searching.

the results from my test were unnerving.
i mean, damn.
off goes the strattera, and soon the wellbutrin.
seems they hurt more than helped she says.
wrong will be righted in the morning, hopefully.

spending quality time with C is helping me keep my balance in all this.
solid ground to steady myself.
it appears as if maybe all of this is effecting me more than i thought,
or cared to admit.
i just didn't know HOW much.
ya know?

in life, the bastard never effected me like this.
it speaks volumes that his death has rattled me so.
i hate it.
i absolutely hate it.

i know i can't go back to the girl i was pre-December 25th.
time moves forward, never backwards.
i can only hope that time and a proper treatment can guide my way
so i can find that comfortable medium of being me.
i am anxiously eager to return to that state.

i wish i could just turn that part of me off,
so i don't feel the damage left in his wrath.
i would never wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.
nobody deserves that.

i'm still struggling with his fate;
i believe he got off easy.
the piece of shit never suffered.
the path his monstrocity created has more ruins than new orleans.
where the fuck is the justice in all of this?
does the monster win?

so it seems.