finding forgiveness.

i am a girl with many flaws. my wife will surely agree. one of said flaws is my inability to let go of hurt. i hold onto it as if it were my life preserver in the midst of the Titanic catastrophe. you get to a point in adulthood to where relinquishing hurt is a necessity for survival. question is, what does one do when it is pivotal to do just that and you don't have the tools and mechanisms to do just that? i'm at that place and i don't know what in the hell to do. you'd get better results with al sharpton at an Aryan brotherhood beauty pageant.

as a little girl, that hurt was the only thing i had to hold onto. it was the only thing i had to cherish to be able to connect with my monster, with my dad. he with held all normal fatherly emotion from me. he was never proud of me, he never doted on me, he never ever said the words every daughter needs to hear. that strips away the vital bonding material that glues every parent-child relationship. when there is no glue to hold that necessary relationship in place, unhealthy emotions take that place. every put down, every jab (towards me, my mom, or my mom's family) cemented the ill emotion of hurt. that fosters itself into an awkward and highly unhealthy relationship. the rippling affects of such an easily preventable tragedy touches every single aspect of that child's life and future. if i let go of the hurt, that was equivalent of letting go of my dad. what child wants to do that?

the way he could play puppeteer and manipulate the strings to rain down the ultimate guilt trip for wanting to- or even thinking about- letting him go was nothing short of amazing. like the Vatican convincing the masses that contraceptives are the work of the devil. he learned from the master of manipulation how to make things work exactly the way he wanted. what he wanted was to be able to control me from across town without so much as having to make an appearance in my life. is it any wonder that i was perpetually stuck in a conundrum of purgatorial guilt? i learned to feed off of the hurt. its what sustained my relationship with him until he killed himself and his wife. i no longer wish to be crippled by this disadvantage. i wish to grow. how does one find forgiveness to grow? where does it come from within you? how do you grow forgiveness?

unfathomable antics in the south.

my oh my, oh my... how i have quite the pictorial update for yall!! for starters, i thoroughly enjoyed my time in darlington with my wonderful friends. we relaxed, talked, were mischievous (of course!!), and just had plain ol' fun in general. my hair got dyed back to its closest to natural color that yall will ever see on me; a brunette-ish/auburnish color. the oldest ML daughter said she wanted to straighten my hair, to which i said it'd be too much for her to try to tame. she challenged me and proved me wrong point blank. cite the given photo as evidence.

the grass areas surrounding our abode have surprisingly grown faster than we'd expected it to. it looks MUCH better than it did when the wife and the father in law first put down the sod. our yard is no longer a total mud hole now. :-)


i have an UH-MAY-ZING short story for yall. this only happens in the south, and i swear to yall, that this is a 100% non-fiction story. Dan and Shan are married with two toddlers. They recently moved out of one said trailer park to move into another. The new trailer park is much, much nicer. Let it be known that one reason for moving from the previous park was the residents. One in particular. We'll call her Virginia. Virginia is a CRAZY old coot; Middle aged, old woman who never had any children. (Thank heavens!!) Virginia went to visit Shan and Dan for an overnight visit at their new place. Upon awaking the next morning, Shan spots a towel lying on the floor directly in front of her front door. Her usual culprits had been in bed all night, so she was curious as to what was going on here.

Virginia informs her that she couldn't make it to the turrlet so she cops a squat right there. yes, you read that correctly. Let me repeat it so you can wrap your mind around this. A middle aged old coot, who is a fully functioning individual (as in, no Alzheimer's) took a piss in the floor at Shan and Dan's. oh.my.gawd. oh and this jewel of a story doesn't end there, no. Shan flips her lid and begins furiously shampooing the carpet as Virginia sits on and watches. Dan walks in the door sweating profusely and grabs the nearest towel to wipe his face. yes. yes, yes, yes, the inevitable occurs. Dan wipes his face with the pee soaked towel Virginia used to cover up her pee spot.

what can you say to that? seriously, yall. what can you say?