sordid ways in a twisted grace

belated update.

2010-07-18T23:32:00.004-04:00

it has seriously been wayyy too long since my last post. sorry, bb's. i'm doing fair. not much has happened, really. family drama (on my mom's side), health issues, and a lot of internal dialogue (soul searching) is really all thats been going on. i have found forgiveness, lost some more sanity, found truths, amongst other things.

grace.

2010-04-15T03:02:00.002-04:00

i entangled myself into jane eyre, then soon found myself ensnared in a novel entitled finding grace. it was as if some cosmic energy meant for me to read finding grace immediately following jane eyre. it was amazing, to say the least. a breath of fresh air.

i'm doing okay. my outlook on things is still quite bland, but i have a shimmer of hope, guiding me from somewhere beneath me. twelve days until my birthday. having much trepidation about it this year. its not like its the big 3-0, or anything. i don't know. right now i feel as though i'm just skating by on grace, and hanging on by a wing and a prayer.

gray.

2010-04-09T00:38:00.000-04:00

Today I’m feeling very depressed. Upon my research, I saw a note in the symptoms of Holt-Oram Syndrome that was called “Psychological Morbidity.” What in the fuck is this shit? Could this be why I have chronic and clinical depression? That it is attributed to this syndrome, as opposed to an alcoholic abusive father who loathed me from the second I was spat into this world?
I don’t know what to do to pull myself out of this hole. The world is gray. Gray skies. Gray outlook on life. I have no hope. I’m not suicidal, don’t misconstrue my words. But I do not dream of goals for myself. I see nothing in my future. I am one of 100 or so people in this universe with this thing (being that the geneticist confirms it.) It has taken away the one hope of having children, which was my dream. That dream, like my heart when I was born, has a hole right through it. I just feel like I am at a standstill in my life and I absolutely despise it.
I don’t know if this is a product of my depression or if this is my devastation taking hold to me like white on rice. I don’t know what to do with my life, with myself, with my future. Del said to write. Well I’m writing. I’m pouring the feelings out of me as tea from a pot. I was born with said hole in my heart, however, I still feel as though I’m not whole. And I haven’t the foggiest as to what to do to rectify this situation.

update.

2010-04-07T23:59:00.003-04:00

Its been a while since I’ve written, and for that I apologize. I’m still settling into this singlehood and am loathing every blasted moment of it. I had this first date with this supposed “soft butch,” who smoked reefer like my Grandma chain smoked cigarettes. Seriously. That most definitely goes down in the handbook of worst first dates EVER.

My depression and anxiety have taken hold to me like Blanche to a new Marine in uniform. I’m actively trying to cope with this thing. I was also diagnosed with high blood pressure. However, because of my “disability,” medical staff have always had to take my blood pressure via a leg cuff. A trip to my pediatric cardiologist this week spawned a new idea; to use a newborn arm cuff on my left arm. And whadoyaknow, my bp was pretty much normal. Said trip to the pediatric cardiologist yielded perhaps a final diagnosis as to what all of my birth defects is. Its called Holt – Oram Syndrome. Quite frankly, it scares the hell out of me. This means that I’d pass it down to my children. I’m exploring my feelings on this.

I contacted a celebrity that I know asking him what direction to go in, because he is a fantastic writer/director/producer. My idol. Del Shores is a beautiful man. My being gay or straight or bi doesn’t matter; he is beautiful. He said to write. So here I sit, writing. A newfound friend told me I needed to peel back the layers of the onion of myself. However, to realize that the outside is the same as the inside; its still an onion. That means I’m going to cry. Damnit to hell, as my Grandma says. Anyways, I bid you goodnight. I am alive, my fellow bloggers.

just breathe.

2010-02-01T02:54:00.003-05:00

starting over. its a blessing and a curse. breath taking and suffocating. sometimes i wonder if i'm doing this damn thing right. where's the guidebook? two steps forwards, five steps back. i outlived the hell that sorry ass son of a bitch put me through to get to this point? why am i having such a hard time now? hell, this shit should be easy. that used to be me. i used to be the queen of starting over. it used to be so easy. (coincidentally, so was i.) i know what it is that i want, but honestly, i'm so damn jaded that... i don't know. i just need to catch my breath.

on with the show.

2010-01-23T01:29:00.002-05:00

its friday night, i'm wide assed awake, theres a girl in my bed with my two furbabies sleeping, a dr pepper by my side and here i sit frumpy as can be. alas, its a 7 year old girl my mom is babysitting and i have to a) sleep on the opposite end of the bed (but with this sprawling spider bed hog, thats not an option) or b) sleep in my sister's room. eh. joy. looking on the bright side, however, my sister did manage to perform a miracle tonight, though. i insisted she bring home a dr pepper for me (as she was out and about on the town) and she shot me down saying she wasn't in her car. after some good old fashioned sisterly brawling, a miracle ensued: she dropped off a dr pepper at my mama's doorstep like a redheaded stepchild on the front steps of a convent in the dead of night. the vatican would laugh if i were to approach them, claiming a true miracle happened: a thoughtful teenager. maybe i could claim mother theresa's characture on my dr pepper bottle? or that mother theresa's holy spirit engulfed my sister's soul, transforming her into a thoughtful teenager? who am i to question such miracles? on with the show!!

violet skies.

2010-01-14T00:55:00.004-05:00

cheryl & i went to atlanta this weekend to see a very sordid affair. it got canceled due to snow but we met everybody at an elite hotel bar. everybody was so down to earth, it was unreal. i got the inside scoops on certain hollywood elites that were fascinating. leave it to me to have a clutz moment. i wore three inch fuck me pumps in a snow and ice covered atlanta and didnt slip. i get to cheryl's house and slip barefooted on a sock and landed on my knee. only me, i tell ya.

i got my truck back, for which i'm grateful and relieved. now i won't be trapped at home any longer. this coming tuesday i may have a possible run-in with my dad and step mom's daughter. we were both invited to a poetry night at a local coffee house. i'm a confirmed guest, she a maybe guest. i don't want any shit. no fake conversation, no nothing. i wanna enjoy my night with my friends and my cousin.

this week is vintage picture week on facebook. i'll leave yall with my vintage picture. its the first time i met reba.

goodbye, 09.

2009-12-31T02:34:00.002-05:00

timing. what a funny, funny bitch. she's perfect. perfectly annoying. and oh.em.gee. sarcasticly cynical in every way possible. she has slutty tendencies by screwin you every now and then. (bitch takes the $20 off ya night stand, too.) she does have a secret though,... she's a secret user. she's a profuse sweater with a ginormous b.o. problem. she's just so damn nit-picky about being exactly perfect. if you're late, you sweat. if you're early, you sweat. i'mma kick a bitch in her taco.

me and time haven't seen eye to eye much this year. this year we're both on crazy meds though. maybe we can get along and play nicely this coming year. ring around the rosie, pockets full of posies, ashes, ashes... bitch gonna fall down when i kick her in the taco.

here's to a new year.

my left tit itches.

2009-12-26T22:32:00.003-05:00

today marks the anniversary of their deaths. two years, i think. it still seems unbelievable that he's dead. i wonder how long it'll be before he's gone. i let my mom read my story that i began. maybe i'll share some of it with yall. if yall have any interest, that is.

this being single shit sucks fat dick. seriously. but my singledom has given me a greater appreciation for my family this holiday season. especially given the bad news we received. its hard to muster compassion for an embodiment of nastiness, even when you know you need to. i feel better in knowing that i am not alone in feeling that though.

i'm uber looking forward to my mini vacation with cheryl to atlanta to see del shores and his husband on their sordid lives tour.

my butt STiLL itches.

2009-12-19T22:20:00.001-05:00

OMFG. if i could get a tattoo again, i know what i'd be getting:

http://ugliesttattoos.com/2009/11/19/funny-tattoos-you-would-see-the-biggest-gift-would-be-from-me/

my butt itches.

2009-12-16T23:01:00.004-05:00

things have been going much better lately. "Right back in my hometown, with my ...family, There’s old friends and new friends, and even a bear..." okay maybe not a bear, but still, it is nice to reconnect with old friends and new friends galore. i have to admit, though, i do feel guilty for going out and socializing so much when cheryl is sitting home. i know that we are broken up, and that it shouldn't matter but damnit, it just feels weird going through my days and weeks without her there day to day. i went back for a weekend with her. we had a blast but it was bittersweet. the dogs acted as if no time or routine had ever changed.

i'm having fun with my friends and family. so thats good. i went to a new doctor here at home and had a horrifical experience. first of all, mind you that i am 27 years old. the new doctor, Dr C, was who i was supposed to have seen and with whom my appointment was made. but the group he's in got it messed up and had me see Dr J. concerned about my anxiety, i spoke with him about my medication. i don't have many options there because of my addictions. he literally got in my face and lectured me on how to manage it. then said he wasn't the doctor who put me on the med i am on, so he couldn't take me off of it.

i take a deep breath and tell this fucker that i am managing my anxiety in the non-medication ways that he "suggested" and informed him that the doctor who placed me on the med for the anxiety is no longer my doctor because i'm no longer an inpatient there anymore. he sticks to his guns, refusing to change my medication. (what the hell is a general practice doctor for, then?!) then he wants to listen to my heart since i am a cardiac baby. after that, i sit up to jump down off of the table. when i did, he said, "good girl."

WHAT KIND OF OUTRIGHT GOD FORSAKEN FUCKERY IS THAT BULLSHIT?! seriously. what. the. fuckity. fuck. my BFF, ashes, went with me. evfen she was sittin there hopin and prayin i didn't kick this holier-than-thou man's ass. and believe you me, it was hard as hell not to do so. stupid fuck. he can go the fuck on somewhere with his bushy ass eyebrows that need to be mowed with a lawnmower. ugh.

pictures.

2009-11-30T00:34:00.003-05:00

mah new hair color. (i was sleepy in this pic, was the reason for the eat shit look.)

Mine.

I present to you, the shrunken headed/lioness mythological creature, post FIRST haircut:

A more normalish looking Sophia that semi-resembles an alien life form.

breathing again.

2009-11-24T22:48:00.002-05:00

things are getting easier. part of me hates that and part of me loves it. i am still sad and hurt; the only difference is, is that i can breathe again. it will truly be okay. i believe that now.

i'm still going stir crazy stuck in the house. the holidays are upon us, so i know it'll be easier soon.

onward st olaf, onward we go...

2009-11-17T22:21:00.003-05:00

i am in my sanctuary, protected by my family. they stand as if they were guarding buckingham palace. as dutifully as they stand, i can't help but to wonder if they are aware of the ongoings behind palace walls. so much chaos, all perfectly aligned. an idiom in itself; the perfect dysfunctional family whose wheels keep turning like a ghetto rigged machine. i find myself knee deep in waters trying to forge my place in this new place. i'm still defying logic by relentlessly remaining stubborn that this is not my home.
my heart is hurting by more than the obvious. friends i thought to be real, was only a mirrored facade. i believed in them with my heart and soul, but to be shafted and cut so cold shows the true nature. old friends from lifetimes ago have reappeared and are helping this transition flow less harsher. its amazing how some friendships stand the test of time, even when you grow up and sometimes apart. its a beautiful thing.

observation.

2009-11-10T00:30:00.003-05:00

observation: in a southern, sordid family, its secrets have become the glue that binds its lunacy, loyalty, and love.

nothingness.

2009-11-08T00:41:00.002-05:00

i feel like a carcass that has been gutted. i'm empty inside. i am a hollow shell of myself. i cried myself to sleep last night, and i honestly want to again tonight. she is in charleston, three sheets to the wind, having a grand ol' time, living it up, partying, laughing, and carrying on. i'm at my mother's listening to one of my brothers blow his nose. when will this crippling aching subside? i cannot carry this pain much longer; every breath hurts, every beat of my heart cries for her, every dream yearns for her, for her touch, her caress, her kiss, her love.

i am not coming undone; i am undone. i am nothing. i am not a wife, i am not a partner. i am not me.

i am nothing.

every heart beat hurts.

2009-11-06T22:07:00.002-05:00

tonight is a hard night. i am sitting at my new home alone, and she is off living her life. we both need to heal; i am not oblivious to this. but tonight i miss my now ex wife. i miss her terribly. more than anything, i just want to curl up into what was our bed, in our home, with our little fur baby family and go to sleep with the windows open and all of her quilts layered on top of us.

tonight, every tear shed hurts.

living again.

2009-11-05T00:48:00.002-05:00

today was an okay day. i could have kicked my mama's behind from here to the mason-dixon line, though. my mama is keeping certain medicines of mine for me and disperses them to me as they are needed. well, she took the wrong medicines with her this morning, leaving the ones she was supposed to take with her. the thing is, is that one of them she took was my blood pressure medication. not. frikkin. good.
last night i had to go to the ER because i was almost positive that the headache i had was due to extremely high blood pressure. my bp was great, actually, so it was just a migraine/cluster headache. yucky. Cheryl took me to the er and had to talk for me until my headache eased off until i could formulte my words into a coherant sentence. it felt nice having her here for the day. i didn't realize until she was here just exactly how much i missed her. it also was not hard as i thought it would be, seeing her. in fact, it was surprisingly easy. (like your mama.) we've decided to heal ourselves before we even give serious thoughts to a possible reunion. which, i'm okay with. it may or may not happen. but my top priority is working on getting me healed.
for the first time in a long while, i can genuinely say that i am okay.

knock, knock. who's there? pandora's box.

