a mélange of incidental occurrences.

i have never been an easy one to love, or like, for that matter. in growing up, i hurt a lot of those who loved me dearly. the sheer weight of the guilt caused by my careless actions is immeasurable. now as i am creeping closer towards thirty, i am capable of realizing the pain i ruthlessly inflicted upon the people who once surrounded me. i accept my responsibility for my actions.

but i emphasize; MY actions is what i take the brunt for. what i refuse to accept any longer is being made a target for someone blinded by rage and on the attack for something that i had nothing to do with whatsoever. for years and years, i defended her and empathized with her, perhaps even when uncalled for. a flaw on my part, evidently. naivety or a deluded sense of loyalty, i'm not sure which. the buck stops here. come at me and fight me for something i did, but viciously targeting me for something COMPLETELY out of my control is nothing short of stupid absurdity. it is summarized as easily as this: i did not put the alcohol in his hands that night, i did not put the keys in his hands, i did not do anything to cause the crash that was their demise.

in truth i am sorry for what she has been through this past year, i have no doubts its been extremely rough for her. i get that. however, to get mad with me for speaking truths is plain idiotic. i bowed away, telling her if it makes her feel better, gives her any peace, she can make me her target. whatever helps her sleep at night. the fact of the matter is, karma roared loud and clear. its as simple as that.

anyways. i have been witnessing a strange phenomena lately. so it seems that one of the rural roads nearest to us is a favorite road to cast away unwanted chairs. this truly puzzles me. seriously, think about it. how does one constitute a back road worthy enough to discard a tender, loving chair that has taken all of your abuse? a chair that has taken all of your abuse, without so much as one word of rejection towards you. oh the drama you have inflicted upon this chair!! the weight of all your years, your hot air, your shit, your stenches...your ass's punching bag, your ass's wing man... and this is the thanks that chair gets? this phenomena just fascinates me. it truly does.

alas, honey and i did nothing all day yesterday. we sat and watched last season of the L Word. what the fuck happened to Jenny? seriously?! she was so HOT as crazy, vulnerable Jenny, but this bitchy Jenny can suck my balls. i'm SO rooting for Bette and Tina to reconnect. seems odd to root for the past, as opposed to the future. i reckon i'm an oddball romantic. in Dawson's creek, i always wanted joey and Dawson back together. (although i was secretly okay when she ended up with pace.) in friends, i was always eager for Rachael and Ross to get it together. so yeah, Bette and Tina had better get back together. (and by the by, my vote is on Alice for Jenny's murder.)


today honey and i were supposed to go pick up our new bedroom suit from columbia. with the weather the way it is, its just not feasible right now. so most likely, i'll dibble around the house some, perhaps dab into some art, watch a little tv, etc. a nice lazy sunday. i tell ya what though, i'm past ready for my BFF to return SAFELY from europe. ugh. damnit!! anyways. i'm out.

nothingness.

We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.

Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.

slightly.

"the only time i see you is when i need antibiotics for these stupid sinus infections," i said, very agitated. talking was hard to do. it was hard to hear if the words were exiting my mouth the way i was thinking them in my head. the relentless static in my head had become deafening, by this point. i'm not sure static is the correct adjective here, though. the best adequate description of the reverberating noise inside the walls of my skull were like that of a washing machine cleaning a full load, with its top open. you know; that whirling, round and round sound? yeah, that's the one.

he takes a deep sigh and turns his head to my chart, flipping through the pages. "Dr. Daryn Stephans," as i'll call him for bloggosphere purposes, can't be 35, at the maximum. definately the anally retentive, type A, most likely OCD, nerd type of guy. he always has this perpetual look of grimace on his face. i have my theories on this: his wife probably irons and starches his underwear. maybe that's why he always has that strange look on his face, because she put too much starch on it and its digging a hole into his butt cheek. OR, she forgot to starch the pair he has on that day (that he conveniently wears EVERY TIME i see him), so he has the look on his face because he has a wedgy that'd make an elephant cry. OR finally, maybe the old prude just has to fart? i don't know. either way, he gave me my antibiotics and pain killers, then hooked me up with an allergist up in columbia.


