early morning ramblings.

raw emotions cause waves in the water. with every splash against the raw walls within me, it stings like salty water to a gaping wound. somewhere in the midst of it all, i am all too aware that though the salt water stings and burns beyond comprehension, it is healing. there goes that duality thing, again; that which causes pain, heals us within.
a firm no now downgraded to a reconsideration. the walls must be bulldozed. a work in progress; life on semi-probation. limbo. resentment now morphed into hope. hope of what may come. hope was the only thing remaining inside pandora's box.
she said that she was unaware how paralyzed he made me. seems to me an obvious impairment, but to her...not so much. "what you fear is what you become," states the adage. i vehemently disagree. i do believe, however, that fear has the insurmountable strength to paralyze one's self. when that occurs, we become exquisite masons by building impenetrable walls around ourselves. self preservation. to some extent, it is necessary for survival. for example, when one is the victim of abuse. but when we construct these barricades of protection, we often block out what is needed to live.
living life is not being alive. the act of merely being alive is existing. and that is no life is live. the thing i have come to ascertain is, when living life we come to see that dreams that we reach for aren't exactly what life has planned for you. sometimes wishing or dreaming for something is just the tip of the ice burg. we wind up getting more than we wished for, then we see that it makes us happier than we ever thought possible. a perfect example, my meeting Reba twice. and not only meeting her the second time, but also meeting kelly clarkson.
life is scary. hard. up. down. steady. unstable. backwards. agonizing pain. blissful delight. but it is life. and living life is worth every second of every possible emotion. robotically passing through this world with walls built so high around you, to where you cannot see whats around you is only cheating your own self.


on a different subject, tonight we had dinner for the family of the man who passed away, that C knows. the daughter and son of the man was here tonight. they sat around talking of lawyers, wills, headstones, and what a great man their daddy was. where my heart ached for their loss, it stung me as well. thats what good daddies are supposed to do; care for their offspring. i stayed subdued and quiet throughout the evening, as i really didn't know any of these folks. i just played the role of the wife, who smiled, and kept a watchful eye out for the doggies. aye. our doggies are the bestest ever. (of course i'm a teeny tiny bit biased on that judgement.)
i'm off to home for the holiday. my old buddies will keep me occupied. maybe we'll head out to the HRS haunted house. plenty of old friends and memories there!! i hope that any readers who actually read this thing take extra precaution on the roads, starting with being SOBER when driving. anyways, i'm out like clay gayken.

Pre-Halloween Weekend.

here lately i cannot seem to get enough sleep. my therapist says that a temporary side effect of paxil is sleepiness. i could use that excuse, but truth is, i'm a sleep slut. if i could sleep 21 hours out of everyday and still function in society, i so totally would. i honestly haven't a clue why i am like that. oh well. i'll just continue to reign in the supremecy of my title of the official jamison sleep whore.

C's longtime family friend didn't survive being taken off of life support. its always a sad thing to lose someone so unexpectedly. hell. for that matter, its (usually) always sad to lose someone you care for. on the upside in this unfortunate situation, C has reconnected with a childhood friend, with whom she has more in common than just cherished memories, than she originally thought. i think its fantastic. reconnecting is great when it warms your soul.

i finally uploaded a butt load of pictures off of my cell, including a picture of my most recently completed painting. this weekend we continued to torture jackson with the newly coveted red laser light. (when he turns out to have a wally eye, and a beer short of a case, we'll know what to blame.) and just for the record,... a dachshund's farts can seriously be lethal. great stars!!

liz, and cheryl did most of the carving on our pumpkins. i did my best to do as much as i could, but my hands just couldn't keep up with my ambition. i loathe that. then, the three of us had a trip up to Cola to my favorite bookstore, where the side effects of my favorite frozen concoction gave me brainfreeze and made me way too hyper way too quick. i got a new journal, as my tinkerbell one is finally full. i also attained a book entitled, made in the usa. it was absolutely fantastic! C got the first book of the twighlight series. i'll jump on that book too.

