merci beaucoup....

when i was a little girl i had big dreams i wanted to chase and even bigger fairy tales i wanted to come true. i think we are screwing our children over by encouraging them to believe that fairy tales are real instead of just a figment of childrens' stories. fairy tales belong in disney world. if the moms of the world would just add on a clause at the end of every bedtime story that notes fairy tales aren't real, a lot of unecessary heartache could be easily prevented. chasing fairy tales is equivalent to chasing a fart in the wind.

i think now as an adult i can look back in retrospect at past relationships, fucks, and what nots with a clear hindsight. i've never wanted to admit it before, but there was an obvious case of clearcut fear of comittment. i ruined relationships and friendships alike because of this insane notion. i realize that Buddhism teaches us that nothing is permanent, but i wish i'd realized earlier that things can last, if anything, for a substancial amount of time. i know how careless, wreckless, wild, rebellious, callous, deceitful, and plain stupid i was back in my past. i hate that now, as i hurt some good people and did nothing but hurt myself in the longrun. i have worked this out within myself, and only have one regret amongst all of that chaos.



if you had told me five or ten years ago that i would be married, building a new house, have a gaggle of dogs and a cat, and thinking about possible baby daddies, i'd have prolly called you a liar and 'kicked ya in the taco.' i never thought in a million years that i would settle down and allow somebody to love me the way i deserve. somehow i found her. we found each other. she is far from perfect, as she has many flaws. raving and ranting about simple things is one that i can't help but to secretly laugh at. how she can get so worked up over the most minute of things just tickles me. she is so cute when she rants. she fusses about our furbabies sleeping in our bed with us. i suspect that she secretly likes it, but she'd just assume to rip her throat out before admitting that to me. sure, the smallest of our canines is the biggest bed hog, and kitty kitty is restless and won't quit kneading on top of our bodies... but i think she loves it.


i never thought i'd be where i'm at today. i don't think any of us think that though. this i do know, i am unbelievable thankful and blessed to have such a perfectly imperfect wife that is all mine. i still don't know what i did to deserve her. maybe it was my guardian angels looking out for me. whatever the case may be, i have a full heart these days instead of a broken one. today marks our two year wedding anniversary and our four year anniversary together. i can't thank my stars enough for all of this fulfillment.

blissfully dreaming.

last night i had this fabulous dream that was so odd. well i actually had two dreams. in the first one obama lived at my mama's and used my old ass computer that was re-vamped by some secret task force. that way if anybody tried to hack it all they would see is some outdated software.

in my other dream, cheryl and i were at a reba concert, 5th row, and reba came out into the audience giving out souveneres. well somebody took the souvenere out of my hand in front of her. she looked at me and said, "hey sarah," giving me a huge hug. then she said to hold on, that she'd take care of that. later in the concert, her personel hand delivered a backstage pass to me. joey was sitting in the isle next to me and was ecstatic for me. so i go backstage and reba talks to me like an old friend and offers me a job. well i ran back out to the audience to tell cheryl who'd gotten up to go pee. i was wandering around looking for her. in doing so, i saw so many people from my past. i saw costas, garrett, leigh ann, liz, my ex eman, C&J and their daughters... i didn't talk to them though. C&J that is. i just smiled and waved and went on about my business looking for cheryl. anyways thats all i can recall from that dream. but it was AWESOME!!

tomorrow is my two year anniversary being married to my wife, and our 4 year anniversary for being together. aww. i do so adore her and love her with all of my heart because she puts up with all of my shenanigans and such. she's the greatest wife in the whole world!!

je suis béni.

yesterday was my grandma's 80th birthday and my sister's 17th birthday. it was bittersweet. we were supposed to have gone to eat at grandma's favorite restaurant, but once she realized that my aunt couldn't accompany us, she didn't want to go. i guess my aunt has become her safety blanket. talk about a defective blanket from the factory!! that blanket got caught up in the machine at the plant, spit out, rejected, and still got sent out to the public...the dye they used for coloring that fabric must have been made from the poppy fields because she's damn sure acting like she's been exposed to some pretty strong opiates. or, maybe the bitch is just plain psycho. either way, the dysfunctional (and delusional) 'security' my grandma gets from this blanket is evidently what she thinks she needs.



