thursday morning ramblings.

last night, honey pot took a stern tone with me to "order" me to go to the local urgent care facility here in florence. i hemmed and hawed, as i hate going to those places. somewhere in the back of my mind, i think that the reason the doctors that work in these doc-in-the-box places either failed med school, are a con artist, a doctor who got fired from some super esteemed medical facility, a doctor who is being slapped with a punishment from the medical licensing board, or one of those "self sacrificing" people who is single handedly trying to save the world from one thing or another.


either way, my lil brother accompanied me to help me talk since i was having technical difficulties doing so. my symptoms were so bad that they were semi-reminiscent of my migraine days; my vision was not at its top peak, as the light hurt my eyes, and i found it difficult to formulate sentences. i got antibiotics, nasal spray, and a mild pain killer. they tested me for swine flue, but upon my rectal examination, they found no corkscrew tail. ;-)











during my appointment, the nurse asked if he was my son. this is the second time this has happened this weekend. what is this fuckery?! my bob. i'm 27, he's two months shy of being 14. ohmystars. i would have been 14 when i had him. no ma'am, that didn't occur. not.at.all. am i looking that old? that hagard? that jaded? what is the universe doing? fucking with me because my biological clock is madly ticking? thanks. thanks a lot, asshole.


drastically changing the subject here,... but i just read that ellen is replacing paula 'abdrool' on american idol. interesting replacement. very interesting. but i guess we shall see how this equasion factors out.

bitching and bitches.

seriously, if i don't get better SOON, i'm going to find a loaded gun and take it out on some poor unsuspecting gum tree in our backyard somewhere. this is lunacy, i tell you. i am acutely accustomed to having hoards of slithering mucus cascading down my sinus cavities, but this wheezing crud has got to cease and desist immediately!! to what office do i go and apply to and scream furiously at some poor minimum wage supervisor that my body has got to start responding to ANY one of the gobs of meds they put me on?! i need results, damnit!! not tomorrow, not in five minutes,...I NEED THEM NOW!!


i feel slightly better sending that out there into cyberspace. slightly. ugh. last time i had bronchitis it did not take a freakin week for me to assimilate. i don't think it did, anyways. that was back in my slut days, when my days were filled with wearing slutty outfits, flirting with whomever necessary to get the desired schedule (for work), finding out where the next party was, and running away from Florence as fast as my p.o.s. car could take me. i don't miss those days AT ALL. i don't think it took a week... at least i don't think so. i don't really recall too much from that week. i do, however, remember codeine cough syrup and beer don't mix too well. common sense should've told me this would not mix well together, one would think. no, it didn't. to seal the deal of my severe case of dumb-itus, i chained smoked marlboro reds that week. yeaahhhhhhhhhhhh. i rocked the dumbass award that week.


i don't know if it is because i truly dislike the guy and i am dancing ever so lightly on the verge of reality that i find this hilarious, or what, but my best friend's husband disappeared tonight from his house. my best friend got all worried because he left his cell, wallet, and his truck. (he is on the fire department, so whenever he disappears he always has these with him.) she's on the phone with me trying to solve the mystery of his whereabouts when she spots him. his explanation? he was chasing a raccoon from their trashcan. he was going to shoot it with his BB gun. yes sirrrrrrreeeeeee bob. they live in a city, my dear interwebber fwiends, and i in the country. and by MY standards,...even THAT is rednecky and just damnit dumb. but then again, this IS her husband. and what a smart man he already is.


