pictures.

mah new hair color. (i was sleepy in this pic, was the reason for the eat shit look.)



Mine.


I present to you, the shrunken headed/lioness mythological creature, post FIRST haircut:


A more normalish looking Sophia that semi-resembles an alien life form.

breathing again.

things are getting easier. part of me hates that and part of me loves it. i am still sad and hurt; the only difference is, is that i can breathe again. it will truly be okay. i believe that now.

i'm still going stir crazy stuck in the house. the holidays are upon us, so i know it'll be easier soon.

onward st olaf, onward we go...

i am in my sanctuary, protected by my family. they stand as if they were guarding buckingham palace. as dutifully as they stand, i can't help but to wonder if they are aware of the ongoings behind palace walls. so much chaos, all perfectly aligned. an idiom in itself; the perfect dysfunctional family whose wheels keep turning like a ghetto rigged machine. i find myself knee deep in waters trying to forge my place in this new place. i'm still defying logic by relentlessly remaining stubborn that this is not my home.
my heart is hurting by more than the obvious. friends i thought to be real, was only a mirrored facade. i believed in them with my heart and soul, but to be shafted and cut so cold shows the true nature. old friends from lifetimes ago have reappeared and are helping this transition flow less harsher. its amazing how some friendships stand the test of time, even when you grow up and sometimes apart. its a beautiful thing.

observation.

observation: in a southern, sordid family, its secrets have become the glue that binds its lunacy, loyalty, and love.

nothingness.

i feel like a carcass that has been gutted. i'm empty inside. i am a hollow shell of myself. i cried myself to sleep last night, and i honestly want to again tonight. she is in charleston, three sheets to the wind, having a grand ol' time, living it up, partying, laughing, and carrying on. i'm at my mother's listening to one of my brothers blow his nose. when will this crippling aching subside? i cannot carry this pain much longer; every breath hurts, every beat of my heart cries for her, every dream yearns for her, for her touch, her caress, her kiss, her love.

i am not coming undone; i am undone. i am nothing. i am not a wife, i am not a partner. i am not me.

i am nothing.

every heart beat hurts.

tonight is a hard night. i am sitting at my new home alone, and she is off living her life. we both need to heal; i am not oblivious to this. but tonight i miss my now ex wife. i miss her terribly. more than anything, i just want to curl up into what was our bed, in our home, with our little fur baby family and go to sleep with the windows open and all of her quilts layered on top of us.

tonight, every tear shed hurts.

living again.

today was an okay day. i could have kicked my mama's behind from here to the mason-dixon line, though. my mama is keeping certain medicines of mine for me and disperses them to me as they are needed. well, she took the wrong medicines with her this morning, leaving the ones she was supposed to take with her. the thing is, is that one of them she took was my blood pressure medication. not. frikkin. good.
last night i had to go to the ER because i was almost positive that the headache i had was due to extremely high blood pressure. my bp was great, actually, so it was just a migraine/cluster headache. yucky. Cheryl took me to the er and had to talk for me until my headache eased off until i could formulte my words into a coherant sentence. it felt nice having her here for the day. i didn't realize until she was here just exactly how much i missed her. it also was not hard as i thought it would be, seeing her. in fact, it was surprisingly easy. (like your mama.) we've decided to heal ourselves before we even give serious thoughts to a possible reunion. which, i'm okay with. it may or may not happen. but my top priority is working on getting me healed.
for the first time in a long while, i can genuinely say that i am okay.

knock, knock. who's there? pandora's box.

have you ever reached the point of maximum capacity? the boiling point? have you ever internally (metaphorically, of course) exploded? i have. i'm now officially the poster child for "that crazy girl" in the group of friends you have.

i'm the girl who now adorns the name tag that says,
"HELLO MY NAME IS: slim shady crazy."

i don't wish to rehash the epic saga of a fairytale gone majorly awry; it still stings too much at the moment. my wife and i of almost five years are no longer. we are separated. will we reunite? i don't know. i do know, however, is that we both need time to heal ourselves. we are in no rush and are plodding along one day at a time. we still love each other with no shadows of doubt lurching around anywhere on that. that's never been the issue. marriage runs on more than love alone. sometimes we get so lost that we forget that and sometimes can't find a way back to where you started. so at 27 years old, i am back with my family; the exact place i need to be to heal myself inside out.
i've been newly diagnosed with severe hypertension, so i am trying to cope with that hurdle as well. i'm once again looking forward t seeing what life brings before me next on the merry-go-round. this experience is definitely not the end of me, no.

i merely was interrupted by lunacy faith, love, and hope knocking at my door to catch my attention.

hope is anew.

a new look, a new start, a new beginnings. girl, interrupted meet atonement, interrupted. onward we go.