so my wonderful wife and i opted to bring her favorite dish from her favorite restaurant to her for supper. yea, yea, i know, i know... i ROCK as a grand daughter. no ego there, eh? on the way to grandma's house the wifey and i were chatting, and i quoted a true sophia saying to her about my grandma's 80th birthday. "once you hit 80, every birthday without a headstone is a milestone!!" yes, yes. i crack myself up. but alas, we had to leave her house suddenly because i became overheated rather quickly. when that happens, i get really sick really fast. i get all discombobulated. seriously. its no fun. at all.


the packing is still under way. aye karumba!! it doesn't look so hard, but it is all of the repetitive bending that is bothering me. my back feels okay as of right now. i took it easy today to give my back a rest. hopefully tomorrow i can go back to full force and get a lot more packed. i'm getting so super stoked about moving. i told my wifey that i couldn't wait to go and buy shower curtains and such. yay!! that sounds so matronly doesn't it? oh well, i'm a future milf anyways.


when honey was talking to my favorite old woman yesterday, she told her that i was utterly in love with my wee-one, sophia. it hadn't dawned on me until she said it, but i am!! i love my harley and absolutely adore my jackson, but i am in love with sophia. what my honey bunny said touched my heart. and speaking of my honey, our four year anniversary is approaching quite fast. hmmm... i gotta get those creative juices flowing so i can do something for her.

a fart of relief.

i successfully made it through the first anniversary without coming unglued. i guess i just didn't give myself enough credit. i don't know what i expected to happen. i mean, really.

its like when my Nana died, one year later exactly, i sat at my Mama's kitchen table looking at that clock by the phone, and a few minutes after 6 pm, i sat and waited, waiting for that phone to ring. it was going to ring, and the voice on the other end of the line would magically undo that entire year like a bad nightmare. that voice would say, "hey sarah, its ok. your Nana's back, go on and see her." i sat there, and sat there. and the phone never rang. 7 pm came and went, and not a single, solitary ring. the nightmare was real.

that was 1998 and this is 2009. my anticipatory anxiety manifested itself via a dream, where i paid the graveyard boocoo's of money to dig three feet of dirt up above his casket, pour in a foot of concrete, then cover it back up with dirt. today my therapist said that dream was equivalent to a rape victim re-living their nightmare over and over until they begin to heal, and subconsciously, they fight back their attacker. in my case, i was making sure the son of a bitch wasn't coming back. that night, the phone didn't ring, much to my relief. holding your breath for a year is strenuously hard.

christmas came and went. we survived it. the house didn't burn down. no familial fights that shed any blood. although, there were a few that looked to promise it. i spent time with my family mostly, but saw some friends too. my white butt sat promptly down or lied in a bed or on a couch for most of the time. i was sick for crimmus. i jetted back to the oburg for two days for a doctor's appointment, wherein i reacted wonderfully to the antibiotic. i can handle anything when it comes to being sick...but give me a sliver of nausea and thats all she wrote. after the boy and i returned to florence, there were a few couches which i decorated new years eve and day.

by the time i came home to my honey, i was ready. i missed our house, our routine, our bed,....and her, ofcourse! my BFF, ashes, came to see us for the night this weekend. she and i relaxed and talked, nothin strenuous. we decorated some light switch covers that i bought. mosaic glass, to be exact. i felt so knowledgeable showing Ashes how to cut glass. (thanks to my mosaic art teacher that i had!) ours aren't nearly as good as hers, but we sure had fun doing them. i did the third one by myself. it was relaxing. quite cathartic. more and more i feel a gravitational pull towards art. i find myself accumulating so many art things that i'm itching to go ahead and start stock piling them in my art room in the new house.


which, by the way, is coming along quite nicely. honey and pops are in the midst of the cabinet situation. our "painter" (and i use the noun loosely) finished painting my art room. the ceiling in purple and the wall with the window is navy. its funky. i'll paint stars on the ceiling. pops thinks we ruined a perfectly good room. i gave it personality, me thinks.


i feel okay about things. i really do. i see that inner peace can...and WILL... be achieved by me. my monster is gone. i have a wife, a dysfunctionally amazing family, a litter of semi retarded pets, and the greatest best friends a girl could ask for. i know most importantly, though, that i will be okay. i am okay.