2009-11-04T01:29:00.003-05:00

have you ever reached the point of maximum capacity? the boiling point? have you ever internally (metaphorically, of course) exploded? i have. i'm now officially the poster child for "that crazy girl" in the group of friends you have.

i'm the girl who now adorns the name tag that says,
"HELLO MY NAME IS: ~~slim shady~~ crazy."

i don't wish to rehash the epic saga of a fairytale gone majorly awry; it still stings too much at the moment. my wife and i of almost five years are no longer. we are separated. will we reunite? i don't know. i do know, however, is that we both need time to heal ourselves. we are in no rush and are plodding along one day at a time. we still love each other with no shadows of doubt lurching around anywhere on that. that's never been the issue. marriage runs on more than love alone. sometimes we get so lost that we forget that and sometimes can't find a way back to where you started. so at 27 years old, i am back with my family; the exact place i need to be to heal myself inside out.
i've been newly diagnosed with severe hypertension, so i am trying to cope with that hurdle as well. i'm once again looking forward t seeing what life brings before me next on the merry-go-round. this experience is definitely not the end of me, no.

i merely was interrupted by ~~lunacy~~ faith, love, and hope knocking at my door to catch my attention.

hope is anew.

2009-11-01T23:42:00.002-05:00

a new look, a new start, a new beginnings. girl, interrupted meet atonement, interrupted. onward we go.

let the healing commence, already.

2009-10-19T02:01:00.004-04:00

a flurry of emotions has given me virtual frostbite; i feel frozen and just damn numb. things will get better; they have to. my soul, body, heart and mind are jaded. when will the healing begin? i know my love is hurting too. we are both ready for the healing.

finding forgiveness.

2009-10-14T04:15:00.004-04:00

i am a girl with many flaws. my wife will surely agree. one of said flaws is my inability to let go of hurt. i hold onto it as if it were my life preserver in the midst of the Titanic catastrophe. you get to a point in adulthood to where relinquishing hurt is a necessity for survival. question is, what does one do when it is pivotal to do just that and you don't have the tools and mechanisms to do just that? i'm at that place and i don't know what in the hell to do. you'd get better results with al sharpton at an Aryan brotherhood beauty pageant.

as a little girl, that hurt was the only thing i had to hold onto. it was the only thing i had to cherish to be able to connect with my monster, with my dad. he with held all normal fatherly emotion from me. he was never proud of me, he never doted on me, he never ever said the words every daughter needs to hear. that strips away the vital bonding material that glues every parent-child relationship. when there is no glue to hold that necessary relationship in place, unhealthy emotions take that place. every put down, every jab (towards me, my mom, or my mom's family) cemented the ill emotion of hurt. that fosters itself into an awkward and highly unhealthy relationship. the rippling affects of such an easily preventable tragedy touches every single aspect of that child's life and future. if i let go of the hurt, that was equivalent of letting go of my dad. what child wants to do that?

the way he could play puppeteer and manipulate the strings to rain down the ultimate guilt trip for wanting to- or even thinking about- letting him go was nothing short of amazing. like the Vatican convincing the masses that contraceptives are the work of the devil. he learned from the master of manipulation how to make things work exactly the way he wanted. what he wanted was to be able to control me from across town without so much as having to make an appearance in my life. is it any wonder that i was perpetually stuck in a conundrum of purgatorial guilt? i learned to feed off of the hurt. its what sustained my relationship with him until he killed himself and his wife. i no longer wish to be crippled by this disadvantage. i wish to grow. how does one find forgiveness to grow? where does it come from within you? how do you grow forgiveness?

discontented me.

2009-10-12T02:17:00.003-04:00

a shell of my former self;
that is what you see.
these empty smiles are a heavy load;
where is atlas, when need be.
my wet eyes betray me;
for their tears have sought the sea.
a perfectly displayed house of cards is your imagery;
the breath of air robbed from me,
toppled my guard all around me.
through the looking glass you stare;
so pardon me if i converse with the cheshire cat,
but me and alice don't compare.
thrice, i clicked my heels;
still before me are midgets in little green hats.
the margin between sanity and insanity;
chewed through by three blind mice.
back to the land of the living,
back to a reality of pain;
dare i confess,
fiction is best.
but as ol' bill once pondered;
"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon we will mend.
Else the Puck a liar call.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."

happy birthday, baby!!

2009-10-10T23:55:00.004-04:00

first and foremost: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY!! i love you so much!! things will get better, i promise.

apparently the saga of the refridgerator isn't over. just because we finally got the replacement fridge, that's the end of the tale, right? wrong. we got TWO.MORE.FRIKKIN.DOORS. seriously, yall. this brings the total of doors received up to 6. maybe obama needs to have a chat with sears. i mean, if they're wantin to waste money like that, atleast use it for good cause!!

i finally listened to the wife and looked up the side effects of cymbalta. and o.m.f.g. the shit fits me. this damn medicine thats supposed to have been helping me has been hurting me!! sooo talking to the doc about that one. i mean i know that i already had the touch of the crazy, but with this medicine, i AM the crazy. its damn crippling and i detest it. enough already!!

since honey ALREADY WENT TO EAT SUSHI WITHOUT ME today (and YES, honey, THAT is manipulation for a guilt trip...), i don't know what we'll do for sunday, her birthday. i know we've got to get up our halloween decorations though.

undoing.

2009-10-07T01:42:00.003-04:00

back in highschool, our gym teacher would make us do laps around the track by the ballfield. i hated this. i loathed this. i abhorred this. i may have been a little, tiny, 98lb, size 0 young thing (*sigh*) but the fact was, was that i was out.of.shape. i was a true spawn of the 80's; i was a nintendo/super nintendo freak. my generation of gamers defined the worlds of today's world of warcraft freaks. they should pay homeage to us. (whilst it may be true they can kick my ass on their gaming system/PC, i still dare you to find a modern day tweener who's ass i can't stomp at SuperMario World, Super Mario 2 or 3. bring.it.bitches. bring it.)

point is, most of my youth and teen summers were spent rescuing princesses. i was not the athletic type. so as i ran those laps around that god-awful, sweat stenched mile of misery, it would kick my ass. i would get these pains in my chest. it'd hurt to breathe and my heart felt like it raced too damn fast for my own good. (any heart beat rate above the rate at which i beat a mario game was unacceptable.) and this was unnacceptable. it was crippling. my throat felt like it was tightening, my chest writhed in pain, my ears pulsated, i was light headed, and it felt like i was on one helluva tilta-whirl ride at the fair. often the dizzying rate of the outside world revolving around me would drop me to my knees.

as an adult, still with a penchant for SNES, i find that in the real world there are princesses in need of rescuing and that life demands you to run laps around things. often times it can seem like you are playing ring around the rosie, not getting anywhere. i have run this track until i have unearthed the next layer of filament, until my feet have bled raw. my chest is tighter than its ever been, even when i had bronchitis. it hurts so bad that i am grasping for air, for that life nutrient. the poisons i let course through me have starved my soul to its present unrecognizable state. the caked-on dirt itches my thighs where i sit on the ground. the smell of the dew on the grass announces the dawn of a new day. its at last time to make a wish on the last star of night before i breathe in the healing rays of anew.

updates.

2009-10-01T15:57:00.006-04:00

a few quick updates:

*when we initially bought appliances for the house, honey researched all of our options. we eventually settled for the stainless steel, double doored Kenmore. (by the way, who THE FUCK'S idea was it to make the doors of the stainless steels non-magnetic?! i mean, really.) we have the sears warranty on it, for preventitive measures. low and behold, honey discovered several minute acid etchings on the doors. that is not what we paid good money for. so she called sears and they said no problem. they mailed us two replacement doors. the technician would then come to install them. but no; it couldn't be that easy. the doors were banged up on the bottom, obvious from the in-transit journey. so we called them back; they sent a second pair. guess what? the same thing. so by now we have 4, count the, 1, 2, 3, 4, refridgerator doors that we cannot use. honey called them back and they scheduled an appointment for the technician to come. ("anytime between 8 a.m. and 5:30 p.m." don't you just love that shit?! i detest fucking corporations.) so anyways, the dude arrives and deems the doors, in fact, unusable. (gee. really? thanks, einstein.) he says the doors cost sears $400 a piece. that meant that we had $1600 worth of useless doors sitting in their boxes on our front porch. (thus making our house and yard look dangerously close to looking like trash.) dude said that we would get a new fridge. now, we are down to a brand spanking new fridge, with two perfect doors on it, and no doors on our front porch.

*i purchased an adorable little HP Mini with a 10.1 inch screen. its just my size. i got a good price for it, but i tell you. i'm frugle now. so when i had to shell out about $500, i got all flushed in the face. granted the computer wasn't $500, but it totaled about that price with some accessories i got with it. i got honey some CD that she wanted and i got my queen's CD, Keep On Loving You.

*i have a slurry of birthdays in october; my honey, lizasaurus, ashes, mason, and billy. that is a lot of cards and gifts to buy!!

naked.

2009-09-29T21:12:00.004-04:00

i am sick and i am scared. i don't know what will happen and it sickens me to my tummy. i try to talk reason into my psyche by saying, "Sarah, you have anxiety issues. With anxiety comes the feeling of impending doom. Its ok, take a deep breath."
i say it and logically i see its true, but it seems like i am in the death grip of fear. fear is the spider that is cacooning me. concentrate on my school work, i think. if i can just do that and get through this semester passing all of my classes, i can do it.
i have these feelings i cannot further explain. she says they make no sense; have no basis. maybe thats how she sees it. but not for me. she says its all in my head, and maybe it is, i don't know. but i absolutely loathe being told that things are all in my head. it makes me feel powerless and unstable. characters from many chapters ago did the same to me, fostering an insecure sense of self. it helped create a girl who truly believed that she wasn't worthy of love. i have fought from the pits of hell (that i chained myself into) to undo that line of thinking and feeling. so to have her, my equal, throw those unintending barbs at me hurt. i know what i feel, i know why i feel it, and just because you can't see my perspective doesn't discredit me.
i am my own self, you are your own self. you are my equal; not my lesser, not my greater. when i expressed myself, you threw as many barbs as you could at me, to try and discredit my emotions. understandably you were defensive. some of the things you said took my breath away. like the Dementors tried to take Harry's soul. visually thats how it felt when you said that.
i am not perfect, i have made an ass load of mistakes. i have corrected my actions and still am actively correcting some behaviors. its all a learning process. there is no finish line and grand prize for learning to give and take. no confetti, no balloons. merely silent victories. i have come far from where i was when we met, and i still have a ways to go. i may not agree with you on things and i may be pissed, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, unappreciated, loved, happy, blissful, exuberent...
one thing i have never done or will do is discredit you as a person. that is who i fell in love with, who i married, and who i am with. that is an injustice. i am trying hard as i can to move on from this, to leave it be. and honestly i simply keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation on the subject. every couple known to mankind has its ups and downs. i am eagerly looking forward to climbing up this hill with my equal, my wife, my partner. i do so love you.

Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you

yoda's daily thought.

2009-09-29T00:18:00.000-04:00

it is sometimes the silence that speaks the loudest.

feast your eyes on this horrendous creation of the south.

2009-09-27T19:19:00.006-04:00

We made it to Charleston and back without my being a bitch... THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, VIRGINIA!! And that's all I'll say about that. The following are pictures of random stuff. Enjoy!!

The first horrendous item that your eyes will be forever scarred by, is PICKLED BOLOGNE. Yes. Pickled bologne. Its round like sausage links but really thick. Perhaps an inch or so in diameter. Some of the shit they pickle down here in the deep South scares me. Seriously.

The second item is what I saw on the side of a White Ford Explorer at my school. For every door, there was a different Kool- Aide color. And as you can see, the door to the right of the yellow is green. LOVING Oburg!! Such class!!

This is what happens when you put too much soap in a fancy front load washing machine. At least I didn't pull a Brady Bunch fiasco with it!!

Honey & her Daddy cleared out part of our yard and it looks AMAZING now. It doesn't look trashy anymore!! (There were leftover items there from us building the house.)

joe blows.

2009-09-24T23:54:00.012-04:00

okay i have a question for yall ~~stalkers~~ readers.

am i being unfair, unjust, being a tee-total bitch, or do yall think
i have grounds for my opinion? here's the quick run-through
of the story.



i met a kid i'll call "joe," at school in my psyche class.
i decked him as a fellow gay and in time,
like always (ahem, Cheryl), i was proven right.
we got to be close quickly but as the semester
progressed, he reconnected with old friends and made
new ones. since he is a small town southern queer,
this is to be expected. i even left him a card on his car
for his birthday. once he began hanging out with the
aforementioned friends, suddenly his demeanor
shifted. he no longer had time for me,
or for me and Cheryl.












when honey and i lived at the other house two years ago,
we had a big blowout cookout for my birthday party that'd
i'd planned way in advance for. i invited joe. i even kept
reminding him about it. his ambiguous answer bugged
me, but i let it go. he told me shortly before the party
that he'd have to see what else came up. finally, DURING
the party, he calls me and says that something came up
and he couldn't make it. the following day i found out the
thing that came up was a spur of the moment trip to a gay
bar in columbia with another lesbian couple and another queer.
that hurt my feelings. then honey and i had a get together
that we invited him to. again, the exact same thing occurred.
of all the times i asked him to meet up to hang out or just to
socialize he did meet up with me i'd say, 1 out of 3 times.
once i had to go to the neighboring small town of st. matthews
to go to the Pig, so i called him to see if he'd meet me there.
i'd just finished talking to him via the interwebs and he said
he was taking a break from studying and just playing around
and that he was bored. once i got to the Pig, i called him. his
response? "its 7 miles down the road. i'd have to get in my
car and come, i'm too lazy." yeah. i was so displeased on
that one. somewhere in the midst of this he and i had a talk
about him needing to be a better friend and about giving me
non-ambiguous answers ahead of whatever event so that
i would not be holding onto false hope. that obviously flew
right out the window. and finally there was the time that i
called him in crying hysterics because honey and i had a spat
which thoroughly upset me. instead of attempting to comfort
me in any capacity, he started talking about his flavor of the
month. i had to fight to bring the conversation back around
to why i was calling, and when i finally succeeded, his tone
of voice change to the "i don't give a shit" attitude. he then
quickly had to go.
























so i ask yall, am i wrong or right in feeling slighted by
this boy? that he obviously doesn't think enough of our
friendship to matter to him? i realize he cannot be
at my every beckon call or that he is the sun to my earth.
i don't expect nor want that. but am i being bitchy for
expecting to get in return what i give into a friendship?
have yall ever had this happen before? if so, what became
of it? he asked me why i didn't talk to him anymore (after
not talking to me for months) so i told him. and he
got pissed. then the usual excuses came in; school work,
he had a man he could only see once a week, he was
busy, etc. the same god damn jargon as every time before.
any advice on this situation? leave it in my comments.
please. i'm eager to get your opinions to see if i'm
being a bitch or being fair.


and for a wee bit of comedic relief purposes,
i bring you two LoL's!!

faith in love.

