fault. i have a routine in my life, in our life. it is like that of a human beating heart; any interruption to the consistent beating throws the whole ensemble out of whack.
i tell you these things about me so that i may tell you this: (metaphorically, of course) there was once a girl about week or two ago who had to sneeze, but this particular sneeze she severely misjudged. it was no little wuss sneeze, no, it was a fierce one. (as you know, sneezes stop the heart and come out the same force as the wind speed of a hurricane. therefore sneezes truly do pull a number on your body.) the sneeze that this girl sneezed was bigger than her, for when it came upon her, a cocktail of phlegm and spit spewed forth 100 yards, she whizzed a lil bit on herself, and simultaneously misjudged a fart for a stank shart. this was a nasty sneeze. it contaminated the air around her and threw her balance off whack quite severely. the aftershocks of said sneeze could be felt for days and days to follow.

it hurt her heart, writhed her tummy into knots that were horrendous, had her seeing spots, tightened her chest where she had to gasp for air, played topsy turvy with her equilibrium, and always somehow smelled a whiff of shit where ever she was. this sneeze hurt. and every time her nose got stopped up, her tummy ached all the more in fear of another heart stopping sneeze.
but life goes on and your body eventually heals. right now i'm still aching quite terribly and live in fear of another sneeze that i don't see coming. being blind sighted and scared senseless hurts. my heart hurts. my soul hurts. my meltdown of tears revealed too much vulnerability than i cared to show. moving on and moving forward should never hurt, should never feel like a stake in the heart. there are worse things in life, yes, i'm acutely aware. but there are better things too, this i know. there are ups and downs in everything in life; relationships, gravity, hard-ons, musical notes, wealth, intelligence, grades,... love. and that's all i'll say about that.

today marked twelve years since i lost my angel. this world is truly empty without her. i did get an affirmation from her today, if you believe in that, which i do. a story ran today on AOL that did it for me, that was her means of telling me she's still with me in spirit.
"The choice fell on the late king's niece -- Bartels, who has been working as a secretary at the Ghanaian Embassy in Washington for the past 30 years. She learned about it in a late-night telephone call from a relative, who addressed her as "Nana" -- a title Ghanaians accord people of stature."
i love you, my Nana. thank you for saving me and making me into who i am today.


"...So when you leave me not knowin', where you're goin', I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye. How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me... If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you, If you don't get drunk on my kiss, If you think you can do better than this, then I guess we're done, Let's not drag this on, Consider me gone..."

timeout...

i'm taking a timeout from my usual humor to be serious for a moment. my friend is in the beginning stages of a separation from her husband. its hard watching it all go down. i fight the urge to fight her battles for her. its not that i believe she is incapable or incompetent, no. i can't stand watching the douchebaggery. and not on her part either. there is stupid and then there's genetically altered- dumb as dog shit- kind of stupid. woof.


he asked her tonight who was influencing her, no doubt emphatically implying me. she of course said nobody. he believes what he believes, however obscure his vision is. she..., she knows how she feels inside. whether or not she can verbalize the how or why's of her feelings doesn't matter. she feels what she feels. for him to disagree and get indignant, bothered, or insecure because she feels the way she does speaks volumes of himself. everybody is entitled to their OWN feelings, justified in their partner's eyes or not. for example, if you feel bitchy today, that's how YOU feel. if your partner cannot accept the why's or how's of your bitchiness, then a wrong has occurred. however much your significant other disagrees, it is their duty to be empathetic. but only that. they can disagree and be empathetic.

relationships of all nature have their ups and downs. any couple who pretend to have a perfect relationship can suck my dick, 'cus that shit just ain't true. that's silliness is what it is. people hurt each other in relationships. it happens. be it romantic or platonic, shit happens. its the strong relationships that are bonded by forgiveness and turn with the tides. we hurt the ones we love at some time or another. the wise look back to see their mistakes and look ahead to avert their behaviors. its the deaf, dumb,and blind who are the fools who keep making the same mistakes repeatedly expecting a different outcome. you can paint lipstick on a pig, but its still a pig. he was given warnings by many. her years spent crying are replaced by the sounds of the douche's alligator tears trying to drown her.

my advice to my BFF? and i mean this oh so lovingly,... SWIM BITCH, SWIM!!

early morning ramblings.

raw emotions cause waves in the water. with every splash against the raw walls within me, it stings like salty water to a gaping wound. somewhere in the midst of it all, i am all too aware that though the salt water stings and burns beyond comprehension, it is healing. there goes that duality thing, again; that which causes pain, heals us within.
a firm no now downgraded to a reconsideration. the walls must be bulldozed. a work in progress; life on semi-probation. limbo. resentment now morphed into hope. hope of what may come. hope was the only thing remaining inside pandora's box.
she said that she was unaware how paralyzed he made me. seems to me an obvious impairment, but to her...not so much. "what you fear is what you become," states the adage. i vehemently disagree. i do believe, however, that fear has the insurmountable strength to paralyze one's self. when that occurs, we become exquisite masons by building impenetrable walls around ourselves. self preservation. to some extent, it is necessary for survival. for example, when one is the victim of abuse. but when we construct these barricades of protection, we often block out what is needed to live.
living life is not being alive. the act of merely being alive is existing. and that is no life is live. the thing i have come to ascertain is, when living life we come to see that dreams that we reach for aren't exactly what life has planned for you. sometimes wishing or dreaming for something is just the tip of the ice burg. we wind up getting more than we wished for, then we see that it makes us happier than we ever thought possible. a perfect example, my meeting Reba twice. and not only meeting her the second time, but also meeting kelly clarkson.
life is scary. hard. up. down. steady. unstable. backwards. agonizing pain. blissful delight. but it is life. and living life is worth every second of every possible emotion. robotically passing through this world with walls built so high around you, to where you cannot see whats around you is only cheating your own self.


on a different subject, tonight we had dinner for the family of the man who passed away, that C knows. the daughter and son of the man was here tonight. they sat around talking of lawyers, wills, headstones, and what a great man their daddy was. where my heart ached for their loss, it stung me as well. thats what good daddies are supposed to do; care for their offspring. i stayed subdued and quiet throughout the evening, as i really didn't know any of these folks. i just played the role of the wife, who smiled, and kept a watchful eye out for the doggies. aye. our doggies are the bestest ever. (of course i'm a teeny tiny bit biased on that judgement.)
i'm off to home for the holiday. my old buddies will keep me occupied. maybe we'll head out to the HRS haunted house. plenty of old friends and memories there!! i hope that any readers who actually read this thing take extra precaution on the roads, starting with being SOBER when driving. anyways, i'm out like clay gayken.