the package of instructions that arrived in the mail, from the allergist's office was clear on one very specific thing; NO anti-histamines for 7 days prior to the appointment. jesus. that's denying crack from your neighborhood toothless crack whore. its cruel, is what it is. cruel and unusual punishment. denny crane and alan shore, hello? supreme court, part tres!!

the day of my appointment rolls around, and somehow by the grace of the stars above, between the anti-biotics and pain meds, it kept any sinus headaches at bay. honey and i get back into the little room they stashed me away in. and in walks the doctor.
okay. stop. you know those people who have perfect teeth? perfectly straight and perfectly white... they glisten with perfection? they dazzle me. seriously. i even once had a teacher who had these teeth, and i could barely pay attention to her lectures, because her teeth mesmerized me. like a damn spell, it had me from hello. anyways, back to my mister allergy doctor. picture this; perfectly combed hair, perfectly pressed outfit, beautiful teeth, and gay man lips. yes i said it; gay man lips. think angelina's lips made for a man. there ya go, folks. that's one of my secret obsessions. gay man lips who have perfect teeth. its like the lips are perfectly fit for the teeth, the way they blanket them, like the waves to the shore.

is there any doubt as to why i'm currently in therapy? no. i didn't think so.
back to mister gay doctor man. he said i had to have skin tests run to see exactly what it is that i'm allergic to. after the nurse drew a chart on my back, i felt like my back looked like that connect the dots game. she scratched some stuff onto my back, and honey and i sat there for a few minutes passing both gas and time. then came time to run the skin tests on my arm. HOLY. MARY. MOTHER. OF. GOD. JESUS, WHO ART IN HEAVEN. she made her way around to the back of my arm with her little connect the dots chart, and i swear, the needles going into that arm fat. holy shit does NOT describe my sentiments at that very moment.

turns out that all of that torture was in vain, as i "only had a slight reaction to dust mites." slight. a slight reaction. let me make you feel what it feels like to be slightly keeled over in throbbing groin pains. slightly.

after that catastrophe has subsided, i get a voice mail stating that mister gay doctor man has found something after re-evaluating my files and needs me to return so he can speak with me. fine, asshole. i'll return.
but bring the needles out, and then you'll see a mister gay doctor man with one less testicle. slightly, that is. just slightly.

a fart of relief.

i successfully made it through the first anniversary without coming unglued. i guess i just didn't give myself enough credit. i don't know what i expected to happen. i mean, really.

its like when my Nana died, one year later exactly, i sat at my Mama's kitchen table looking at that clock by the phone, and a few minutes after 6 pm, i sat and waited, waiting for that phone to ring. it was going to ring, and the voice on the other end of the line would magically undo that entire year like a bad nightmare. that voice would say, "hey sarah, its ok. your Nana's back, go on and see her." i sat there, and sat there. and the phone never rang. 7 pm came and went, and not a single, solitary ring. the nightmare was real.

that was 1998 and this is 2009. my anticipatory anxiety manifested itself via a dream, where i paid the graveyard boocoo's of money to dig three feet of dirt up above his casket, pour in a foot of concrete, then cover it back up with dirt. today my therapist said that dream was equivalent to a rape victim re-living their nightmare over and over until they begin to heal, and subconsciously, they fight back their attacker. in my case, i was making sure the son of a bitch wasn't coming back. that night, the phone didn't ring, much to my relief. holding your breath for a year is strenuously hard.

christmas came and went. we survived it. the house didn't burn down. no familial fights that shed any blood. although, there were a few that looked to promise it. i spent time with my family mostly, but saw some friends too. my white butt sat promptly down or lied in a bed or on a couch for most of the time. i was sick for crimmus. i jetted back to the oburg for two days for a doctor's appointment, wherein i reacted wonderfully to the antibiotic. i can handle anything when it comes to being sick...but give me a sliver of nausea and thats all she wrote. after the boy and i returned to florence, there were a few couches which i decorated new years eve and day.