2009-09-23T15:31:00.008-04:00

to say things have been a little tense around here is an understatement. that's okay though. everything in life has its ups and downs. every relationship has a rough patch here and there every now and then. while its true that sometimes love just isn't enough in a relationship, love IS enough to comfort and sustain you through these rough patches. i don't have faith in a lot of things, being the ever quirky, mistrustful pessimist that i am, but i do have faith in love. and right now, that love is acting as the bridge to "cross over troubled waters."

i have been sick for about the past two weeks; i just can't seem to shake this damn thing. i have been to the doctor, had a round of antibiotics, a round of cough syrup, and tested negative for the H1N1 (swine) flu. i don't know whats wrong with me. but i feel uber yucky.

honey pot mowed the grass this week and our furbabies watched her. it was so cute. i realized that harley and sophia's ears are almost identical in the way they hold them; like chihuahua brother, like chihuahua sister. sophia seems to have discovered that she can pick on lizards, since they are just her size. so far she's tortured two. bush's water boarding doesn't have shit on sophia's torture attacks!!

dumbasses: PAY ATTENTION!!

2009-09-20T01:20:00.003-04:00

when baking blue berry muffins, i urge you to heed to my advice: when the package says ONLY add 1/2 cups of milk, do so. do NOT be lazy and attempt to measure it out with a 1/3 measuring cup. you WILL fuck it up. this is NOT a maybe you will, this is a definite, you WILL fuck it up. when you do fuck it up, here is the outcome: the blue berries sink to the bottom of the said "muffins," which also adopt the consistency of cornbread. bon appetit!

life, it goes on...

2009-09-18T23:34:00.011-04:00

***EDITORIAL NOTE: THIS POST WAS MEANT TO BE POSTED ON 9/18/09***

i am a taurus. taureans do not like change. in fact, we staunchly abhor it. like oil and water, fire and ice, bill o'reilly and rosie o'donnell, kanye west and taylor swift, michael jackson and children (ooooh, too soon?)... i also have this ever-so-slight "flaw," where i have this irritating obsession to be in control of stuff. it is an incessant character trait that i excersize over the most trivial of junk. i am also stubborn. i am stubborn to a humiliating fault. i have a routine in my life, in our life. it is like that of a human beating heart; any interruption to the consistent beating throws the whole ensemble out of whack.
i tell you these things about me so that i may tell you this: (metaphorically, of course) there was once a girl about week or two ago who had to sneeze, but this particular sneeze she severely misjudged. it was no little wuss sneeze, no, it was a fierce one. (as you know, sneezes stop the heart and come out the same force as the wind speed of a hurricane. therefore sneezes truly do pull a number on your body.) the sneeze that this girl sneezed was bigger than her, for when it came upon her, a cocktail of phlegm and spit spewed forth 100 yards, she whizzed a lil bit on herself, and simultaneously misjudged a fart for a stank shart. this was a nasty sneeze. it contaminated the air around her and threw her balance off whack quite severely. the aftershocks of said sneeze could be felt for days and days to follow.

it hurt her heart, writhed her tummy into knots that were horrendous, had her seeing spots, tightened her chest where she had to gasp for air, played topsy turvy with her equilibrium, and always somehow smelled a whiff of shit where ever she was. this sneeze hurt. and every time her nose got stopped up, her tummy ached all the more in fear of another heart stopping sneeze.
but life goes on and your body eventually heals. right now i'm still aching quite terribly and live in fear of another sneeze that i don't see coming. being blind sighted and scared senseless hurts. my heart hurts. my soul hurts. my meltdown of tears revealed too much vulnerability than i cared to show. moving on and moving forward should never hurt, should never feel like a stake in the heart. there are worse things in life, yes, i'm acutely aware. but there are better things too, this i know. there are ups and downs in everything in life; relationships, gravity, hard-ons, musical notes, wealth, intelligence, grades,... love. and that's all i'll say about that.

today marked twelve years since i lost my angel. this world is truly empty without her. i did get an affirmation from her today, if you believe in that, which i do. a story ran today on AOL that did it for me, that was her means of telling me she's still with me in spirit.
"The choice fell on the late king's niece -- Bartels, who has been working as a secretary at the Ghanaian Embassy in Washington for the past 30 years. She learned about it in a late-night telephone call from a relative, who addressed her as "Nana" -- a title Ghanaians accord people of stature."
i love you, my Nana. thank you for saving me and making me into who i am today.

"...So when you leave me not knowin', where you're goin', I start thinkin' that we're lookin', we're lookin' at goodbye. How about a strong shot of honesty, don't you owe that to me... If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you, If you don't get drunk on my kiss, If you think you can do better than this, then I guess we're done, Let's not drag this on, Consider me gone..."

there's too much pain & not enough love in this world.

2009-09-14T20:53:00.005-04:00

what can i say about this weekend? it was ROUGH. rougher than the leg hairs on a lumberjack dyke who lives on the land out west somewhere. it hurt. flat out, hurt.
but that has taken back seat to a much bigger heartache; honey's cousin passed away this morning. i know the heartache of the universe stealing a loved one from this realm all too soon. that loved one died september 18th, 1997. that twelfth anniversary is in just 3 days. everything happens in three's. when my Nana died, that too, occurred in three's: Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, and my Nana. my heart, soul, and all the love i can give are with my Honey Pot & her family. i love you, my pookie-doodlebug.
well today, honey's cousin died, along with patrick swayze. who's numero tres? last time i questioned this, freaking michael jackson died.

somebody, stop it.

2009-09-12T12:58:00.001-04:00

i feel like i'm on a train wreck- i can't stop it.

my heart feels like its breaking.

2009-09-10T23:53:00.001-04:00

Shaved my BOTH twin brothers' peach fuzz mustaches for the first time. AW!!

thursday morning ramblings.

2009-09-09T20:01:00.003-04:00

last night, honey pot took a stern tone with me to "order" me to go to the local urgent care facility here in florence. i hemmed and hawed, as i hate going to those places. somewhere in the back of my mind, i think that the reason the doctors that work in these doc-in-the-box places either failed med school, are a con artist, a doctor who got fired from some super esteemed medical facility, a doctor who is being slapped with a punishment from the medical licensing board, or one of those "self sacrificing" people who is single handedly trying to save the world from one thing or another.

either way, my lil brother accompanied me to help me talk since i was having technical difficulties doing so. my symptoms were so bad that they were semi-reminiscent of my migraine days; my vision was not at its top peak, as the light hurt my eyes, and i found it difficult to formulate sentences. i got antibiotics, nasal spray, and a mild pain killer. they tested me for swine flue, but upon my rectal examination, they found no corkscrew tail. ;-)

during my appointment, the nurse asked if he was my son. this is the second time this has happened this weekend. what is this fuckery?! my bob. i'm 27, he's two months shy of being 14. ohmystars. i would have been 14 when i had him. no ma'am, that didn't occur. not.at.all. am i looking that old? that hagard? that jaded? what is the universe doing? fucking with me because my biological clock is madly ticking? thanks. thanks a lot, asshole.

drastically changing the subject here,... but i just read that ellen is replacing paula 'abdrool' on american idol. interesting replacement. very interesting. but i guess we shall see how this equasion factors out.

labor day vacation.

2009-09-08T22:22:00.007-04:00

my adorable bloggers, i've not forgotten you; i've been on vacation with the crazy crew that is my family. overall the trip went great. i do have some remaining sanity left in tact. that totally surprised me, by the way. the majority of my family retreated down to cherry grove beach to a house that belongs to a family member of a family friend. there were quite a few hairy moments during the trip, but overall, it was great.
one favorite moment was a dry ice bomb. that was pretty awesome. then another favorite moment was when we caught some crabs in the crab trap, them bitches was fuckin!! seriously!! attached and everything!! we began packing up the vehicles yesterday when one baby brother got over zealous in his efforts to haul items to various vehicles and tripped on the stairs. long story short, we think he broke his elbow into two places. he went to get a permenant cast today but the swelling was too great for them to properly do so. he has to wait two weeks for new xrays to determine the course of treatment.
naturally i got home to mom's and was a-okay. i woke up this morning sick as a damn dog. idk, so don't ask. i'm going to the doc-in-the-box in the morning. but i was fine the entire trip to the beach, then BAM!! ugh. atleast its not a possible broken elbow like my lil brother. included are beach pics. enjoy!!

the ENTIRE time, sophia (wee-one) pulled her manipulative i'm-so-feeble-hold-me-bullshit. as you can see, one aunt fell for her antics.

the epitome of a vacation, right here, yall. suck it, betches!!

the crabs were attached and gettin jiggy wid it!!

na-na-na-na-na-na, get jiggy wid it....

a humongus hole the twins and their friend dug on the beach; they're pretty proud of it.

front of the house.

the first crab we caught.

the dry ice bomb. heh.

the canal we were on.

"...the bitch is back,...." ~elton john. (my aunt.)

who's jumpin in the canal first?

that shit was chill-ayyyyyyyyyyy

sunday randomness.

2009-08-30T16:55:00.002-04:00

we went riding on the four wheeler today and we spotted this stuffed bear lying on a fallen log. how random.

our children know not the meaning of privacy. even whilst you are trying to utilize the loo.

silliness.

2009-08-30T02:13:00.005-04:00

Let it be dually noted that the aforementioned serial assailant has now escalated his crimes to a whole new level; murderer. BOLO: Jackson is a 3.5 year old male 'dapple' Wiener Dog, at approx. 16-19ish pounds (fluctuating weight is in direct correlation with visits to Grandma's house) and should be considered slobbery and stoned. (Frog paraphernalia has been found in the line of his path.) If spotted, provide him with a Frog so he'll be stoned (semi-sedated) until the proper authorities arrive.

WARNING: DO NOT BE FOOLED BY BEAUTIFUL DACHSHUND EYES OR BIG WET NOSE OR WONDERFUL DOXIE KISSES!!

my father-in-law has a beer can sitting atop his tractor's exhaust pipe. this is not the first time this phenomena has taken place on any of his tractors. in the below pictured tractor, there was another bottle of alcohol posted atop the exhaust pipe. however, that bottle was a glass beer bottle. such silliness easily amuses me.

oh the humility!!

2009-08-29T18:36:00.002-04:00

there is a disturbance in the force somewhere, because our dachshund, jackson has been on a rampage in the past week. this serial assailant has been targeting kermit the frog's relatives. when questioned about this blatant prejudice against his own kind, kermit stated, "if this were a homophobic incident, or great heavens help us if it'd been an racial attack, there would be outrage! where is the outrage?! now if you'll excuse me, i must go seek out gloria allred, the reverend al sharpton, and PETA. this is a great injustice to the amphibian class."

have you ever scared the shit out of a lizard? well i have. check that one off my bucket list. :-)

suck it, Bama!!

2009-08-28T23:48:00.004-04:00

too many deaths lately. way too many. virginia tech students, DJ AM (the guy who was with Travis Barker in the deadly plane crash here in Columbia, SC), Dominick Dunne, Ted Kennedy, that model that got stuffed into a suitcase by her husband who was on some trashy-ass VH1 "reality show" (that obviously attains its contestants from the likes of here and broke down strip joints where you can snort a line of coke off of a two cent slut from Alabama called "Bama Baby" for an additional $5), Sam the koala, and Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

its time to take hold those you love, get em close, hug em, and say ya love em.

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.”

