finding forgiveness.

i am a girl with many flaws. my wife will surely agree. one of said flaws is my inability to let go of hurt. i hold onto it as if it were my life preserver in the midst of the Titanic catastrophe. you get to a point in adulthood to where relinquishing hurt is a necessity for survival. question is, what does one do when it is pivotal to do just that and you don't have the tools and mechanisms to do just that? i'm at that place and i don't know what in the hell to do. you'd get better results with al sharpton at an Aryan brotherhood beauty pageant.

as a little girl, that hurt was the only thing i had to hold onto. it was the only thing i had to cherish to be able to connect with my monster, with my dad. he with held all normal fatherly emotion from me. he was never proud of me, he never doted on me, he never ever said the words every daughter needs to hear. that strips away the vital bonding material that glues every parent-child relationship. when there is no glue to hold that necessary relationship in place, unhealthy emotions take that place. every put down, every jab (towards me, my mom, or my mom's family) cemented the ill emotion of hurt. that fosters itself into an awkward and highly unhealthy relationship. the rippling affects of such an easily preventable tragedy touches every single aspect of that child's life and future. if i let go of the hurt, that was equivalent of letting go of my dad. what child wants to do that?

the way he could play puppeteer and manipulate the strings to rain down the ultimate guilt trip for wanting to- or even thinking about- letting him go was nothing short of amazing. like the Vatican convincing the masses that contraceptives are the work of the devil. he learned from the master of manipulation how to make things work exactly the way he wanted. what he wanted was to be able to control me from across town without so much as having to make an appearance in my life. is it any wonder that i was perpetually stuck in a conundrum of purgatorial guilt? i learned to feed off of the hurt. its what sustained my relationship with him until he killed himself and his wife. i no longer wish to be crippled by this disadvantage. i wish to grow. how does one find forgiveness to grow? where does it come from within you? how do you grow forgiveness?

snarky lil sprites.

throughout my life many people have come and gone, influencing my soul in insurmountable ways. i shall call them sprites, because they fly in and out my life, make it all magical, cause mischief, and all that fun and mean stuff that sprites are known for. these various sprites have flown in throughout my life, creating a hard tale to read. but it is a tale full of color, wonder, and pain all of which are not make believe.

some of these sprites have different colored glows; some bright and sparkly whilst others are dark and dreary. but i have found that with my age, i find more treasures along the path in this magical forest i call my life. the treasure i have most recently found is that of understanding. true understanding. with this gift from these sprites, i am also finding another gift; a void. a space painted full of anger that is quickly dissipating. a void has never been so beautiful.

when i lie down "on a pillow of bluebonnets, in a blanket made of stars," i dream dreams that i am an artist. it may be merely a fanciful dream, but its a silly one i dare to court. so when i see any voids, it is my urge to fill it with something. but this, this patch of nothingness,... is beautiful. it is a beautiful work of art i dare not try to tweak, as it is perfectly imperfect.

there are times in my journey through the magic forest that i tend to get too cocky, i tend to forget previous life lessons that i've learned. the universe calls upon the fate deity, to remind me. to remind me of not repeating any mistakes. or to remind me of other things long gone by. that is when little sprites fly my way. they usually fly in front of my face like a nagging house fly i have to swat out of aggravation. but it is only for my own good. sometimes the gods and goddesses up there on mount Olympus must send down some help to protect the princess. :-)

tonight they did just that; a dark sprite was sent my way. this particular sprite's own journey through his dark forest has been intertwined with mine for years at a time. our paths were dark together, but were brightened with the separation. it was a painful split but a necessary one. forgiveness was a treasure box i found with this sprite's name on it a couple of moons ago. just recently did i see that the star on orions belt was shrinking. i knew the winds would soon blow him my way once again. it was inevitable. distance is required, friendship unstable. i was reminded of the darkened scary sections of the forest. i sometimes forget that there were too many things in common; more than seeing double trouble but being bearers of cowards' disgrace. it was two secrets never spoken but the heavy load was shared. our paths came together and split apart many times throughout our teenage and young adult years. too much pain prevented any sunshine on either forest. i have fought and struggled to find my sunshine (my wife) in my forest. i went about it in a not so graceful manner, but damnit i am here and i am a survivor, to quote my most fairest sprite of them all. my struggle was one helluva battle, but others are still fighting their war. his forest is sadly still war torn. i am reminded to be so grateful because my forest could have been so much darker, like his currently is. somewhere out there in the land of magical forests, princesses, sprites, and some unseen all being power that watches out for everyone... somewhere out there, some sprite or all knowing being has watched over my magical forest by guiding my path away from the darkest corners of hell. i don't know what i ever did in my past life, or in this one, to deserve such a guardian. one thing i am is grateful, eternally grateful. thank you to whoever or whatever is out there, for keeping this princess safe in her own little magical kingdom.