by the time i came home to my honey, i was ready. i missed our house, our routine, our bed,....and her, ofcourse! my BFF, ashes, came to see us for the night this weekend. she and i relaxed and talked, nothin strenuous. we decorated some light switch covers that i bought. mosaic glass, to be exact. i felt so knowledgeable showing Ashes how to cut glass. (thanks to my mosaic art teacher that i had!) ours aren't nearly as good as hers, but we sure had fun doing them. i did the third one by myself. it was relaxing. quite cathartic. more and more i feel a gravitational pull towards art. i find myself accumulating so many art things that i'm itching to go ahead and start stock piling them in my art room in the new house.


which, by the way, is coming along quite nicely. honey and pops are in the midst of the cabinet situation. our "painter" (and i use the noun loosely) finished painting my art room. the ceiling in purple and the wall with the window is navy. its funky. i'll paint stars on the ceiling. pops thinks we ruined a perfectly good room. i gave it personality, me thinks.


i feel okay about things. i really do. i see that inner peace can...and WILL... be achieved by me. my monster is gone. i have a wife, a dysfunctionally amazing family, a litter of semi retarded pets, and the greatest best friends a girl could ask for. i know most importantly, though, that i will be okay. i am okay.

this and that.

okay, call me Mizziz Grinch. i am cranky and sick. (for the second Crimmus in a row, might i add.) my body has been infested by the alien force also known as snot. blechk.

i've been bitchy all week. *contain thy shock.* really unsure why. maybe its the cold. i don't know.

i am here looking at baby blog and jamming to my favorite queen of country and princess of pop. they soothe me. their music my soul's way to breathe deeply.

honey put our tree up this year. i bugged and bugged her about it, then she hauls the gear out of the shed, and guess what? i had a flair up of this politely superb sinus infection that's been crawling up mah bum. super fan-fucking-tastic. i told her because i did it all myself last year, that this was her turn. lol. but seriously, i feel pretty badly about not being able to help. i did, however, wrap all of our gifts. honey's mom, honey's dad, and my grandma excluded.

tonight i perused some lesbian baby blogs. there's this one couple who are three days overdue. i've been reading their blog ever since they artificially inseminated. so i've followed them throughout the course of their pregnancy. its like being a semi-stalker without breaking any laws. it can be addictive. i've been folowing this couple, and they have no clue. internet voyeurism rocks.

i've gotta quit with these baby blogs because it is so not helping to quiet that perpetual clock. i can see why it was Hook's Achilles heel. tick tick tick tick fucking tick tick.

our lil sophia is finding her niche wonderfully. she's my shadow, my own mommy's little princess. i bought her an absolutely delightful punk rock dress with a purple rhinestone collar to match. i do admit,... the orange mohawk is a bit out of place, but soon as i can find some purple or pink temporary hair junk, its on like donkey kong!!

updates.

its been quite a while since i've last blogged.
i'm sorry, my fellow bloggers and readers.
life, sometimes it happens, ya know?
where to begin...
well i'll just make this entry like a bulletin because there is so much to talk about.

*cheryl and i went through a really hard time. i finally stood up for what i felt needed to be defended. it was very hard to do. but i had stewed on the subject matter long enough, i'd taken into account all of the circumstances, and felt compelled to resolve the issue once and for all. the truth is, it hurt down to my core. my newfound sense of no fear supplied my courage to carry through. i don't know what will become of us. i relinquished control to the fates that be. not that i don't love her, because gosh almighty, i do. i just am tired of worrying. so to relieve that anxiety, i said "oh well. what will be, will be."