2009-08-28T01:09:00.010-04:00

i apologize for not really writing any lately; i've come down with a temporary case of the blues. recently i had to change my anxiety medication from effexor to lexapro so i imagine that probably has something to do with it. my body is adjusting to the change. and bless my stars!! i hate it, more than anything. i must be patient though and ride it out, as with everything, it will balance itself out, so says the miniature, wise little Buddha/Yoda creature in mah head...

school has been going well thus far. no complaints as of yet, other than there is NO.WORLDLY. REASON.FOR.A. THREE.HOUR.LAB. ...NONE. WHATSOFUCKINGEVER. as a matter of fact, i'm going to ask my friend who works at my school, to find out who's ingenious idea it was to have labs that length of time, so i can politely go and knock on their door and go all chuck norris/jujitsu on their tacos (or balls, whichever the case may be). five minutes feels like five hours. i swear to bob. its a good thing the teacher's accent is kinda hot, otherwise i'd have NOTHING to do in there. (she's a NC farmer's daughter. 'nough said.)

i have a family vacation coming up soon for the holiday. it...should be interesting, to say the least of it. my semi-psychotic, hippie, nonsensical, semi-tatty, sordid, pothead aunts and uncles and cousins, and then my oh-so-well-behaved-thirteen-year-old-brothers-with-add-who-know-EVERY-FUCKING-THING-in-the whole-god-damn-world. let's not forget my darling, adorable, mommy's little princess (Sophia), then the other two spawns of satan that belong to my family (their dogs). be it that we don't all commit homicide by the end of the trip, it should prove to be a very eventful weekend. hopefully i will also get to see some friends of mine who'll be down that way anyways

i had this dream last night that i was shopping for rings in a funky store, that i got lost in the clothes racks because the clothes were all too fluffy or some shit. think like 80's madonna tutu-style clothing. yeah. then, i walked out the store without paying for two rings that i had on my finger. so in a sense, i reckon i was a damn shoplifter. nice. then, some fool started shootin up the place inside a place that very much resembled morrison's cafeteria. do yall remember that place? it was a staple in our mall for like most of the 90's, i think. it was pretty yucky food, but it filled you up and shut you up without emptying your mama's wallet. it was kind of like a low rent version of a ryan's steakhouse. mmmmm... i used to be so in love with their macoroni and cheese. that was SLAMMING!! so cheesy, but not too much, and creamy as all get out. yummy!! wait, what was i talking about? oh right; the dream. any ideas? wonder what that all means? by the way- i didn't get shot in it. any input would be awesome.

dachshund googly goodness.

2009-08-27T13:53:00.002-04:00

Things I Want To Do To My Dachshund While He's Sleeping, per http://ow.ly/lyuM

1) Take an ice cube, tape it to my nose, and jam it into their armpits.

2) Use my body to make it perfectly clear that I can only sleep exactly where their limbs rest. I'm talking UNDER that leg.

3) Take ear-sized leather flaps and whip them back and forth on their faces just to let them know that I'm awake.

4) Repeat #2 with something tail sized.

5) Shove. Hard. Using both feet AND hands.

6) Show them what it's like to wake up with someone snout-deep in your ear.

7) Kiss them on the cheeks all cute like...then throw up next to their faces.

8) Loudly drink out of their water dish until they wake up, leaving them to wonder how many other times I've done that.

9) Work up a supernatural level of heat yet demand to sleep on top of them.

10) Wake them up urgently, demand that they follow me to the bathroom, and then refuse to pee until I've sniffed everything and waited to see if they would make me breakfast first

***I DO think an amendment should be added: pouncing on their rib cages, cutting off their air supply, while licking em in the face!

GPS systems.

2009-08-27T00:20:00.003-04:00

GPS Dachshund says, "Dis not way to Grandma's!!"

Backup ChiWeenie GPS agrees.

Hell hath no fury like a Dachshund upset over leaving Grandma's house.

who wants to go out?!

2009-08-25T14:35:00.002-04:00

perfection.

2009-08-23T02:52:00.002-04:00

just when i think i can't love her anymore, she goes and says this!!

snip this.

2009-08-21T00:30:00.007-04:00

this week has been a busy one, for me that is. school started back. this is the first semester that i've been back since the bastard killed himself and his wife. i actually feel like my head is attached to my body again. i don't feel like a walking target for poisonous and false allegations to them anymore. those that know me, and know me well, know my stance. they know (some of) the suffering and the sheer horror. some have said to me that they could not understand why i went to the visitation & funeral. how, after all was said and done (on both sides, because i am not innocent either), how i could go there in front of their peers. how could i pay respects to this man.

i couldn't answer that for a while but now i know. i didn't pay respects to him; i wanted to make sure the SOB was dead. i felt bad that she died. i still do. she didn't deserve it, especially at his hands. i never wished it upon either of them. i wished every and anything else (but that) upon him. the fact remains as this: i went to the funeral because the little girl inside of me was this man's genetic daughter. it is that little girl who, at three years old, sat in her mama's lap in a pink leotard with a matching tutu, tiara and wand, cried out in pain for her daddy to come home. i cried so hard that i cried myself to sleep. even at that age, i knew enough to know this man didn't want to be my daddy. this was a man who was too embarrassed to take me to get a haircut when my parents were still married. my mom got me all dressed up for him to take me. instead his ego and vanity drove us around and i returned home to my mom without a haircut. if i recall correctly, this is a man who reeked of alcohol as his only child, barely a toddler, had very serious open heart surgery.

it still hurts. my temper still flares. but the tears have stopped. i've had enough. in a few months i'm changing my last name, and if you ask me, it should've been done over twenty years ago. its the last string. and i can't wait to snip that bitch either. "here's a hair cut for ya, daddy. so suck it."

i truly can't wait. i believe it'll give me that last bit of freedom, that last molt; to shed any of his attachment to me. if i could strip half my dna to be rid of his toxicity, i damnit would. i'm doing what should have been done decades ago. one thing i'll never comprehend; if he reputed me so badly, why oppose my mom having 100% full custody, why not relinquish parental rights, why oppose the adoption? amidst all of the anguish, hatred, and spite, i think that is perhaps the most evil thing he did... not letting me go. i just won't ever understand that level of hatred. that level that he and his family feed and breed upon. its beyond me.

...but anyways. changing the subject dramatically... i'm going home friday for the weekend, even though honey disagrees. i hate being home alone. i hate being home alone on weekends. i hate being home alone on weekends without friends or family. even though it wears me out, i absolutely adore spending time with my friends and family. its uber cathartic.

oh and btw yall, i was wrong about the michael jackson thing... apparently, he's still chillin in a freezer. just... nastayyyyyyy. yuck.

i have been too damn slack on it, but i must pick it back up...

GIST #9: I am thankful for my family's unconditional love.

(yes, the picture is like 7 years old.)

strength & grace.

2009-08-16T16:37:00.003-04:00

here it is, the night before school officially starts. i'm anxious as hell. i'm okay with my teachers, so its not that. i think its the sheer size of the expected crowd. that always brings me down to my knees because for the most part, i can't stand people. people are just too stupid for their own damn good. but alas, life goes on. (and the stupid people just sit 'n spin for eternity.)

with every new semester i can't help but to think of my darling favorite redhead, reba. she sings so sweetly, so fiesty, so boldly. she dares to question it, and in so dupes you into questioning your own life without even realizing what she's gotten you to do. that's a true artist, somebody who broadens your horizons; in my opinion, anyways. on her GIANTS program, when this song was performed, they listed quote after quote from people who were inspired to return to school because of her. (the show honoring country GIANTS, as it suggests, named her its "Inaugural Honoree.") that's mah girl.

whatever higher power is out there, please give me strength & grace tomorrow. maybe i'll simply take my cue from Reba.

"...Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change...

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there"

hum drum, evryday life.

2009-08-14T18:15:00.002-04:00

not too much to report on today. honey is out passing out fliers about the theft of her father's car. i fear its too late; thugs run this county. however i admire her tenacity, her dedication, and her loyalty to her daddy's prized possession.

earlier we took all three furbabies to the vet for an over due nail trimming. leave it to the littlest one to cause the most trouble. it was so cute when the minute vet tech had trouble holding our little chubster weiner dog, jackson, up in her arms. you see, a week at grandma's never fails to fatten him up,... never. and the crazy thing about it, is he's not really fat. the dog is all freakin muscle. but my word!! one would like to doubt his lineage of belonging to the minature group of dachshunds!!
we don't have much going on this weekend, as it is our last before school begins. i'd wanted to go swimming maybe tomorrow, but i guess we will see.
hope yall all have a fantastical weekend!!

incalculable cuteness.

2009-08-12T23:36:00.003-04:00

note: the simultaneous waggling tails AND Sophia's ear action.

/sigh.

my children are too damn adorable.

on we go...

2009-08-11T16:36:00.002-04:00

its official: i feel like poop. flat.out.feel.like.nasty.poop. who the hell knows why. but it sucks. thank gawd i stayed home today, because had i been out in public when... an attack... hit me, i'd have looked like a mad woman on the hunt for any halfway functioning toilet in this south carolina humid august heat. fun times!!

i'm headed up to school tomorrow to finalize my class schedule, and get the necessary books and such. i'm nervous about returning to school, but i feel like i'm ready to tackle it again. this will be the first time since the bastard killed himself that i feel okay enough to really give it a good go. i tried to go back twice before, but my anxiety damn near crippled me in trying to do so. i'd be sitting there, trying to take a math class and bam! an anxiety attack out of NOWHERE.

i'd see my wretched aunt informing me that i have my father's chin,... AS WE STOOD IN FRONT OF HIS CASKET LOOKING AT HIM. gee, thanks. that family always knew how to make me feel special. or i'd relive the tee-total humiliation of having the whole god damn town hear that i was disinherited. then living with the further humiliation of having people feel sorry for me. the whole damn thing just sucked. but alas, i am at a place that i am relieved he is gone. i have the rest of my life to live freely from my childhood monster, and that in itself, is THE BIGGEST AND BEST gift he could have ever given me. inheritance or not.

i am fully aware of who my real family is, who my wonderful and true friends are, and how fortunate and blessed i am to have a great spouse who loves me unconditionally. we built our dream house, have a house full of furbaby critters, and in general, a really great life. i am coming to realize that maybe the secret to this whole thing is indeed love. i'm not at a place of forgiving him, by any means; in fact, i'm nowhere near it. but one day, i can and will. and when that day arrives, that's okay. its just not today.

any violation sucks.

2009-08-09T22:27:00.004-04:00

why do people steal? to attain things they want,... yes, i'm aware of that much. recently, my F-I-L was on the shit end of somebody's jealousy stick. a prized spot in his carport will now be empty. that'll be the first time that spot under his carport has been empty since 1987. 1987, people. 22 years.

okay so it was just a material object that was taken, so it is not life threatening. but what it is, is a blatant violation. a violation of all sorts. no vehicle of mine was ever taken, but i was robbed of my sense of safety in my own home. my childhood home was robbed by somebody who took very very very specific things. the intruder KNEW what he was taking, even the police said so. the reason they said this is because anything that could have been sold for any monetary value was NOT taken; computers, TVs, etc.

what was taken were things that were VERY sentimental to my parents and myself. as a matter of fact, something that was taken, in particular, was in a LOCKED BOX. the intruder specifically knew where to find that key to get the box (which was in an entirely different location than the box), as opposed to simply breaking it open. old habits die hard. (meaning, if one finds hiding places, they may keep them reguardless of what house or spouse they have at the time. i.e.- if one hides their credit cards in their freezer, they may do so from early adulthood until death; even through numerous marriages and divorces. hence; old habits die hard...)

an everyday intruder would not do such a thing; they'd trash 'n grab. this person even went through my room, rifled through ALL of my CDs and only took my prized collection of Reba CDs... and that alone. at this age, this was MY WORLD. this was how i disappeared from him, from the world. i hid in her lyrics, in her voice. this was part of my self made sanctuary. a normal thief would grab 'n go with CDs, not sort through them. there are numerous other circumstances that pointed police to a specific individual responsible for this break-in.

when the criminal WAS caught, he flat out REFUSED to give up who hired him. he ADMITTED it was a hired hit. what i remember is coming home to discover the house broken in. i held myself together very well as i alerted my neighbors and my parents. but when the officer asked me if i had any idea who'd have done this crime, i lost it. my heart skipped a beat and my mind stopped spinning. it zeroed in. no tears were shed until that precise moment. it was then i feared for my safety and everyone else's whom i loved. I WAS A CHILD. A CHILD. why'd i fall apart? because only ONE person came to mind. it was the ONLY thing to make sense. as far as the little bitch who did the time for the crime, he did state he was too scared to give up who hired him. that was one of THE.WORST heart breaks my evil biological sperm donor EVER gave me. i once grew the balls to finally ask him about it... he smirked, laughed, and cracked open his precious Budweiser. (is there any wonder why i still have issues with the bastard?)

---police were never able to establish who hired the criminal so i am NOT naming his actual name even though everybody already knows... so just shut the fuck up to anybody reading this in Florence ...and btw, IF and only IF that IS you who keeps "accidentally" calling me, STOP. point blank, stop.---

this almost melted my cold wittle heart.

2009-08-07T12:34:00.000-04:00

sordid, morbid fascination.

2009-08-06T17:59:00.004-04:00

i just saw a post somewhere that says it has just been confirmed where michael jackson will be buried. ew!! dude has been chillin (pun intended) in a freezer somewhere, still sportin the white glove, waitin on whatever powers that be to decide where the fuck to bury him? that's just nastayyy. i mean, think of his three children: how do you think it affected them knowing that he's been dead for like, what, 6 weeks, and he's hangin out in some freezer somewhere.
then i also read that evidently the hair that was burned off of his head during the infamous pepsi commercial is going to be sent off to a lab to be made into a diamond. what.kind.of.outright.fuckery.is.that.

the whole damn story from beginning to today is about as morbid as the twisted tale of hollywood can get. i cannot see the allure of fame. not at that cost.

florida.