i feel a story dawning upon us... let's shake the lopsided family tree and see which rotten apples hit the ground. hmmmm... i'm feeling an aunt story coming on. my mom's sister is personally a favorite character of mine to satirize. there are so many things to tell about this lovely,...'lady.' but alas, i do not know the entire stories to them all, so little snippets of each compiled into a compilation will have to suffice.
*** my grandma was going through a phase where she had auburn hair but evidently needed a trim. being that the aunt in question was attending the local beauty school, my grandma corralled her into the seemingly simple job at hand. my aunt tried to persuade my grandma into taking another route, such as getting somebody else to take on this requested task. all that was told through the years is that my aunt was "inebriated." this could have quite possibly been stoned or drunk, or if it was a particularly bad day (or a celebration) it could have been both. this story ends with my grandma donning her finest BLOND WIG to the church function, where she had to man the oven in the kitchen. apparently my aunt was sooooooo intoxicated that the simple hair cut turned into one HELL of an atrocity. (just pause this momentarily. can you imagine your best friend going from auburn hair to nonchalantly showing up to a church function in a blond damn wig?!) my grandma, having the best of all luck, SINGED the bangs on her FINE blond wig on the oven door. it has since been reputed as to what grandma did with this wig. i recall her stating she casually walked to the bathroom and threw it away. nobody else remembers that, and grandma's memory is so... "spongy" that doesn't even remember the story at all anymore!!

*** then there's the one where my aunt was SO ...again i'll use the word, inebriated, because any state of non-soberness can be applied when speaking in direct connection with said aunt... that i was on the receiving end of her shenanigans. i believe cannot recall the holiday on which this tidbit occurred, but i do know it had fireworks and it was one of major celebrations. take your gander as to which one. but i digress,... this aunt was feeling pretty good by this point in the late night by the time it was time to shoot off the fireworks. (in her trailer park, nonetheless. c'mon, that bit of information could not be with held, now could it? i had to add in a touch of class to this story!!) a bit of quick back story, i had just had outer ear reconstructive surgery that btw, was a big fat epic fail,... so i had this HIDEOUS monstrous big fat head cast on. it was wrapped all.the.damn.way.around.my.head. SO.NOT.FUCKING.COOL. AT ALL. (no residual resentment there, yall. its just your imagination.) okay, back to that night, this non-sober aunt shoots off a round of fireworks that SOMEHOW find their way back to ME. to my head cast to be precise. so whats the bitch do? she starts beating on it!! never mind the MAJOR surgery i'd JUST had!! i stood there in shock as my uncle (now ex uncle, who, btw, married my aunts sister in law. yeahhhh buddy. imagine having your EX WIFE turn into your current SISTER IN LAW.) and cousins stop and stare and freak out as my aunt is beating my head relentlessly. my mother then saved the day by fleeing out the front door to my rescue. what did the aunt do? laughed and continued to shoot fireworks. seriously.

okay, that's enough for one night. my chest hurts and i'm hungry and irritable and cranky and need to get off of here. goodnight, my fellow interwebber fwiends.

:-(

i wish i could say, "well its another day in the neighborhood, the sun is out, and i'm smiling, farting, and merrily skipping along the way," but i can't. why is that? because i am STILL sick. sinusitis with asthmatic bronchitis is a fucker. a nasty fucker. nastier, meaner, and uglier than my bio-dad ever was. (and that says a lot considering he was the catalyst for all things poisonous, evil, vile, putrid, destructive, and down right heinous.) i am grumpy. so grumpy, in fact, that my eyebrows have taken a step down and are now permanently in the grouchy position. apparently they like their recent move. something about the rent being cheaper or something another. damn betches.


i returned to my abode today, where the wife welcomed me with sarcastic remarks, hugs, and wubs. the children all cuddled up to her, and it felt like i was home again. its MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH better than what was last night. even though i was at my second residence, aka my mama's, in my bed in my room, i was home. but i digress, the boys stayed up late last night playing whatever suped up version of super nintendo they play these days. (idk if its the xbox or ps2 or whatever and personally couldn't give a fart less about it either.) they didn't have school today because they had to leave to go out of town to the beach with members of my extended family for this holiday weekend. i was up on my sister's laptop playing online, lying in my bed with one dog in my belly and another under my arse. (its a single trundle bed so it was a TIIIIIIIIGHT fit.) because i am the sickest of us three sick cildren, i am the one who has not been able to sleep. i can't lie down, it aggravates the bronchitis, but i cant sit up and sleep. its truly a no-win situation. so around 4 am i made them turn off the damn nintendo thingy-majiggy they were playing, i closed the laptop, and lied down with mah two furbabies. i FINALLY found a position that my lungs and nose could agree on to allow me to lie down, breathe through one nostril, and go to sleep. ppppPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPraise jeebus!! what comes next? two words: EPIC FAIL.