la vérité vous placera libre.

ok i'm going to bite the bullet and say what i really wanted to say in that last entry. that was nothing more than a fluffer piece that was shotty at best. it was recently told to me that when i write pieces that refer to my memories concerning my biological father, that i am seeking attention and trying to manipulate people into feeling sorry for me. i have been stewing on that mouthful for a few days. i have finally formulated my response to that incredibly gauche accusation.


when i write out my memories, my feelings, my thoughts, my theories on all things in connection with the Evil Faux Czar, i am not writing them to attract attention. i am writing them to purge the poison from my being, from my soul. i could care less if it attracted attention. i am not purging for that reason; i am doing so to expedite the healing process. and as far as my revealing my thoughts and etc. to evoke people feeling sorry for me,... well that is just a mere joke right there. seriously. people are laughing, alright. but not at me. they are laughing at his expense, not mine. they are laughing at his behavior and his actions. i do not need or want to try and even think, let alone actually do, about making people feel sorry for me. the truth speaks for itself. therefore, i could care less. and if they are aware of the truth, then they know everything. everything from the reason behind the reason my mom divorced him, to the reason i stopped my visitations with him, and even the reason behind my stupid mistakes as a teenager that had to do with him. they know the true reason he died, and the reason i was disinherited. the truth is a funny thing. in this instance anyways. it vindicates and exposes everything.

i was far from innocent as a teenager with my time with him. i made my careless and highly irresponsible mistakes. i am adult enough to admit it. i hurt my mom and that side of the family. and for that i shall forever carry a sense of shame and guilt. but as with real families, we've moved on and grown from it. i asked for forgiveness from my mom and from God. someday maybe i can forgive myself. i accept responsibility for my actions. however, i refuse to accept responsibility for his behavior. what continues to baffle me, and always will, is that when somebody dies, people automatically sanctify them and recall them as saints during their living life. that is stupidity in its finest form. i am not doing the opposite either, i am not vilifying him. i am speaking hard, cold truths. nothing more, nothing less. people who sanctify those who are departed are delusional, in my opinion. romanticizing a departed's walking life is one's own disguise of shame or guilt. maybe something else; i don't know. i'm not in that position, so i am in no place to speak of what emotion that it is. i am merely hypothesizing. if i appear cold, i am not. you see, i mourned the loss of MY daddy over twenty years ago.



the man who died and carelessly took his wife with him was a stranger to me. herein lies the irony; he was a stranger whom i knew all too well. i may not have been an active participant in his everyday life, but i knew how he worked from the inside out. i am a product of HIS dna. unfortunately his blood courses through my veins. court papers legalize things, but when you get down to it, his blood coursing through everyone's veins cannot be said for all involved. i knew what made him tick; what set him off; his addictions, his ghosts, his nightmares, and even the reminiscence of what infinitesimal bit of good he once had within him from eons ago.

i do not wish to carry forth any sort of relationship with the person who made me highly defamatory and flat out false allegations against me. i have said before that i wish her the best and i still do. i just have no room in my life for such fallacy. that belongs on that side of the family. which, by the way, ARE my family too. they are my family genetically and nothing more. my real and true family is who i have in my daily life currently. that is where you will find forgiveness, incessant love, compassion, and empathy. so i say to you, to make all the allegations you want against me, recall him and her in the utmost illusional recollections possible. but there is one thing remaining amidst all of the mud and muck; the truth. it is there that i find my freedom.

Persephone is beginning her journey to see Hades.

sometimes, i think, the only way to move forward is to forgive. something inside my heart is in mid-change. i think i am beginning to forgive my dad. i will never understand, nor forget the lessons learned, but i think i can forgive him. the only way to stop the cycle is to let it go. the buck stops here.

well, they started installing the vinyl siding. i think the colors we chose will all pull together very nicely. she didn't like the gray, i didn't like the green. so, we compromised. when they finish installing it, i'll post pictures. :)

oh, it turned out that my mom sprained her ankle and her wrist. she is okay now though. thank buddha!! i have a few birthdays of certain people i hold dear coming upon us. time to send out bday cards. that just means halloween is just around the bend. i *triple* love carving pumpkins. fall is beginning to slowly creep up, and i'm ecstatic about that. i love the fall. the smell of the air, the colors of the trees...