2009-08-04T21:28:00.009-04:00

i need a vacation from our vacation. seriously. i won't sit here and pretend that a good time was not had, but i won't sit here and pretend all was perfectly rosie either. geeze, louise!! the pre-vacation drama was enough to warrant a meltdown worthy of a 5150 hold. britney spears ain't seen nothin like this!! sheer determination to seek out a middle ground of compromise held tight and proved initially fruitful... until the morning of departure. and that's when it all began...

jibs and jabs were exchanged prior to and during the approximately eight hour drive to lakeland, florida. one would think that's to be expected, as being confined in tight quarters with three additional people for extended periods of time can cause irritability. but noooooo... as fate would have it, that was just the beginning of our fun.

this is what exactly occured within the first HOUR of our arrival to our destination:
- a completely unecessary jab from the mother in law. (kudos to me for not retalliating. seriously, yall.) - the a/c unit was not working, so the place was H-O-T-T-E-R than balls covered in tobasco in a frying pan. the honey was able to get it turned on. - i go to the bathroom. (i realize that's tmi, but its imperative to the storyline.) then we proceed to unload the car. i was the last one out the door, as i was in the bathroom. i shut the door behind me to let the cool air cool down the house. BAD FRIKKING MOVE. i locked us out; keys, phones and all. honey fixed that too. - then honey needed to utilize the bathroom... and guess.what. THERE WAS NO WATER. by this point, we're all like, "what.the.fucking.bloody.hell?!" well... my honey is AWESOME, because she fixed that too. my wife pretty much fucking rocks, yes i know.

it was mostly smooth sailing after that catastrophe. the wife and i pondered what the hell happened. it was mentioned that the evil biological sperm donor's mother hexed us/me. it was a good snicker, but i'm tellin ya,... somethin out there was against us being there in florida. we forged ahead with a trip to a snazzy place with buffetts of all styles: hibatchi, sushi, and american. i gortged out on crab legs, honey on sushi, and Laverne on a lil bit of everything. we even tried frog legs; it DOES INDEED taste like chicken. bland chicken with toothpick cartiledge lookin legs.

we spent the next day lounging at the pool, enjoying the beautimus florida weather and watching the canadian/yankee old people socialize. that was a hoot in itself. after that, the honey cooked up some beaufort stew and alaskan king crab legs. so that was an awesome day in more ways than one. definitely MUCH better than the day prior!! we enjoyed the majority of the next day at indian shores/rocks beach and took a spin through clearwater beach. superb awesomeness. what WASN'T awesome was that i began to look like the crab i ate the night before. red skin isn't attractive on us fair skinned carolina girls. bah!! i got burnt on my lower legs and back of my thighs and buttcheeks. don't LoL, 'cuz that shit ain't funny, whores.

the ride home... was less than pleasurable. but we all made it home in one piece so its all good. we immediately went to retrieve my precious and precosious Wee-One, Sophia. she LITERALLY hollered at us for like, twenty minutes. have you ever had a dog yell at you? it isn't very friendly to thy ears... believe me. (and i'm saying that, deaf as i am!!) she missed me (us) so much, that when i took my bath, she curled up on the pants i had on. i had them on the floor next to the tub and she curled right up for a nap, as you can see. all is as it should be now. (excluding the homecoming of our other two furbabies, as they are still with their grandmama.) we learned our lessons on this vacation as to how to properly do next time we go. all in all, i'm glad we went, but i am glad we are home in one piece.

omg.

2009-07-28T17:54:00.000-04:00

todays and yesterdays.

2009-07-26T15:53:00.011-04:00

last night i washed, dried, and folded MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of laundry. good golly!! how in the world do TWO PEOPLE have SO DAMN MANY dirty clothes?! i pondered this very question as i sat on our back porch last night around ten. that's when i saw the magic of a sultry southern night; fairies. (okay maybe not fairies, but fireflies.) the back of our house faces the woods, which surround our entire house. i was enclosed within a trove of happy, fluttering fairies dancing the night away. i sat back and enjoyed the awesome magic of the amazing carolina twilight.

back in high school, i had many self sworn mortal enemies. the majority of my own foolish doings. but then again, just about anything we did back in high school was foolish and immature so there really is no use in attempting to justifying it. but i digress, in high school i was on the school paper for three years. two of which, i proudly served as the assistant editor. and let me tell you,... come my final year on the paper, i was fuming. i felt i had proved myself worthy of the editor position. hell, i would have gladly compromised with co-editor. who honestly knows if i did actually prove myself worthy enough for that title. i can tell you one thing, though, in my head, i damn deserved that shit with royal treatment. that's a teenager for you though, isn't it? they think they deserve everything. why? "gah, as IF you HAVE to ask!!"

this girl, who took the editorship seat from my rightful position- i felt- it was on like a pot o' neck bones. we had our squabbles mostly in our senior year. all seething, simmering, passive aggressive and vicious as bitchy teen girls could be. of course, now i can't recall what one of those single squabbles was about. it could have been she wanted a size 32 font and i wanted a size 34 font. seriously. they amounted to nothing. so after graduation, i said adieu to the bitch and deemed it chapter closed. in years since, i have oft wondered what became of the girl of whom i came to loathe.

rumor had it she lost her mind after her parents' divorce, and another rumor put her as a waitress after graduating from an ivy league college. you just never really know what to factually believe with rumors. since joining face.book, i admit, i have kept an eye out for this girl i despised. why, i'm unsure, as it makes no sense to me whatsoever. but damnit, my patient perseverance paid off. i friended her and waited to see if she would accept me. low and behold; she did. what i saw posed a conflict within myself: the adult self wondered what had happened to the girl who had everything going for her, with the go get 'em attitude, and the fire in her eyes. what i saw was just the opposite of that. she has become a shell of her former self, but i suppose that rings true for us all, as no doubt time changes us all. in the flash of a moment, my adult self feels a slight twinge of sadness for my former enemy. however, if the blunt truth be told, my former self, my immature teenged, angst ridden, miserable self,...was gleefully delighted. how fucking sad is that.

face.book is like a bittersweet pill you have to take. you need to take it to help you improve yourself on what you think needs improving. but it leaves a bitter aftertaste that wrenches your tummy with painful reminders of immature, insidious, foolish yesteryears that you cannot negate. so i end this rather insightful blog with this serious shout out to my beloved wife-

hum drum...

2009-07-25T22:32:00.002-04:00

we are slowly getting stoked about our impending vacation. we're crossing our fingers, our legs, toes and even our ass hairs hoping nothing halts our plans like last year. i'm truly excited to breathe that florida air, to see the lush greenery, the beautiful beaches, and the awesome summer storms. with the additions of the BFF, Laverne and our tiny princess, Sophia, its sure to be a fantastical blast!! not really a whole lot to report on the home front, so i'll leave you with two pictures. enjoy!!

douches and bitches.

2009-07-23T16:20:00.004-04:00

Dear Mr. SUV Driving Man,

I was wrong at first to have said a few choice words, as it was our fault we cut you off. However, the fact that you kept staring at me is really what pissed me off. Your wrap around douche shades do not fool me. I bet you were wearing a Polo shirt, khaki cargo shorts and flip flops, most likely on your way to a golf game. I know your kind all too well. Simply put, you're a douche. And you don't scare me. Thus, the reason I stared you down upon your stare down challenge. Sarah: 1, Douche: 0. So long, asshole.

Sincerely,
The Bitch in the Exxon Parking Lot.

P.S.- Oh, and yes, I did mouth to you, "FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER." Just in case you were wondering. Go on now, you'll miss your Tee off time at the country club.

spittin em out...

2009-07-22T02:29:00.007-04:00

my friend, KD, and i were having a conversation tonight about having babies. how to conceive, adoption, parenting, etc. i spit out a hell of a charming little quip that i just had to share with yall. enjoy. :-)

KD: then there are the ones who are & shouldnt be
Me: have you checked out some support groups online for IVF?
KD: yea we are looking around, we still have a little while before we can consider it
Me: oh god,...octomom & that bitch with what, 19? she shoots them bitches out like that thing at the bowling alley that brings your ball back to you.

how rude.

2009-07-21T22:07:00.003-04:00

okay, let me start this off by saying that i adore my wife. i adore her tremendously. i truly do. there's nothing in this world i wouldn't do for her. but every time i walk into one of our bathrooms and see she's turned our toilet paper around, it makes me wanna metaphorically kick her in the taco!! the toilet paper (or ass paper as i lovingly refer to it on our grocery list) ALWAYS goes OVER, not under. gah.

crazy antics.

2009-07-21T18:55:00.004-04:00

okay so in all honesty, not a heck of a whole bunch has been going on around these parts. life is plodding along, quietly and quite nicely.

no sooner did i get that typed out when there was a knock at our front door. a friend of wifey's, a fellow 'family' member of the male species, wanted to borrow the computer to look something up. i happily obliged him. apparently, he was looking for flamingos. and no, not of the plastic persuasion. he was looking where to purchase a real.live.eating.breathing.shitting.pink flamingo. because its so classy. yes, yes. it takes all kinds, i suppose.

as far as the pictures go, they are pretty much self explanatory. all three of our furbabies chillin out on a fantastically cool summer's day, brothers in combat, harley and jackson resting from a bout of "wrassling," evil kittykitty proving my theory that felines are all out to plot and destroy the world (or in our kitty's case, the back of my wife's head), me at a cookout, the wifey and i at a cookout, and last but not least,... harley looking on as our youngest son gets violently raped by his incestuous sister. i can see her in her mind thinking, "who's the bitch now, BITCH?!"

yet another run-in with a member of the evil tyrant's family has once again stunned me. seriously, the majority of these people are equivalent to cockroaches, they never die or go away. (unless you liquor them up really good, apparently.) i feel so stupid EVERY TIME one of them manages to stun me with their ever so eloquent level of... trashiness. i can't find the word i am looking for to adequately describe what it is that these people bring forth upon the world. you would think that after 27 years of being CONTINUOUSLY surprised by their antics that i'd be used to it by now. but no sir'eee bob, the surprises just keep a'comin. as is, i pay a whopping $5 per month to block a specific household and its members from calling my cell. (that's a lot of money per year, if you think about it, to just keep the cockroaches away.) but it gives me peace of mind, so its worth every penny. something told me to deny her request as a friend on face.book. but no, i shut that voice up so foolishly, just as i do everytime, hoping against all hope that these people have bathed in a tub of decency. one day i'll learn, i hope. its hard as hell to deplete their filth off of you. its off to my own tub of decency and love and support to wash away more dirt from this preverbial never ending war, in which i wish and wish and wish to be over.

familial afflictions.

2009-07-18T14:37:00.010-04:00

i am elated to have returned to our nice, CLEAN, quiet abode where i have my wifey, our furbabies, our fishy, my plants, and the rest of our things. i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE going back home where i come from. but i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE coming home to MY home even more so. my time in Florence was riddled with anxiety, restlessness, family drama, and complete exhaustion in every possible aspect.

first thing's first: my mama. she had to have very serious surgery to correct some horrid conditions she had. it most certainly was not life threatening at the time, but the ramifications of the surgery were if proper medical care was not given for her recovery. the surgery initially took only a couple of hours, but it revealed her condition to be worse than expected. one night in ICU was followed by 3 additional nights on a regular room floor. my mommy was in the hospital ON HER BIRTHDAY. i know that sucked balls worse than a crazy old coot pissin on ya living room floor. it was truly heart breaking seeing my mom in writhing pain. what got to me worse than that was seeing her breakdown when my dad left to go buy himself some supper. he left me in the hospital room to look out for mama. my dad is such a great man to her, but there were a few times during her hospital stay i could have knocked him out a time or two.

with the head of the family being hospitalized, it brought MOST of the family issues/drama from simmering nicely under the surface to boiling, scalding hot in your face. it made me realize even more how lucky i am to have a wonderful mom who never gave up on me, and who somehow had enough strength to win me over from the dark side, that was my biological sperm donor and his sad sack of shit family. (one particular cousin excluded, however.) i guess in growing older, i am becoming more and more acutely aware of just exactly how great my mom was and is to me. one thing i did take note of, particularly, was when i saw her lying in her ICU bed, it scared me. as much as i disliked my biological sperm donor, he was my father. MY genetic donor. MY father. and the hard cold fact is, that the son of a bitch is dead. i only have one biological parent left. and seeing my mama like that just scared me down to my core.

i am happy to report that my mom is recovering very well. she is currently at her M-I-L's for her recovery. (if ya ask me, that is no recovery; its damnation. that's an entirely another story for another time, "but i digress,...") she can begin driving again in a lil over a week, she can't pick up anything over 15lbs, and she may be able to begin school when it starts about midway through august. she was upset by the realization that she would be unable to pick up her favorite grand fur baby, jackson. my "miniature" dachshund is a damn porker, weighing in at approximately 18lbs. (that's all solid too, no fat.)

my sister and i were able to meet in the middle and act like civilized human beings once again. apparently teenagers get mighty pissy when you bust them at a party and tell their parents. gee, who'da thunk it?! she and i worked out a schedule that everyone would be pleased with, as far as it went for staying the week with our rockin awesome grandmother. who, by the way, i found one night i was there, cradling, rocking, petting AND singing a LULLABYE to sophia, my baby girl furbaby. i thought my own mama was bad with jackson, our wiener dog!! noooooo, my grandma has her beat by a country mile!!

and lastly, i found this particular picture at my grandma's. yes, yes. here i am being held by my mother, whilst my bio-pop is giving me beer. freaking LOVELY. now i have heard of children tasting a sip of beer, but they were usually CHILDREN or toddlers, at the youngest. here i was, having MAJOR health issues at barely 15 months old, and he's giving me beer. yeah, that's one HELLUVA father, ain't it, yall?! looking at my mother's face, you can easily see the look of disgust for all to see. (okay well maybe except yall, since i have blurred out their eyes to "protect their identities," so certain people wouldn't come bitching to me about it.) i had not even had my open heart surgery tet when this was taken. i was laughing with my wife, telling her this explained EVERYTHING. everything from my issues, to even a haunting foreshadowing of his death.
but alas, my bloggy blog readers, this is all i have for yall today. i do apologize for the break in between posts. hope yall are doing well!!

update.

2009-07-10T22:21:00.006-04:00

i have not forgotten about you, my faithful interwebbers. my mommy had surgery and i have been back home to fulfill familial obligations. as will i also be doing next week. i will update as often as i can. so i leave you with july 4th pictures. :-)

life as i know it.

