Friday, April 9, 2010


Today I’m feeling very depressed. Upon my research, I saw a note in the symptoms of Holt-Oram Syndrome that was called “Psychological Morbidity.” What in the fuck is this shit? Could this be why I have chronic and clinical depression? That it is attributed to this syndrome, as opposed to an alcoholic abusive father who loathed me from the second I was spat into this world?
I don’t know what to do to pull myself out of this hole. The world is gray. Gray skies. Gray outlook on life. I have no hope. I’m not suicidal, don’t misconstrue my words. But I do not dream of goals for myself. I see nothing in my future. I am one of 100 or so people in this universe with this thing (being that the geneticist confirms it.) It has taken away the one hope of having children, which was my dream. That dream, like my heart when I was born, has a hole right through it. I just feel like I am at a standstill in my life and I absolutely despise it.
I don’t know if this is a product of my depression or if this is my devastation taking hold to me like white on rice. I don’t know what to do with my life, with myself, with my future. Del said to write. Well I’m writing. I’m pouring the feelings out of me as tea from a pot. I was born with said hole in my heart, however, I still feel as though I’m not whole. And I haven’t the foggiest as to what to do to rectify this situation.