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Monday, May 25, 2009

bitching and bitches.

seriously, if i don't get better SOON, i'm going to find a loaded gun and take it out on some poor unsuspecting gum tree in our backyard somewhere. this is lunacy, i tell you. i am acutely accustomed to having hoards of slithering mucus cascading down my sinus cavities, but this wheezing crud has got to cease and desist immediately!! to what office do i go and apply to and scream furiously at some poor minimum wage supervisor that my body has got to start responding to ANY one of the gobs of meds they put me on?! i need results, damnit!! not tomorrow, not in five minutes,...I NEED THEM NOW!!
Photobucket scream Pictures, Images and Photos
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i feel slightly better sending that out there into cyberspace. slightly. ugh. last time i had bronchitis it did not take a freakin week for me to assimilate. i don't think it did, anyways. that was back in my slut days, when my days were filled with wearing slutty outfits, flirting with whomever necessary to get the desired schedule (for work), finding out where the next party was, and running away from Florence as fast as my p.o.s. car could take me. i don't miss those days AT ALL. i don't think it took a week... at least i don't think so. i don't really recall too much from that week. i do, however, remember codeine cough syrup and beer don't mix too well. common sense should've told me this would not mix well together, one would think. no, it didn't. to seal the deal of my severe case of dumb-itus, i chained smoked marlboro reds that week. yeaahhhhhhhhhhhh. i rocked the dumbass award that week.
Photobucket Rx Pictures, Images and Photos
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i don't know if it is because i truly dislike the guy and i am dancing ever so lightly on the verge of reality that i find this hilarious, or what, but my best friend's husband disappeared tonight from his house. my best friend got all worried because he left his cell, wallet, and his truck. (he is on the fire department, so whenever he disappears he always has these with him.) she's on the phone with me trying to solve the mystery of his whereabouts when she spots him. his explanation? he was chasing a raccoon from their trashcan. he was going to shoot it with his BB gun. yes sirrrrrrreeeeeee bob. they live in a city, my dear interwebber fwiends, and i in the country. and by MY standards,...even THAT is rednecky and just damnit dumb. but then again, this IS her husband. and what a smart man he already is.
stupidity Pictures, Images and Photos Dumb stubborn redneck hick Pictures, Images and Photos dumbass Pictures, Images and Photos

i feel a story dawning upon us... let's shake the lopsided family tree and see which rotten apples hit the ground. hmmmm... i'm feeling an aunt story coming on. my mom's sister is personally a favorite character of mine to satirize. there are so many things to tell about this lovely,...'lady.' but alas, i do not know the entire stories to them all, so little snippets of each compiled into a compilation will have to suffice.
Photobucket *** my grandma was going through a phase where she had auburn hair but evidently needed a trim. being that the aunt in question was attending the local beauty school, my grandma corralled her into the seemingly simple job at hand. my aunt tried to persuade my grandma into taking another route, such as getting somebody else to take on this requested task. all that was told through the years is that my aunt was "inebriated." this could have quite possibly been stoned or drunk, or if it was a particularly bad day (or a celebration) it could have been both. this story ends with my grandma donning her finest BLOND WIG to the church function, where she had to man the oven in the kitchen. apparently my aunt was sooooooo intoxicated that the simple hair cut turned into one HELL of an atrocity. (just pause this momentarily. can you imagine your best friend going from auburn hair to nonchalantly showing up to a church function in a blond damn wig?!) my grandma, having the best of all luck, SINGED the bangs on her FINE blond wig on the oven door. it has since been reputed as to what grandma did with this wig. i recall her stating she casually walked to the bathroom and threw it away. nobody else remembers that, and grandma's memory is so... "spongy" that doesn't even remember the story at all anymore!!
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*** then there's the one where my aunt was SO ...again i'll use the word, inebriated, because any state of non-soberness can be applied when speaking in direct connection with said aunt... that i was on the receiving end of her shenanigans. i believe cannot recall the holiday on which this tidbit occurred, but i do know it had fireworks and it was one of major celebrations. take your gander as to which one. but i digress,... this aunt was feeling pretty good by this point in the late night by the time it was time to shoot off the fireworks. (in her trailer park, nonetheless. c'mon, that bit of information could not be with held, now could it? i had to add in a touch of class to this story!!) a bit of quick back story, i had just had outer ear reconstructive surgery that btw, was a big fat epic fail,... so i had this HIDEOUS monstrous big fat head cast on. it was wrapped all.the.damn.way.around.my.head. SO.NOT.FUCKING.COOL. AT ALL. (no residual resentment there, yall. its just your imagination.) okay, back to that night, this non-sober aunt shoots off a round of fireworks that SOMEHOW find their way back to ME. to my head cast to be precise. so whats the bitch do? she starts beating on it!! never mind the MAJOR surgery i'd JUST had!! i stood there in shock as my uncle (now ex uncle, who, btw, married my aunts sister in law. yeahhhh buddy. imagine having your EX WIFE turn into your current SISTER IN LAW.) and cousins stop and stare and freak out as my aunt is beating my head relentlessly. my mother then saved the day by fleeing out the front door to my rescue. what did the aunt do? laughed and continued to shoot fireworks. seriously.

okay, that's enough for one night. my chest hurts and i'm hungry and irritable and cranky and need to get off of here. goodnight, my fellow interwebber fwiends.

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