2009-07-03T14:57:00.010-04:00

hello, my pretties. this past week has been a fun one. one of my BFFs, "Laverne", and my baby brother, "Wily Cyote," came up for a 3 day, 2 night visit. it was quite nice. we hung out at the pool two days in a row, as you'll see from the following pictures. Wily Cyote had an Evel Knievel moment; he dared to go down the slide on TOP of various floatation devices. yeah. the wife's warning to him was that the hospital was just right down the road. trust me, this is not a threat to my brothers, as they are pro's at ER visits due to their carelessness and/or reckless stupidity. every time Wylie Cyote would attempt to slide down the slide in true Evel Knievel form, i felt a lump rise in my throat and my butt cheeks clench. i suppose the outcome could have been worse, after all, he is an ADD 13 year old preteen who is fearless as hell. the only token of remembrance he received for his dare devil trick was a jammed toe. not too bad, indeed.
the four of us played poker the first night and had a blast. the wife was the first one out, followed by me, then a magnificent show down between Wylie and Laverne ensued. Laverne proved to be the night's victorious winner. my middle child, my wiener fur baby, jackson, had to be right up in the midst of what was going on during our game. he was so cute in Wylie's lap. ever the nosy one, he is never satisfied unless he is literally IN.THE.MIDDLE. of what you're doing. nosy weiner.
and speaking of animals,... i'm putting the finishing touches on my wooden wiener and will unveil it upon its completion. next animal up is a yellow bellied turtle that the wife and i rescued from Fat Man's yard. we re homed it to an excellent water source a few miles away. it had crawled across the highway somehow and had the burns on its underside to prove it. there was even a smidgen of blood. it gave me the sads. but it should be happy in its new home, hopefully. when the wife picked it up off of our tailgate to look at it closer, the damn thing wee'd!! i didn't know turtles had bladders that could hold that amount of pee! seriously. my lil girl, Sophia, in all of her four-ish pounds of her, cannot pee that much!! and the final animal in this bloggy blog entry is a cute wittle bunny. yesterday evening after everyone left, i let the dogs out in the back yard to do their thing. that was when i spotted a bunny literally right AT the fence. i tried my best to get a picture with my phone. its a sucky picture, but it'll have to do, even though you can't really see it. i was quite taken back by house it sat there chomping on grass with the dogs and me so close in its proximity. it was so freakin cool. i love our backyard.

i will be away from this here comfy corner of my interwebs for a good lil while. it looks like i'll be spending roughly a week and a half to two weeks back home in Florence. i have family obligations i must tend to. i don't mind doing them, because i'd do anything in the world for my family. but i must confess; two consecutive weeks at home with... that sordid crew is not something i am looking forward to. i love, love, love going back home. but i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE returning to my QUIET, TRANQUIL, SANE home i share with the wife. it will all be okay. either way, it'll be one hell of an adventure. it could be fun or it could all be one giagantic headache. either way, i guarantee some hilarious stories upon my return to sane civilization.

blah.

2009-07-02T22:22:00.003-04:00

hello, my darling adorable interwebbers. fear not; i've not cast you astray. we've had company this week. they left today but i feel like i've been beaten up. seriously. i feel yucky. no two way s about it. not to worry, i have much to post and will do so first chance i get when i feel better.

fyi: when a prescription says to eat food with it, do so, ok? yeah.

fuckery, weiners, and everyday love.

2009-06-28T22:24:00.004-04:00

have all of the planets fallen out of alignment or something? seriously, because something fucking weird is going down. billy mays died. you know, the REALLY ANNOYING oxiclean guy. what kind of fuckery is that?! when i wrote in a previous post before MJ died, i pondered who would be the third celebrity to follow ed and farrah. be damn if no sooner than i sent that blog post out into the rabbit hole of the interwebs did the king of pop die. i'm hesitant to question who'll be suceeding the oxiclean guy. (on a twisted note, who'll scream at us on the infomercials now? billy died and vince the sham wow guy is supposedly in the pen. whatever shall the ignorant masses follow now?!)

i've almost finished sanding down my wiener. i still have a bit more to smooth out on it but as you can see, it is shaping up quite nicely, i think. i'm going to be staining it and putting some more finishing touches on it. then i'll begin on its mirror counterpart to complete the pair. then i guess we'll see if i decide to put it on etsy.

today prevailed to be quite interesting, as opposed to what i thought would be yet another routine, boring day. i managed to: tackle the wife, get the majority of the laundry washed and dried, and smoked out the house (though not the illegal way). yeah. interrrrrrrresting. on a everyday-run of the mill boring house wife note on stuff i did today,... i replanted some bulbs and talked recipes with my mama. yes, life is good.

sweet summertime.

2009-06-27T22:04:00.000-04:00

sacreligious phenomenon and art.

2009-06-27T00:09:00.008-04:00

i find myself being drawn into this hyped up Michael Jackson mania,...somewhat. let me explain. i'm sort of not really getting into putting him on this seemingly saint-like immortal pedestal that the rest of the damn civilization has bestowed upon him. its literally like a pill was given to the masses upon his death that somehow melts all intelligence brain cells within everyone's heads. is everybody forgetting about the Jesus Juice and allegations of child abuse? why is the world shocked that his demise was drug related? we watched his train wreck happen. i mean, we are currently watching the lindsey lohan train wreck, aren't we? we thought we were watching the britney spears trainwreck, but her family intervened. (albeit most likely for financial purposes, we lest we can hope the intervention is working so she does not meet the same fate as elvis, marilyn monroe, anna nicole smith, and now michael jackson.) we as a society, have a morbidly twisted, sick fascination with train wrecks. we can't peal our eyes away from it, think its a crying shame, but feed the machine too. a culture of hypocrits.

and speaking of hypocrits, let me make mention of our evidently Biblical govenor, Mark Sanford.
if i were a real christian, i'd be pissed at his self referencing false prophecy. seriously, comparing your fuck up to King David? i know he's trying to appeal to his holy roller voters by begging for their forgiveness. the whole damn thing is ludacris to begin with.

i'm still working on the wooden weiner and having immense fun doing so. i'm having more fun than i thought i would. my wife has cleared out a spot in my art room and i couldn't be happier than a pig in shit. yay!!

wooden weiner progress...part tres.

2009-06-25T17:40:00.001-04:00

stimuli.

2009-06-25T15:24:00.004-04:00

i am an avid believer that things come in threes, especially deaths. we have ed mcmahon and farrah fawcett up first. who'll take the third slot? nobody i know personally, i hope. and by the damn way, what is this fuckery with our oh-so-righteously pious govenor of SC, mark sanford? there is a reason behind his publicly admitting his affair and i'm suspicious as to what it is. politicians have affairs. point blank. that's just the way it is. personally the only possible lucrative enticement to boinking ANY politician for is financial gain. and i'm sorry, but i am so not about to eat mexican with elizabeth dole and suck lollipops with lindsey graham. ain't happenin, captain.

some funny quips i've heard pertaining to the sanford scandal:

*** ....he did not want a stimulus package...he wanted his package stimulated.....

*** Somebody should SO go to the State House and BLARE out the song from EVITA, DONT CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA. haha!

i whacked off pretty much ALL of our wee-one's hair yesterday. the wife dislikes it. i triple love it. teehee. okay i don't have much to say, really, so i'm just going to go work on my weiner. :-)

kush.

2009-06-23T23:19:00.002-04:00

OMG!! My eyes are BLINDED by this ... beauty. I think you should adjust your vision by gazing upon this finest... contraption since the Sham Wow.

gaze, people, gaze...

p.s.- personally, i use my dog, Sophia. she was free and I didn't have to pay $55 plus s&h.

LoL, OMG!!

http://www.kushsupport.com/

wooden weiner progress.

2009-06-23T23:02:00.001-04:00

snarky lil sprites.

2009-06-23T01:13:00.012-04:00

throughout my life many people have come and gone, influencing my soul in insurmountable ways. i shall call them sprites, because they fly in and out my life, make it all magical, cause mischief, and all that fun and mean stuff that sprites are known for. these various sprites have flown in throughout my life, creating a hard tale to read. but it is a tale full of color, wonder, and pain all of which are not make believe.

some of these sprites have different colored glows; some bright and sparkly whilst others are dark and dreary. but i have found that with my age, i find more treasures along the path in this magical forest i call my life. the treasure i have most recently found is that of understanding. true understanding. with this gift from these sprites, i am also finding another gift; a void. a space painted full of anger that is quickly dissipating. a void has never been so beautiful.

when i lie down "on a pillow of bluebonnets, in a blanket made of stars," i dream dreams that i am an artist. it may be merely a fanciful dream, but its a silly one i dare to court. so when i see any voids, it is my urge to fill it with something. but this, this patch of nothingness,... is beautiful. it is a beautiful work of art i dare not try to tweak, as it is perfectly imperfect.

there are times in my journey through the magic forest that i tend to get too cocky, i tend to forget previous life lessons that i've learned. the universe calls upon the fate deity, to remind me. to remind me of not repeating any mistakes. or to remind me of other things long gone by. that is when little sprites fly my way. they usually fly in front of my face like a nagging house fly i have to swat out of aggravation. but it is only for my own good. sometimes the gods and goddesses up there on mount Olympus must send down some help to protect the princess. :-)

tonight they did just that; a dark sprite was sent my way. this particular sprite's own journey through his dark forest has been intertwined with mine for years at a time. our paths were dark together, but were brightened with the separation. it was a painful split but a necessary one. forgiveness was a treasure box i found with this sprite's name on it a couple of moons ago. just recently did i see that the star on orions belt was shrinking. i knew the winds would soon blow him my way once again. it was inevitable. distance is required, friendship unstable. i was reminded of the darkened scary sections of the forest. i sometimes forget that there were too many things in common; more than seeing double trouble but being bearers of cowards' disgrace. it was two secrets never spoken but the heavy load was shared. our paths came together and split apart many times throughout our teenage and young adult years. too much pain prevented any sunshine on either forest. i have fought and struggled to find my sunshine (my wife) in my forest. i went about it in a not so graceful manner, but damnit i am here and i am a survivor, to quote my most fairest sprite of them all. my struggle was one helluva battle, but others are still fighting their war. his forest is sadly still war torn. i am reminded to be so grateful because my forest could have been so much darker, like his currently is. somewhere out there in the land of magical forests, princesses, sprites, and some unseen all being power that watches out for everyone... somewhere out there, some sprite or all knowing being has watched over my magical forest by guiding my path away from the darkest corners of hell. i don't know what i ever did in my past life, or in this one, to deserve such a guardian. one thing i am is grateful, eternally grateful. thank you to whoever or whatever is out there, for keeping this princess safe in her own little magical kingdom.

w.w.w.

2009-06-22T22:42:00.006-04:00

newest project: wood workin weiner!! its obviously still a work in progress but i will post pictures until i declare it finished. i'll be making a reflective one as well. maybe they can be window decorations? any ideas on what i can post them on Etsy as? home decor? window decor? turrlet decor? its definitely weiner decor.

GISM #8 of 365:
i am grateful for creative ideas.

doggeh swag.

2009-06-22T18:51:00.004-04:00

spiffy doggeh swag contest!! go check it out!!

http://jamieann.net/shops/2009/06/22/etsy-adore-the-hydrant/

(**picture taken from that Etsy store. It is NOT my picture. But it is my favorite collar available in this store!! also check out past items...i totally love the monkey one too**)

bliss.

2009-06-21T15:35:00.004-04:00

aforementioned headache has for the most part, dissipated, thank my stars!! okay, let me fill you in on this quite eventful weekend. first of all, the yard sale was so-so. barely that, even. not worth the 4 am wake up call that the wife and i endured early saturday. our arrival in darlington prompted many oooooooh's and aaaaaaah's over our dear wee-one, sophia. i AM a proud mommy and YES i know my darling daughter furbaby IS THE cutest thing to hit Earth since finger monkeys. however, dear scary butch redneck with the hideous tattoo on your ankle, she is NOT for sale. and no disrespect, but nor is she for sale to your...colorful... mother either. but i digress, we made approximately twenty bucks. yeah. so it was a bust, but the rest of the day made it all worthwhile.

a baby dyke was a new face in our normal crowd, and she was just adorable. very self assured at 15 years old. it was quite refreshing. after a cookout we headed to my best friend's family pool. her other best friend was there as well. i know she enjoyed that. after the pool, we were originally off to a new restaurant in Florence, Hibachi Grill. upon walking into the door, a panic attack set in for me. a strong, sudden, and fierce one. more fierce than borat's lil gay persona. it was a damn cattle trough; herds of people moving in and out. it was TOO MUCH for me. too many people staring at me,... no ma'am, not for me. the wife and i meandered over to two great greek owned restaurants in town for take-out, and both were closed. i wondered what kind of fuckery that was. we finally got our supper and returned to my mama's to consume it.

....later that evening, we headed to my grandma's for a quick visit. it was here that i attained a copy of our family legend; the infamous DVD that is the finest form of blackmail God EVER created. one of my aunts pays some kind of quasi, half stoned, a bit psycho homage to Prince. also in the video was our grand daddy, who has been deceased for twenty plus years. i stole the scene in every shot i was in, naturally. because a toddler with a passy, adorable ringlets, and little arms giving her impression of Mr. T is the.cutest.thing.EVER. (and my family knows it too. lol!!) my brothers, the wife and i had a good time watching the often dizzying home video.

after the video, i busted my sister at a party. i listened to my gut and i was right. i went to see for myself at damn almost 11 pm. i caught the dumbass red handed worse than ken star discovering the lewinsky dress to bust Clinton. yeah. i rushed home, woke my mama up, and tattled like it was nobody's business. i just could NOT sit at my mama's KNOWING she was at a party where anything and everything could have happened to a 17 year old, socially retarded, hormone driven, selfish teenager. i do so love my only real sister that i have, which is why i may be labeled a snitch, but i'm a RESPONSIBLE snitch, damnit. i'd never have forgiven myself if something bad had happened to her and i'd done nothing to protect her.

god forbid had she driven drunk and wrecked. that's the most irresponsible down right stupid and selfish thing anybody can do. speaking of which,... happy father's day to all the dads out there. i was/am lucky to have a great dad. he has loved me, protected me, and raised me the way any dad is supposed to. he never gave up on me, and for that, i am eternally grateful. thanks, steve.