when we returned home after our Cola mini-adventure, we watched the movie Liz picked out, August Rush. and, OH. MY. STARS. that movie was absolutely A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! the Peter Pan undertones totally sold me. (yea, yea, we all know i'm a complete sucker for anything peter pan related.) robin williams (who played Peter Pan in HOOK) was the leader of 'the lost children' and the little boy from FINDING NEVERLAND played August Rush. but seriously, that movie was...just... wow. go get it. it is now on my list of all time favorite movies. it was a movie that set my soul aglow, it made me feel alive, like that there truly ARE amazing things in this world. it had another undertone that they played to perfection; fairytales. nothing overly romantic, nothing that couldn't happen in reality, nothing walt disney couldn't do. it wasn't your typical, run of the mill, ride off into the sunset happily ever after, either. this movie, is just... perfection at its finest.

below are the pictures i finally posted, with descriptions. peace out.

okay, i know its small. sorry about that. i was tinkering with the sizing of these damn pictures. but anyways, can you find kitty-kitty? (i had to alter the coloring to enable your "where's kitty-kitty" game.

these are our pumkins. purty, purty. wish i had gone with my original idea to have three pumkins having a different word on each one. i'd thought to do, "wish." "hope." and, "love."

here is my completed painting entitled, "Tiger Lilly." i got the idea from the spider lilly flower that bloomed in our field. Princess Tiger Lilly was also a character from Peter Pan. i couldn't get the color to show true in the picture, so i don't know whats up with that.

here's me waiting in the carpool line at Sneed Middle School. those trees were juveniles when i attended that school, the first year it opened. i'm old. seriously. i was in 8th grade at that very school when Ellis and Alex were born, yet here I was, picking up Ellis from that very school. /sigh.

these two road pictures i took on my way back to orangeburg. i know they're blurry, but i thought they were kinda beautifully funky.

again, i couldn't get the color to remain true, but this gives you an idea of the color scheme to the outside of our house. pretty frikkin sweet, if you ask me. we've gotten LOADS of compliments. (even from the folks who installed the vinyl.... yea, that rocks!!)

wrecklessness.

holy be-jesus! attack of the psycho aunt, seriously, yall. so the story i have is un-effing-believable. i go home, to find that the aunt and grandmother have obtained a new/used vehicle that is nice. a sleek saturn van with all the bells and whistles. but, i digress. i take twin A to accompany me to the gathering place Saturday night. while in the company of the other aunt, the uncle, the cousin, and the rest of the hippie crowd, a good time ensued,...or so i mistakenly thought.
Sunday morning rolls around, and i am rudely bombarded by a crazy tirade. the aunt in question bombarded my Mama's house, knowing it was only myself and the twins who were present and accounted for in the house. she unloaded on me with both barrels, accusing me with such preposterous lies that stung my heart like salt covered nails in a gaping flesh wound behind the knee. her delusions were as grandiose and real as all of walt disney's fables. she knew which buttons to mash, knowing what damages it would inflict upon me. the despicable lies rolled off her tongue as easily as water off of a duck's back. it was scary. to know that somebody whom you love can willfully strike such pain down upon you is scary as it gets.
i'm unsure what event transpired, or if any, but come Tuesday, my phone rang alive with an apology. albeit at first the wrong apology, the correct one found its way to my ears. i'd like to believe it was inspired by a word of prayer from my own female co-creator. either way, an apology was given. miscommunications were corrected, but forgiveness not given. the barbs of pain damaged my heart too much to be easily erased by a mere apology. only time can fade that into a soon forgotten scar that will be blended in amongst the rest.
i am unsure as to what the purpose of all of this drama was. what was my lesson to be learned? as it wasn't i who begun any of this, so i am unsure what to think. perhaps it serves as a reminder of what i could be, if i let loose my own anger. and buddha knows, that just isn't happenin'. what i do know is that the tide still turns.
thursday, C will be in charleston visiting a loved one on life support. she's hoping for the best, but bracing for the worst. its a tragedy all around. pain bounces around like children on a trampoline; wild, uncaring, free, careless, and wreckless. my heart goes out to her, and the family this tragedy was cast upon.


The ranks of the stars move in progression, the sun and the moon shine in turn, the four seasons succeed each other in good order, the yin and yang go through their great transformations, and the wind and the rain pass over the whole land... -Xunzi