*i went to the crash site. this december 26th will be the one year anniversary. i rid my life of the parasites that are his family. (the one cousin excluded.) i am no longer hung up on what jack thinks of me. oh well with that situation, too. again, its not that i don't care, because i do. i'm just over the worrying aspect of it all. anyways. i finally conquered going to see it for myself. and wow. talk about an unnerving experience. i saw it. i felt it. i smelled it. i touched it. the plethora of emotions that ransacked my psyche were broad; relief, anger, sadness, etc. after damn near passing out, i left. i'm glad i conquered it. i needed to. i took a momento from the tree; some wood to keep it fresh for me. i never want to forget or forgive the pain he inflicted, and that will do just that for me.

*not too long ago, i wished for a turtle. ten miles later, there she was in the middle of the road like a present from above. i wished for a kitty kitty. not long after, a spade female who's great with dogs, asks to go out, and who isn't clingy, shows up one night at my back door. well. i wished for a teacup dog like radar, and like pnut. well. fate handed me a chorkie. all four and a half pounds. i got exactly what i asked for. she's perfect for me. hell, she IS me in a dog. i swear, yall. its kinda scary, actually. i named her sophia, as in sophia patrillo. i'd said when estelle getty died that my next dog would be named sophia in her honor. she kind of looks like sophia, the character, too. she has a small grayish head, she's old, can be cranky, cute as a bedbug, and funny. seriously!!

*my friends have been absolutely wonderful to me during this timultuous time here lately. huddle house visits and baby googling have eased my heartache. -side note... at the huddle house, i ran into my step-mother's father. it was very awkward because he still associates with my father's mother and i don't. kinda odd. yea. but he was as nice as he's ever been to me, though.-

*cheryl's car battery died on her way to work one night. then later that week, my tire went flat. and great stars!! what fuckery that was!! and NOW, the brakes on her car are messed up, so that goes into the shop in the morning. she drove my truck to work tonight. grrrr... i get a bit testy when my truck is not by my side.

*my anxiety has elevated to an uncomfortable point. i am unsure if it is due to the recent ongoings or the impending holidays or the anniversary. i may just bide my time and see if it subsides after the holidays have safely passed. if it doesn't then i will have to speak with my doctor about that.

*the house progress is SLOWLY coming along. cheryl's dad quoted about 5 to 6 weeks weeks until we move, but i just don't see that. i'm thinking feb. or march.

well dear ones, that's about it for me. i'll bid you ado, and say goodnight. peace out

jaded.

changes. their uncomfortable. especially when you are raw emotionally. and right now, i am just that. never did i think that such seemingly stable things would be called into question. it hurts. quite badly, at that.
perhaps this is karma returning the favor of the pain which i have caused. i can only surmise that, because nothing else makes sense. what it feels like, is a slowly dripping bleeding cut. i see it in slow motion, but am powerless to stop it.
right now, it'd be so easy to believe in a god that may or may not exist. to blindly succumb to an almighty power to take over all of the responsibility. to pray would be so easy. but to whom? perhaps i'll sit outside tonight and wish on all of the stars until i run out or fall asleep.
i am not shutting down. but i am tired. not of us. just in general...tired. this year has almost been too much. too much has been stirred up and unsettled. ghosts of christmas past (VERY appropriate) have haunted me long enough. i just need to heal. that's all. i need time, without ANYTHING else becoming unsettled, to heal. to recharge my battery.
as hurt as i am and as tired as i am, my tenacity has yet to waiver, when it comes to straightening the destruction of 2008. many many many wonderful things have come my way, for which i am unboundingly grateful for...but the emotional hardships have taken its toll.
learning to live freely and not in fear has been challenging enough, knowing i can turn my lamp off at night is still unnerving, and not shitting a gold brick at every fancy vehicle that passes me in Florence is still HARD. knowing that i am hurting hurts her, hurts me even more. (if that makes sense.) there is a middle way, as the buddhist say. it is now what i seek. a path to enlightenment,....because i damn sure need it.