GISM #7 of 365:
i am grateful for karma.

happy daddy's day!!

2009-06-21T14:11:00.003-04:00

happy daddy's day to all of the REAL daddy's out there. it takes more than a DNA donation to make a man a daddy!!

boy do i EVER have a bloggy blog to post about this weekend. but because i yet again have another damned sinus headache, yall must be patient on that. i will give you clues, so conclude what you must: yard sale. pool. a panic attack. the myth; the lengend; the DVD. teenage mischief.

southern fried.

2009-06-18T14:31:00.004-04:00

there is this delightful little quiz on face.book that determines which county in south carolina you truly belong in. its just a fun, thoughtless time killer to pass the day. i took the said quiz and received the answer of Marlboro County, "You probably don't have much money, and don't mind it that way. You don't care if the schools are older than your grandma, because your grandma probably lives in the area. The beach isn't too far away, but you probably just like huntin' in the woods more than the beach. You might like a little fly fishin' on the weekend too. You hate cities, and you like being so close to Darlington for the NASCAR races. Come to think of it, Dillon or Darlington Counties would probably suit you just as well!" Now see, the more appropriate answer most definitely would've been Darlington County. That is where the majority of my friends live.

DarCo is where I spent the rebellious and most self destructive days of my careless youth. It is where I had my first broken heart, my first real country parties, my most haunted memories of childhood abuse, the place where I found who my truest friends are, the place where my monster was taken from this world, the place I made my most stupid and reckless mistakes,... Darlington County is the place where I grew up on my own accord. to say i lost my virginity in this county is actually perfect. i mean that not only in the literal sense but the metaphoric sense as well. first girlfriend, first boyfriend, first dose of reality,... you know, the real bitches of growing up. (i of course speak of no ill will towards either of the first boyfriend or girlfriend, as to one of whom i am still close with, platonically, naturally.) the memories that county holds for me is almost unparalleled to any other county. it is closely rivaled for second place by my hometown county, the place of which i was born in... Florence County.

the railroad tracks in darlington county never fail to spring a smile on my face. when my own mother was a young mother and a fresh faced teacher just out of college, her first teaching job was in said county. in the mornings on her way to work, she'd ride along side her daddy, my papa, who was the train engineer taking the train through darlington county at that precise time. he'd wave and blow the whistle for my mama. i always thought that was super special. thats what real daddies do, you know? real daddies are there for your prom, for teaching you how to drive, and even for taking their daughters to girl scout camp for Fathers Day to go fishing and catch their first fish.
darlington county is a place chocked slap full of trailer trash, die hard nascar addicted, rednecks with life stories that are sad, pathetic, sordid, and yet alluring in that comedic-omg-this old woman peed on your floor kind of way. i was watching this new show that the wife introduced me to, called trailer park boys. OMG. its in canada though. i sat watching this awkwardly funny totally ingenious show thinking, the only thing that could make this even better would be if it was SOUTHERN. like, i would want to carry a lil camcorder into various trailers around florence and darlington counties and voila! now THAT'D be entertainment, yall!! **side note: while i enjoy being a SOUTHERN girl, i am in NO WAY a confederate flag wearing racist bigot!!**

GISM #6 of 365:
i am thankful for where i grew up; home.

poll.

2009-06-17T19:03:00.001-04:00

Would you buy this any of this art at a yard sale? (Answer which one in comments, if you want!!)(online surveys)

unfathomable antics in the south.

2009-06-16T19:29:00.005-04:00

my oh my, oh my... how i have quite the pictorial update for yall!! for starters, i thoroughly enjoyed my time in darlington with my wonderful friends. we relaxed, talked, were mischievous (of course!!), and just had plain ol' fun in general. my hair got dyed back to its closest to natural color that yall will ever see on me; a brunette-ish/auburnish color. the oldest ML daughter said she wanted to straighten my hair, to which i said it'd be too much for her to try to tame. she challenged me and proved me wrong point blank. cite the given photo as evidence.

the grass areas surrounding our abode have surprisingly grown faster than we'd expected it to. it looks MUCH better than it did when the wife and the father in law first put down the sod. our yard is no longer a total mud hole now. :-)

i have an UH-MAY-ZING short story for yall. this only happens in the south, and i swear to yall, that this is a 100% non-fiction story. Dan and Shan are married with two toddlers. They recently moved out of one said trailer park to move into another. The new trailer park is much, much nicer. Let it be known that one reason for moving from the previous park was the residents. One in particular. We'll call her Virginia. Virginia is a CRAZY old coot; Middle aged, old woman who never had any children. (Thank heavens!!) Virginia went to visit Shan and Dan for an overnight visit at their new place. Upon awaking the next morning, Shan spots a towel lying on the floor directly in front of her front door. Her usual culprits had been in bed all night, so she was curious as to what was going on here.

Virginia informs her that she couldn't make it to the turrlet so she cops a squat right there. yes, you read that correctly. Let me repeat it so you can wrap your mind around this. A middle aged old coot, who is a fully functioning individual (as in, no Alzheimer's) took a piss in the floor at Shan and Dan's. oh.my.gawd. oh and this jewel of a story doesn't end there, no. Shan flips her lid and begins furiously shampooing the carpet as Virginia sits on and watches. Dan walks in the door sweating profusely and grabs the nearest towel to wipe his face. yes. yes, yes, yes, the inevitable occurs. Dan wipes his face with the pee soaked towel Virginia used to cover up her pee spot.

what can you say to that? seriously, yall. what can you say?

brief update.

2009-06-14T17:10:00.002-04:00

i have been out of town hanging out with friends this weekend in darlington and i have been having a BLAST!! the only aggravation is that my friend is stuck in the prehistoric ages on dial up. grrrr!!

but we did manage to dye mah hair auburn, which looks good. my friend then said she could straighten mah hair and i said nu uh, the weathers too bad. (those of you with curly hair in the south will comprehend.) i tried in vain to download a picture for yall but bah!! dial up is my mortal enemy. i'll post more tomorrow and sort through emails and what not. apparently i won a contest again on another blog... yay!!

commendable things.

2009-06-09T16:39:00.003-04:00

this link made me get all teary eyed. and p.s.- my headache is still slutting it up in my brain. damn whore.

GISM #5 of 365:
i am grateful for my doggies.

gardening and white trash.

2009-06-09T14:20:00.007-04:00

i have been a mischievous Tasmanian devil of a house wife lately. let me explain: the wife slaved over cleaning the kitchen until it was sparkly and shiny. that night after she left for work, i tore it up. i did my indoor gardening on the kitchen counter. my excuse? i needed to be near the sink for the hot water. i am using one of those transplant pots that are biodegradable and are meant to be transferred into the ground once the sprouts are strong enough to endure the move. they came with this frisbee looking thing in the pots. add a specified amount of hot water and presto! a pot full of moist compost. it reminded me of those toys on the kiddie isle in the dollar store that look like pills but really aren't. you add the water and it morphs into some random creature, like a Brachiosaurus or a turtle or something. but alas, i am to clean up my mess in the kitchen today. i have a nagging headache and my hands are bothering me. i'll get to cleaning when i'm good and damn well ready. (i think i am also PMSing. gee, can ya tell?)

i am currently soaking olive tree seeds. i bought them for the wife because she loves, loves, loves olives. this is indoor tree seeds that i purchased. i may have bit off more than i can chew though. you have to keep the seeds at just the right temperature and keep the compost mix consistently moist but not water logged. i may need to plan up some ghetto indoor mini greenhouse to accomplish this for the wife. i want to grow an indoor lemon or some other citrus tree for her as well. she is crazy for her olives, lemons, pickles, and her wild plums. oh the things we do to try and make our loved ones happy.

i had to do another stepping stone for harley. when i removed them all from the plastic molds after they dried, all but one came out without a hitch. harley's cracked in half like britney spears on a psyche eval. so i redid his and am currently waiting to see if his redo is satisfactory to my standards. i have also been working on a new painting, inspired by my girls. i'm doing it as a thank you for one of my BFFs, whom i'll call the Laverne to my Shirley. and speaking of BFFs, my other one, whom i'll call the babysitter, is now officially on her way to being a step grandma. in HER words, "oh how the redneck drama flows." this is irony in its utmost classic form. outside looking in, its sad and pathetic,... and funny. the cycle never stops. i'll leave it at that. i'm gonna go lay down now because this blasted headache has yet to go away and its starting to really piss me off now. peace out, my fellow interwebber friends.

representin' tha 'burg.

2009-06-08T12:09:00.003-04:00

the wife woke me at 7:30 am for a top-of-the-morning trip to the soc.ial secur.ity office here in orangeburg. the ss administration have made a costly blunder with my account, so we were there to try to get that straightened out. ha! fat chance. red tape and pushing paper work GALORE!! but i did manage to snap a fantastic picture that really sums up the orangeburg social security office to a 't.' ...yes that IS a neck brace and yes, those ARE curlers. don't be hatin, you jus' jealous.

la vérité vous placera libre.

2009-06-07T15:32:00.004-04:00

ok i'm going to bite the bullet and say what i really wanted to say in that last entry. that was nothing more than a fluffer piece that was shotty at best. it was recently told to me that when i write pieces that refer to my memories concerning my biological father, that i am seeking attention and trying to manipulate people into feeling sorry for me. i have been stewing on that mouthful for a few days. i have finally formulated my response to that incredibly gauche accusation.

when i write out my memories, my feelings, my thoughts, my theories on all things in connection with the Evil Faux Czar, i am not writing them to attract attention. i am writing them to purge the poison from my being, from my soul. i could care less if it attracted attention. i am not purging for that reason; i am doing so to expedite the healing process. and as far as my revealing my thoughts and etc. to evoke people feeling sorry for me,... well that is just a mere joke right there. seriously. people are laughing, alright. but not at me. they are laughing at his expense, not mine. they are laughing at his behavior and his actions. i do not need or want to try and even think, let alone actually do, about making people feel sorry for me. the truth speaks for itself. therefore, i could care less. and if they are aware of the truth, then they know everything. everything from the reason behind the reason my mom divorced him, to the reason i stopped my visitations with him, and even the reason behind my stupid mistakes as a teenager that had to do with him. they know the true reason he died, and the reason i was disinherited. the truth is a funny thing. in this instance anyways. it vindicates and exposes everything.

i was far from innocent as a teenager with my time with him. i made my careless and highly irresponsible mistakes. i am adult enough to admit it. i hurt my mom and that side of the family. and for that i shall forever carry a sense of shame and guilt. but as with real families, we've moved on and grown from it. i asked for forgiveness from my mom and from God. someday maybe i can forgive myself. i accept responsibility for my actions. however, i refuse to accept responsibility for his behavior. what continues to baffle me, and always will, is that when somebody dies, people automatically sanctify them and recall them as saints during their living life. that is stupidity in its finest form. i am not doing the opposite either, i am not vilifying him. i am speaking hard, cold truths. nothing more, nothing less. people who sanctify those who are departed are delusional, in my opinion. romanticizing a departed's walking life is one's own disguise of shame or guilt. maybe something else; i don't know. i'm not in that position, so i am in no place to speak of what emotion that it is. i am merely hypothesizing. if i appear cold, i am not. you see, i mourned the loss of MY daddy over twenty years ago.

the man who died and carelessly took his wife with him was a stranger to me. herein lies the irony; he was a stranger whom i knew all too well. i may not have been an active participant in his everyday life, but i knew how he worked from the inside out. i am a product of HIS dna. unfortunately his blood courses through my veins. court papers legalize things, but when you get down to it, his blood coursing through everyone's veins cannot be said for all involved. i knew what made him tick; what set him off; his addictions, his ghosts, his nightmares, and even the reminiscence of what infinitesimal bit of good he once had within him from eons ago.

i do not wish to carry forth any sort of relationship with the person who made me highly defamatory and flat out false allegations against me. i have said before that i wish her the best and i still do. i just have no room in my life for such fallacy. that belongs on that side of the family. which, by the way, ARE my family too. they are my family genetically and nothing more. my real and true family is who i have in my daily life currently. that is where you will find forgiveness, incessant love, compassion, and empathy. so i say to you, to make all the allegations you want against me, recall him and her in the utmost illusional recollections possible. but there is one thing remaining amidst all of the mud and muck; the truth. it is there that i find my freedom.

"sunday kind of love,..."

2009-06-07T13:50:00.004-04:00

alas, my interwebber friends, i have returned to the abode. my time spent in darlington was awesome; there is truly nothing better than spending good quality time with your friends and loved ones.

the wife and i were supposed to go down to the lowcountry today but were deterred by the weather. how unfortunate, because i was looking forward to smelly the special smell of the marshes and being in awe of the landscape... and not to mention, taking that first deep breath of the wonderful salty air of the carolina coast!! i suppose today will be another lazy sunday spent napping and eating boiled pnuts. can't get much better than that!!

GISM #4 of 365:
i am grateful for true friends.

reba delivers.