so it seems, brother boy (hehe), E, was searching for something on the makeshift bedside table between our two beds. what was on that table? a rather LARGE cup FILLED COMPLETELY with water. pause for a brief moment: remember my stating that the kids in my family were genetically cursed klutzes? further proof of this theory isssssssss.... i got a FULL cup of water in my face, up my nose, in my lungs, ..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand my cell phone got SOAKED. yeah. there went all hope for getting any kind of decent sleep. we wound up sleeping in the living room because of one soaking wet bed, and karma decided to kick his ass in return for his masterfully executed epic fail... his bronchitis/asthma got riled up BIG TIME and he had to take a breathing treatment. i was able to slept hard as a rock from 5 am until 10 am. that's the MOST sleep i've gotten since this past sunday night.



my grumpy sick ass is going on. i have to get a few things done then i am collapsing and not doing a DAMN thing. please be very safe this weekend and take extra precautions in using your better judgment about any celebratory festivities and driving afterward. please have a designated driver. have fun!!

sicky, ichky poo.

i wub my twins. just not when they're the reason for my having sinusitis AND asthmatic bronchitis. nice.
apparently being ACTUALLY sick in my family does not give you a ticket to escape the wrath of the crazy aunt. she is not a blog entry story, no. she's a damn BLOG story. you could write a blog solely focused on her psychotic, sociopath ways. but i digress,... nobody is saying it aloud, per say, but behind their "hope you feel better soon" and "get well soon", i can hear the level of spite rising with their every breath.
because i am sickly, bitchy, and jumpy at the moment, (albuterol treatment does that) what i want to say to her versus what i actually said aloud to her are two totally different things. yes, bitch, i planned on getting sinusitis and asthmatic bronchitis to SOLELY ruin your bong filled vacation. while you're throwing your tantrum like a toddler, i can only snicker at your foolishness. damn dumbass, stoned, psychotic, abusing bitch. maybe the hydrocodone is kicking in. i'mma shut up now. peace.

this and that.

okay, call me Mizziz Grinch. i am cranky and sick. (for the second Crimmus in a row, might i add.) my body has been infested by the alien force also known as snot. blechk.

i've been bitchy all week. *contain thy shock.* really unsure why. maybe its the cold. i don't know.

i am here looking at baby blog and jamming to my favorite queen of country and princess of pop. they soothe me. their music my soul's way to breathe deeply.

honey put our tree up this year. i bugged and bugged her about it, then she hauls the gear out of the shed, and guess what? i had a flair up of this politely superb sinus infection that's been crawling up mah bum. super fan-fucking-tastic. i told her because i did it all myself last year, that this was her turn. lol. but seriously, i feel pretty badly about not being able to help. i did, however, wrap all of our gifts. honey's mom, honey's dad, and my grandma excluded.

tonight i perused some lesbian baby blogs. there's this one couple who are three days overdue. i've been reading their blog ever since they artificially inseminated. so i've followed them throughout the course of their pregnancy. its like being a semi-stalker without breaking any laws. it can be addictive. i've been folowing this couple, and they have no clue. internet voyeurism rocks.

i've gotta quit with these baby blogs because it is so not helping to quiet that perpetual clock. i can see why it was Hook's Achilles heel. tick tick tick tick fucking tick tick.

our lil sophia is finding her niche wonderfully. she's my shadow, my own mommy's little princess. i bought her an absolutely delightful punk rock dress with a purple rhinestone collar to match. i do admit,... the orange mohawk is a bit out of place, but soon as i can find some purple or pink temporary hair junk, its on like donkey kong!!