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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

naked.

i am sick and i am scared. i don't know what will happen and it sickens me to my tummy. i try to talk reason into my psyche by saying, "Sarah, you have anxiety issues. With anxiety comes the feeling of impending doom. Its ok, take a deep breath."
i say it and logically i see its true, but it seems like i am in the death grip of fear. fear is the spider that is cacooning me. concentrate on my school work, i think. if i can just do that and get through this semester passing all of my classes, i can do it.
i have these feelings i cannot further explain. she says they make no sense; have no basis. maybe thats how she sees it. but not for me. she says its all in my head, and maybe it is, i don't know. but i absolutely loathe being told that things are all in my head. it makes me feel powerless and unstable. characters from many chapters ago did the same to me, fostering an insecure sense of self. it helped create a girl who truly believed that she wasn't worthy of love. i have fought from the pits of hell (that i chained myself into) to undo that line of thinking and feeling. so to have her, my equal, throw those unintending barbs at me hurt. i know what i feel, i know why i feel it, and just because you can't see my perspective doesn't discredit me.
i am my own self, you are your own self. you are my equal; not my lesser, not my greater. when i expressed myself, you threw as many barbs as you could at me, to try and discredit my emotions. understandably you were defensive. some of the things you said took my breath away. like the Dementors tried to take Harry's soul. visually thats how it felt when you said that.
i am not perfect, i have made an ass load of mistakes. i have corrected my actions and still am actively correcting some behaviors. its all a learning process. there is no finish line and grand prize for learning to give and take. no confetti, no balloons. merely silent victories. i have come far from where i was when we met, and i still have a ways to go. i may not agree with you on things and i may be pissed, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, unappreciated, loved, happy, blissful, exuberent...
one thing i have never done or will do is discredit you as a person. that is who i fell in love with, who i married, and who i am with. that is an injustice. i am trying hard as i can to move on from this, to leave it be. and honestly i simply keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation on the subject. every couple known to mankind has its ups and downs. i am eagerly looking forward to climbing up this hill with my equal, my wife, my partner. i do so love you.




Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you

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