2009-06-03T15:38:00.005-04:00

i was sure today would be a rather shitty one, due to the fantastically shitastic email i had awaiting me on my.space. by the way, to the non-disgruntled readers of my blog: heed not my last blog entry. the subject of that person will not be brought up again, as there is no room in my life for such fuckery. but i digress, when Honey came in with today's mail, i just about damn near had a massive coronary. i saw this huge brown envelope with my name on it from starstruck productions. i.got.something.in.the.mail.from.fucking.REBA.MCENTIRE.

holy shit, yall. i had evidently won a contest from her fan club. Honey couldn't get the package opened fast enough. i won an autographed picture (an actual picture and actual autograph, not one of those fake pictures with a stamped signature), an autographed CD of her current single, Strange, ...AND her box set of her 50 Greatest Hits. i can always count on Reba to make things all better for me. hell, after the funeral in Dec '07 is when i won backstage passes to meet her in Jan '08. i posted my loot below and pointed to the autographs in red arrows. :-)

attention!! disgruntled blog readers!!

2009-06-03T12:34:00.002-04:00

**Let me make an amendment to this blog, by all means. The facts in THIS blog are either a) as they were TOLD to me DIRECTLY from 'family members,' or b) from MY OWN fucking memories. I have made it a SOLID POINT to NOT mention ANYONE by their REAL names. That is on purpose, as to protect the identities of your precious family. If you don't like what I write, and recall things from MY POINT OF VIEW, from the WAY I FUCKING REMEMBER them, ... then there is a SIMPLE solution: Fuck off. Got that, J? Fuck Off. My blog. My rules. My memories. Easy as that. Simply because I know things you don't, and I recall things AS THEY WERE, doesn't mean they didn't happen. DON'T FUCKING COME READ MY SHIT IF YOU HATE ME SO GOD DAMNED MUCH.**

today's art project...

2009-06-02T17:37:00.001-04:00

stepping stones for our front yard. :-)

contemplating.

2009-06-02T16:09:00.009-04:00

"what a quandary," exclaims Mrs. Peggy Ingram. and bless my stars, was she right. i have never been in this strange and foreign predicament that i am currently in. my house is totally clean. i have NOTHING left to clean. this has NEVER happened to me before; it feels too damn weird. i feel it is as if i am shamefully betraying my heritage, the very fabric of my upbringing. if my mama knew, she'd surely shit herself. okay well maybe not, but she'd damn sure make some type of snide comment.

growing up in a house with one angry thirteen year old, one innocent four year old, and brand new one month old twin boys meant a very chaotic house. there were always clothes to be folded, put away, bottles to be made, messes to clean, and food to be cooked. looking back now as an adult and being finally freed of my monster in the dark (aka the Evil Faux Czar), i can see the things that i should have done to make things better for my mom and for the greater good of the household. however, aside from the normal hormonal imbalances occurring at the time in my body and suffering the abuse from my evil monster in the dark, i couldn't tell my ass from my head. left or right, up or down... it was all the same to me. there was so much that i was unable to comprehend back then. and to tell you the truth, there's still some that i don't get to this day. i've accepted it but it doesn't mean i have forgiven it, or that any of it was okay. it happened. i can't change the past. so i move on and learn from his mistakes. if anything, i can say quite adamantly that the cycle stops here.

i still am waging an inner civil war from within myself on whether or not i am worthy enough of certain things. that is perhaps the biggest thing that i have trouble choking down. i am trying to take responsibility for my foolish and down right stupid behavior in my past and the repercussions that followed. but this, however, this issue stems directly from him. his actions continue to haunt me until this day. i cannot help but to wonder until when the day will come to wen i am even free of his ghost, of his memory, of his chains of abuse. the first time i ever stood up to him still mystifies me completely. long story short: my Nana had a brain tumor for which she had surgery to remove. it so happened that the surgery landed on 'his weekend.' (he did the part time custodial thing. at least on court papers that is.) so i called him to let him know that i couldn't come because of my Nana. to no surprise, he flew off in a rage. he screamed at me through the phone so loud that my mom heard him from across the room that i was in. his cursed filled tirade threw sharp daggers at me like, "what has she ever done for you? she's not even related to you and you want to be there for her when its my god damned weekend?!" yeah, it was so not cool. i was so taken back by his reaction to my not being able to come to his house for the weekend, that i mustered up the courage to tell him that i just would not be coming anymore, period. if i thought the Nana screaming diatribe was bad, boy was i ever sorely mistaken. what followed was nothing short of pure hatred. venom. anger. rage. abhorrence. i started crying on the phone because he broke me; i couldn't take it anymore and had to give the phone to my mama. she promptly hung up on his ass. i remember curling up into a ball in her lap sobbing once more for the daddy i didn't have.

what i will never understand is what happened back before i was a teenager and did do the stupid and irresponsible things that i did. how can a man loathe his own child? a child, for pete's sake. an innocent, snaggle toothed, pig tail wearing child who loved playing on the slip 'n slide during the hot summers. how does a man do that? i doubt i will ever discover that answer. i love my damn dogs more than that sonofabitch ever loved me. how sad is that, i ask you. i can only hope that he loved his other daughter more than me. i know he pretty much thought his son could walk on water. my dad's mother thought the same of him. i would be lying to you if i said that i did not ponder about his other daughter. i often wonder if she has realized what type of mother she had. now that she is a mother herself, i wonder if she gets it. her own mom told her to not come home for christmas because she got along better with my dad when she wasn't there. and then they died. that christmas. i wonder how that makes her feel. but she and i are oil and water, even though it used to not be that way. we were never close exactly but we tolerated each other alright. before they died she did share some things with me on his antics and baffling behavior towards her, to show me it wasn't just me whom he hated. i had/have mixed feelings on that. but what i find puzzling is her current frame of thinking that they were excellent parents. like that because they both died, it excuses their different types of abuse. nothing pardons that, not even their deaths.

i do wish her well, because i do still care. i don't want to care but i can't help it. i loved her at one point in time. and now as an adult i have come to find that you just simply cannot erase love or hate. you can break the cycle, but you cannot forget it.

no crip, nor blood, just a violent farting gang.

2009-06-02T11:40:00.003-04:00

i am a daily reader of the blog, texts from last night. some of the entries suck, as can be expected. and then there are those gems that come along every once in a blue moon that just tickle my fancy. this is one of them:

(773): Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

say goodnight, gracie.

2009-05-31T22:09:00.003-04:00

lawsy, lawsy,lawsy, mizz Scarlett!! i do declare, i was fit to be tied today. old man arthur executed one hellacious attack on my entire body for apparently, no obvious reasons. the weatherman ain't saying anything so i'm at a loss for the root of arthur's mischief. it was all of my joints too, as opposed to my normal hand and finger joints. my damn knees just about gave out on me. i had to put a wrap on each knee. and all day today i have been excited thinking about buying this new thing that icy hot has out now. i'm super stoked about it because i can customize it to accommodate my hands, which are different structurally than everybody else's hands. /sigh. look at me. look at what i have become; a house wife who gets excited over new icy hot products, and not having anymore room left in the towel/washcloth cabinet to put more towels and washcloths because i have them ALL clean, folded, and put away.

i have gone all zen and become one with my swiffer sweeper dust mop. i would say that i have begun the soul killing process of morphing into my mother, but she is not one with the dust mop. see, they dated a LONG time ago, back in the stone ages when she was married to the Evil Faux Czar (aka the male dna donor that helped create me). but when the Czar began to rob his own peoples out of everything, there was a colossal battle which led to the inner civil war that continues to rage on within me to this day. but i digress, at the sound of the battle call, weapons were drawn and blood painted the hands of all who touched the battle grounds. the blood stained the souls of the innocent. the deed was done; the line drawn. good and evil, the epic battle. the tug of war with me as the rope until the Evil Faux Czar lost interest and found a new kingdom more shiny than the kingdom he blackened with hate. it was in this war that my mother fought the dust mop. and still today, her epic battle with it rages on.

good goddess i need to go to bed. i'm creating a story about a fictitious battle between my mother and a damn swiffer sweeper. that goes beyond being just your southern eclectic, sarcastic narrator. i need help. no; i need sleep. i bid you au revoir, mes amis.

GISM #3 of 365:
i am grateful that good conquered evil.

praisin at the church of reba.

2009-05-30T23:42:00.006-04:00

here i sit at my computer on a saturday night listening to my queen sing her beautiful little heart out. oh how i absolutely adore her! as much as i love the wife, i'd leave her in a heartbeat for that fantastically feisty redhead. (sorry honey. i wub joo.) seriously though... i just watched her new video. suffice it to say, she is fucking HOT. jesus. you find me another 54 year as smokin hot as her. geesh!!

other than drooling over her (and lets not get me started on kelly!! *oh please let my prayers be heard by whatever higher power is out there, PLEASE PLEASE let kelly be a card carrying member of the lesbian brigade, please, please, please!!*) gawd i wish they'd tour together again, because both concerts that i saw of the 2 Worlds 2 Voices Tour were PHENOMENAL. my meeting her for the second time at one of those concerts has nothing to do with my opinion of that. yea, right. i can't even THINK that with a straight face.

ah okay, i must calm down. i tend to get myself worked up in a tizzy over them both, especially the redheaded one. but i digress, here i sit listening to her wondering if its time to dye my hair again. i'm feelin the auburn look again. thanks in part to mrs. mcentire. oh how i achingly wish i could pull off her particular shade of red but i'd look like some twilight character in doing that. a darker, non purple, auburn should suit me just fine. we shall see. i don't really have much to say tonight. i'm just bored stiff here at home, as i have already carried out my housewife chores by folding and putting up all of the laundry. that was a big enough task in itself!

note to reader: yes that IS me with reba and kelly. don't be jealous haters. that was my second time meeting reba. okay NOW you can be jealous haters. :-)

GISM #2 of 365:
i am grateful for reba mcentire. (obvious choice there.)

pint sized hero.

2009-05-29T15:45:00.004-04:00

okay so i joined this new social networking group (not because i am not already a members of too many others right?). this one is called Grace in small things. the concept of this group really fascinates me. so i am going to try my best to partake in the group's challenge: to daily "take notice of the positive things we tend to overlook. Grace in Small Things exists because we are choosing not to allow the noisiness of life to rob us of the time and energy to be mindful of ourselves and those we love and to recognize the grace that exists in small things." so i am going to do this to remind myself of one thing daily for an entire year, to win my own battle against embitterment. at the end of each blog entry, i will post my daily GISM item that i am grateful for.

my baby brother made me more proud of him than i have ever been throughout his entire life. yesterday morning before the school bell rung to start their day of learning, my brother whom i shall call *Deviant Rascal* (*nicknames have been given to protect the guilty*) got in a fight and got suspended. a bit of back story for you: his teen hormones have permanently taken up residence throughout his entire body. long gone are the days of my sweet little funny brother and here are the days of mr-know-it-all-fuck-you. these putrid hormones have brain washed my once innocent baby brother into what his nickname that i've given him says, a deviant rascal. his behavioral problems at school up until now have never been destructive to school property or other persons. (another words, Deviant Rascal has a big mouth, with a highly sarcastic persona that gets him into stupid trouble all of the time. The apple truly does not fall far from the tree.) his behavior has DRAMATICALLY improved since he found out he had once more to get suspended before being expelled.

but i digress, ...back to yesterday. his best friend, a boy in his grade whom i shall refer to as video-game-dweeb-numero-two, is his carpool buddy and a bit on the chunky side. he is not morbidly overweight, nor is he anywhere near the size of cartman from south park. anyways, this really mean bully was picking on video-game-dweeb-numero-two. the poor kid just took it and took it and took it until he was about to cry. Deviant Rascal's temper flipped on quicker than Tyson biting off Holyfield's ear. Deviant Rascal stood up for video-game-dweeb-numero-two since the boy is evidently not capable of doing so himself. (this boy's parental unit must do a better job at teaching video-game-dweeb-numero-two how to handle being bullied.) this lead to a fight between Deviant Rascal and the said bully. Deviant Rascal beat this bitch's ass. he did get thrown on his back and hit his head but is otherwise okay. the other kid had blood everywhere. i'd be lying to yall if i said i wish i hadn't been there. i'd liked to have seen my boy go fool on the bad bully. that's not very mature of me as a big sister to say that, but damnit. i can't help it, i wished i had seen it.

school officials had to write Deviant Rascal up because of their zero tolerance policy on fighting. (which i think is bullshit because you know sometimes it cannot be avoided in these pre-teen and teen children with their hormones riding a free for all roller coaster inside of them.) due to the nature of the write up, he just got 3 days out of school suspension. he wont have to go before the school board or be expelled. the school is using these three days as study days for exams, which will begin his first day back, so he isn't missing anything 'important' in classes. yea he coulda handled it differently, but ... man you know that took balls to stand up to a bully, especially being that Deviant Rascal weighs like 96 lbs soaking wet. i know violence is never the answer, nor do i condone it, but i am proud that my baby brother stood up for what he believed in, for what was right. in a twisted way, i am proud of him. chivalry is not dead yall.

all of this has a splash of irony lying within it, as Deviant Rascal is the bully to his twin brother, Wily Coyote. Wily Coyote takes it and takes it and takes it from Deviant Rascal until they have this massive blowout bigger than Hiroshima. i wonder if this will have any impact on Deviant Rascal's bullying to Wily Coyote? only time will tell.

Grace in Small Things #1 of 365:
i am grateful for chivalry.

ask yourselves, my interweb fwiends. how cute is my wife in her sexy yellow bandana and how cute is she with our wee-one, sophia? all together now,... AWWW!!!

dumpster diving slut.

2009-05-28T14:48:00.002-04:00

the wife and i had to run a couple of errands this morning and upon our home coming, we found a quaint little surprise; our furbabies had a party with the trashcan. my wee-one, sophia, now looks greasier than a deep fryer at KFC.